Best Anecdote Quotes

"So the other day, I was renting a car and the former President of the United States came into the car rental shop."

"You ever have somebody tell you like they listened to a song and they felt like it was written just for them? Well, my uncle Gary just called me and told me that that happened to him."

"I remember you telling me in 2008 when Pep Guardiola did in San Andreas, the first chat to the squad, he said he's a creep man."

"This next one was reported in Vitala Jarvie Can Kanpa Finland in 1993."

"It'd be cool to know if I'm not the only one... have you ever been through that I've never never had sleep paralysis before not like that."

"If you wanted my thoughts on that odd story my door would just open on its own turns out Toyota has a shear bolt in the door that has a strength of paper."

"What was it that you had? These earrings. I had a few experiences with the earrings."

"That was probably the biggest Karen story I've ever had."

"We were trying to pay for some pizza and she's like, 'Oh, these are my cash envelopes. I'm following this Dave Ramsey plan.'" - Ryan

"I wish I had a name like buddy love actually knowing I know brother love did you see the story that made him do it like yeah you shoot someone in a nightclub."

"We walked to the end of the block. We turned the corner. And 200 yards in front of us, the Intourist Hotel." (Laughter)

"Until you've had a crack head launch a pretty decent plank at your face from across a busy street, have you even lived?"

"He just casually chucked 7,500 bitcoins into trash."

"I was doing muskrat. That's what I was trying to do but I got interrupted."

"I had a drawstring bag, it was a lot of Axe Kilo, like an unhealthy amount."

"Ivanka Trump blamed a fart on her classmates when she was a bratty teenager."

"I played once and I got to 13th place and then I was driving around in a car and it jumped out while it was going like 30 miles an hour died died pretty much."

"Ron Newt tells this story like it was yesterday: Michael Jackson two-pieced Bubbles because he tried to bite Jay Valentine."

"Last year we had a bag break and it dropped a 1.75 L bottle of vodka."

"If that story is true, it's funnier than anything this guy said in his two years on the show."

"I remember Scarface called me, he was in New York, he was like, 'I got the coldest [__] producer.'"

"Money can't buy happiness" - a hard evidence story.

"Contrary to what you'll often read, in fact, a very small something was eaten shortly before the meal- communion bread, eaten by Buzz Aldrin shortly after landing on the surface."

"This may or may not be the hole Haley Deegan sunk my foiler."

"We actually found an AR-15 and this was about probably what Jeremy, how long ago do you think that was?"

"I pissed on my foot, yeah. And eventually, it stopped hurting. Listen man, when it hurts that bad, you do stupid things."

"That's how you know it works, man. No, for real. Whenever you see them pull out a blow dryer with like three teeth, you know it works."

"Trump ordered $200 worth of burgers from Long Island Drive-In for flight home after NYPD officers wake and my response was what did everybody else have."

"David Wells threw a perfect game after getting shit-faced the night before. There's no cooler sports story than that."

"Did he drink some bad Guinness and [ __ ] out all his insides?"

"I genuinely was so excited I almost choked on my dinner, literally."

"He wasn't a great student, but I'm sorry, Derek Coleman, one of the great lines about Derek Coleman."

"Crazy man, the crazy part is everybody that saw him dead say he had a smile on his face too."

"In 1943 The Humble coconut saved the life of Bill Cofen, a US fighter pilot with an amazing story of survival."

"I've never been able to tell this anecdote without getting emotional."

"night falls on the island with the American troops nearly at the summit of Mount zorobachi the Marines settle into their foxholes and are awed by an unexpected show from the sea"

"In 2003, a Florida supermarket closed so that Michael Jackson could fulfill his dream to shop like everybody else."

"I was on psychedelics, and I bit into a crawfish shell, and it cracked my tooth. I was tonguing that [ __ ], and he goes, 'What's wrong with you, tooth man? What are you doing? I chipped it eating a crawfish shell. I was so dumb.'"

"That's when you poke me straight, police officer came back and was like, 'Yeah, I smell marijuana, someone needs you guys to step out of the car.'"

"I'm like, '[__] you ate the whole blunt?' He was like, '[__] broke the blunt in half, ate both pieces and drank the Mountain Dew, it chased it with the Mountain Dew. This [__] a legend right here, a whole [__] legend right here man."

"It's fast come on man let Uncle Sam true story my mama told me get in there get everything you can from the white folks and get out and bring it back bring it back."

"I had never met the woman who had recently passed, but when I later told the cast, they all said she was a soprano."

"Sorry kiddo, not gonna make it today or any other day," then she cackled like she always did and hung up.

"That is my story about the time that I dated a celebrity son unknowingly, how stupid right?"

"The bloated super dead possum on top of Griffin's car... that possum did what an old bloated possum is gonna do, which is explode."

"I remember Pop came back and told me, yo she wants me to come to New York, she's gonna send me a private jet to pick me up and I'm going to go to New York and see Madonna. I said cool, cool, cool, I wish I could go right."

"Wayne Williams was pulled over and asked what he was doing at this hour to which he said he was driving across town to meet a young woman who was about to become a famous singer."

