Damned Quotes
"Trust me, the being-dead part is much easier than the dying part."
"Death is the One Big Mistake that none of us EVER plans to make."
"Being dead is the very essence of traveling light."
"Yes, we all look a little mysterious and absurd to each other, but no one looks as foreign as a dead person does."
"Being fat and dead—let me tell you—that's the double whammy."
"No matter how hard I try to resist the impulse, I keep hoping I'll still have my first menstruation."
"Our friend Ahriman was originally cast out of the pantheon by the pre-Zoroastrian Iranians."
"Even my own dad would tell you, 'She's a dervish.' Meaning: I tend to wear people out."
"By my fifth night alone I'd ventured naked to the chemistry lab, sat naked in my usual desk in the Romance Languages classroom, and stood naked on the dais at the head of the dining hall."
"One minute you can be wading through clean snow, and mere days later you can be slogging through the morass of countless discarded fingernail clippings, cast forever into fiery Hell."
"All of me felt the thrill of being touched at that same instant."
"As much as I fancy that spooky gothic immortality, I start screaming for a guard."
"My mom would tell you, 'This is one of those Hamlet moments.'"
"And, yes, I might be a dreamy, romantic, preadolescent girl, but I can recognize a metaphor when one batters me over the head."
"If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes."
"Jewels and cash are worthless here. The currency is candy."
"You see, Hell is responsible for about 85 percent of the Internet's total smut content."
"If you believe Leonard, this is how Hell breaks people down—by permitting them to act out to greater and greater extremes."
"The paradox: Is God a racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic ass? Or is God testing to see if I am?"
"And no, I have no idea how 'douche-berry' is supposed to taste."
"No longer am I a passive damsel who waits for circumstance to decide her fate; now have I become the scalawag, the swashbuckler, the Heathcliff of my dreams bent on rescuing myself."
"In my service charge the collected blackguards of a dozen tyrants now dispatched to a lesser oblivion."
"The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul."
"As neither Rebecca de Winter nor Jane Eyre, I am free to revise my story, to reinvent myself, my world, at any given moment."
"I am my own rakish seducer. I do serve as my own surly, brutish bounder."
"The demon pig Baal bares its fangs, its palate brimming with the ruptured fluids and gore of countless foes, a jagged nightmare of toothy torture and suffering."
"Even as I brace myself for one gigantic pull, one herculean yank, Hitler's eyelashes flutter and his eyes pin me with their focused rage."
"No slippery, wet heart beats within the damp hollow of my chest. Blood courses not beneath the delicate skin of my limbs."
"Upon arrival within arm's length of the heinous demon, I am not surprised to find myself standing alone."
"Pity the poor demon with but its single strategy to win."
"It's a little-known fact, but demons are only slightly more difficult to defeat than despots or tyrants."
"Even before said blood can cool, a sole voice calls down from a window placed high in the locked battlements."
"With the gates not yet a shoulders' width apart, a figure appears from the interior."
"The only thing that makes Hell feel like Hell, is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven."
"But if I destroy you and your dreck script, and I still exist... then my existence will be glorious."
"Now, if you'll excuse me, it's late, and I'm in a terrible, terrible hurry to go kick some satanic ass."