"Look the only new thing I learned today is that even when Doug Collins says he's going to speak slower that he can."
"Impeachments manifesto complete: political fake news, motivated by trolling kittens who are blaming the aliens. I love it."
"Bud Light Lime, you know what this tastes like? It's just like sandals, Kenny Chesney, and making poor decisions when your wife's out of town."
"What in the world? This is such a goofy hospital! It's built like it's in the 1700s!"
"Every day millions of lives are affected terribly by the onset of pineapple pizza. Oh gosh, and this is a matter that we can no longer stay quiet on."
"Only the devil could have created this film, and if hell is forever, then Mega Mind must be a lie."
"So cap thinks that people use plate bowls during cereal is stupid."
"Who the hell came up with this lore? Oh, this guy again."
"You have to burn off dead wood. Haven't you seen the meme of a V for Vendetta? Your government is doing what? Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
"The animation has been improved, the controls feel a bit better, and the cutscenes feature voice acting. Not good voice acting, but that’s sort of why we love it."
"I mean, you're throwing your miles away. You're like a philanthropist at this point."
"Fearlessly, Williams delves into the headlines of the day, humorously poking fun at figures ranging from Trump with his mug shot to deanes in a yin-yang manner and exploring Biden alongside the concept of unclaimed baggage."
"Bring back the innovation choice, I want to lay on a weird f*** mattress."
"NO! It wasnt. Now you may be thinking: But Act Man, I think the req system is just fine the way it is! (Laughter) Youre funny! Do you honestly think the req system couldnt have been improved in any way? REALL?!"
"How dumb are you to smack the inside of your car, not the outside?"
"Better than perhaps the celestial does, you know, with their unicorns."
"That's his boo he's just a cheater because like all he does is just hit him in the groin golf club what are Casey Jones qualifications I know why the ninja turtles could fight it's explained that they were trained by splinter."
"I think Olive Garden recycles their breadsticks. I 100% believe it. There's no way they're endless."
"Yeah, that's worse than Brandi Glanville's ponytail."
"Man, Sonic, what are you doing to your teeth? Are you just eating fucking rocks?"
"But the real point is for all of us to have some fun at the expense of anime with problems that I personally think are funny."
"But you know what? When a year can give you Elton John and Pete funk, there's no making excuses for turds like the ones I'm about to reveal to you."
"Tell Kamala she better get her funny-looking self down to Howard. Tell Kamala she needs to get her funny-looking self to the White House and tell her white supremacist zaddy Joe Biden that he promised to do something for Black students."
"Some of these are good and some of these are just smoothie at this point."
"I figure if the actual Pope is such a [ __ ] at his job, maybe it's my turn. What do you say? My turn sounds pretty good."
"Vince McMahon, dude, he looks like a villain in every kids' movie. Like, you know what I mean? Like, just Vince, buddy, hear me out. If you're dying your eyebrows, it's time to let it go, my guy."
"I think he gets donkey of the day and the reason I'm going to say that is number one when you're sitting on a plane and somebody's right next to you I never had my phone with somebody could be my text messages especially if I'm talking about you."
"He's ridiculously overpowered, just don't eat animals like his name suggests."
"Who the [ __ ] is up with that? Not merely that, two first names, two last names, what the [ __ ] is up with that?"
"That's not what you want to do, Arsenal's shirt reminds me of raspberry pill ice cream."
"He's definitely the gayest president of all time at least in that sense."
"I ruined an entire generation of teenage boys starter pack."
"Roland Martin wrote a check that his great big Chick-fil-A ass could not cash."
"It looks like a bird took a dump all over it. I don't understand it."
"It's the dumbest effing warning I've ever seen in my life."
"Putting on a bra and wearing it around, stop. Please stop."
"No dude, nope, no man, that's good bro. It's like if you burned a Band-Aid."
"Yes, it's cheesy, yes, it's ridiculous, but you know what? It's still entertaining."
"If there were one state that I would want to cut out, it wouldn't be Florida, but I understand the sentiment."
"Yeah, no, I felt nothing. Oh my god, you're a heartless monster."
"If you're cashing out your crypto and buying lambos, well first of all that's goofy."
"You can lift up these seats...maybe dead, you know what? He still sucks."
"I think it's ridiculous. I think it's dumb, but you know, there's a dish in Japan called kaiseki ryori which is also hot stone meal but you don't eat Stones."
"I mean Popeyes has raised the fcking standard for these fcking chicken sandwiches"
"It is a mathematical certainty that no matter where the book lands it will always be closer to you than the Disney movie adaption was to its plot. Science."
"In bird culture, this is considered a dick move."
"Honestly, we were really impressed with your effort and we were even more impressed by your lack of any kind of skills in the kitchen."
"Give us our strong beer and ale and take away the tea that makes us weak, indolent, and useless. No rhetoric there, yes."
"That's just first of all nasty, it looks like cheese whiz."
"Some of y'all hoes right here giving up pussycat for dinners at Houston's in bags."
"Beijing Biden was the better name sleepy. Yeah, he never ultimately settled on a good name. It was one of his few nickname failures."
"That was the dumbest I've ever seen in my life."
"Nice try, Wookies. No one can take away my adolescent memories of Lara's low poly Toblerone teats on the PlayStation one."
"Minecraft story mode is certainly one of the video games ever made."
"Amazon Prime is about the best thing in the world. If you don't have it, you're a loser."
"Crypto is a religion. No more Ripple videos for me." 😂
"But come on, who are these writers kidding? Okay, clearly this is fiction or Bikini Bottom is full of vegetarians."
"Continuity error, what's the continuity error? Oh, there's an unopened Red Bull right here, is that the continuity error?"
"You ain't no soldier, you got the wrong shoes, drinking in the right uniform, that's right."
"Why would you jump over that? You fool! Who is that? Number four, Re-air."
"If you're doing a sunset Dream wedding dream then yeah, you're taking the absolute piss out of me."
"The franchise has turned into like something that only the die-hard fans were watching before... the franchise Viagra."
"When you Netflix and chill, you don't finish a movie. Why would anyone want a Netflix and show? The point of the Netflix is chilling."
"They've had worse December than Turkey" - Sam Hardwick
"Why are we getting Dumber? We used to build cars and stick our legs through the bottom of them and run to make them drive, and now these cars are driving themselves. I just can't understand how we finally started moving backwards."
"He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard! He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd, He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd... ...he's the Angry Video Game Nerd!"
"I can’t get enough of this saccharine baloney, it’s like Christmas Crack to me."
"Why don't you get a real job why don't you do something productive and positive why why wake up every day and go I think I'll be a prick again today fact check my balls you'll need a massive micrometer."
"The Wicker Man is a horrible movie, it is so, so bad, but it's also so, so funny."
"Orange does not have the brain cells to pull off this caper."