"My Nan's hat caught fire to the candle, which by default caught fire to her hair sprayed blue-rinse. That's Christmas, never necessarily goes the way you expect it."

"We studied karate on 39th Street."

"The judge told her, 'Hey look, you got to go to anger management, you take your black ass to jail, you pick whichever one you want to do.'"

"I ended up kissing her sister, which was supposed to be a peck but it ended up being a pretty long intimate kiss."

"He walked into that kitchen, 'Can you believe the fatty at table seven was complaining about how much mac and cheese?' Oh, you know what you should do? Give them some more mac and cheese with some of that special sauce."

"He just threw the keys at me, says, 'Listen, just there's the keys. Please just leave me alone. Don't come back tomorrow.'"

"I filled up a metal jug with soy milk, shoved it under the espresso steam wand, and let it scream," I recounted with a smirk.

"Reportedly Lord Nelson's last words were 'kiss me.'"

"The judge then asked how a woman I was no longer married to, that had never even lived with me in my current residence, was supposed to have any bearing on whether or not I joined her homeowners associations. She went quiet."

"I had a conversation with my parents once that went a little something like this."

"The best example of malicious compliance I've ever seen was from a colleague of mine let's call him V."

"I have endless data of average guys getting really hot girls because they level up their confidence and coolness."

"Story 20: Not a lawyer but I did enough law research to get myself out of a parking ticket."

"I don't think of the Yly days very often because I've done so much fishing. But before we go on Rich, can I just tell you my Fishy Dave story?"

"Tom Hanks beat his ass and said you think you're Mr Ferrari I'm Mr Ferrari took his hat."

"She was crying 'cause I snore, and then she goes, she snores. Yeah, that was mad, that was a mad relo reverse."

"So next thing I know, it's just me and this one girl..."

"My 11 year old gave my neighbor my 25 fresh of the grill perfectly cooked T-bone steak while I was in the bathroom."

My mom always told me, "Stones may break my bones, but Chunk's farts will kill me."

"Damn, bro, I was locked up with a kid, bro, he was 12. Bro, he killed his enemy with scissors."

"Here's this convention going on, right, and Hillary said, 'We have to go see it.' And she and I told our mothers that we were going to the movies, and we drove my family station wagon downtown, parked."

"So I usually don't drive, but it was so funny, the police got really smart."

"...and then Ronnie like reaches down and just kind of like picks me up like a sand like it's nothing..."

"Bri was eating we had fun girl did we have fun mama and Bryson was so sad y when I tell you he cried."

"I've never seen a bear, really. But there were deer just constantly. My mom shoots deer with BB guns all the time on the property."

"...for the first time in a while, even Madame Pomfrey was impressed when she learned that he had given the kids chocolate on the Hogwarts Express after a Dementor attack..."

"He just farted in the seats and said, 'See the video of it,' which is freaking hilarious."

"True story though, only in America."

"There's a ghost story connected with this house you know...I've never seen an apparition myself but I know people who have and I consider that they form a very interesting link between us and the afterlife."

"Can you believe it? The butler kicked us out."

"Well, Hawk Jones tried to stand on an empty box, he just goes into it. So, inside it he tries to climb up to get out of the window and he just falls right in."

"I fooled a bunch of nuns in Rome once with my guitar, end of believing that I..."

"In 2003, Bobby Lashley was in a bank when a robbery broke out."

"This was during the Attitude Era. I was working as a producer and... I pop up just cutting these promos on everybody."

"A good friend once said out of the car in San Marino where you won your first Grand Prix and told me, 'You're the most incorrect driver I've ever raced against.'"

"This isn't my own malicious compliance but one I overheard and then witnessed at work."

"Actually, the first night that I wore it, I won a game against the Red Sox."

"Trisha Paytas was in a live stream, somebody said to her, 'Have you ever thought about paganism?' Tricia said, 'Oh, let me write that down so I can remember that I want to look into that.'"

"Whilst on holiday in South Africa, I had a two-minute conversation with what I thought was my wife, only to discover that a small hippo had wandered into the bedroom."

"And that's the story of how a gaming PC was saved by a single staple, the real hero."

"David recently shooed a fox out of the garden by squirting it with water. 5 minutes later, I watched in horror as it returned with its brother and ate my plimsol."

"Well, my mom used to be part of an alien search Club."

"I've had many older men offer me random weird things, but I'll be honest, I've never been offered bugs before."

"I saw him through my legs. I was like this."

The first comedy thing I ever won was at Fort Hood, Texas. Actually, I shouldn't say "won," I tied for first place with a woman who lip-synched.

"The night I met my wife. I was with a couple of buddies of mine and had enough liquid courage to go up to her and say, 'You're not going home with that guy, are you?'"

"...at one point, another male singer annoyed her so much she challenged him to a duel."

"I'm a walking example of that guy who goes out for a bike ride on his own, right?"

"Cow Vetch is that one Tumblr post that's like one time I was struggling to open a water bottle and this girl I never spoke to in my class came over and said, 'Let me help you, baby,' and then struggled to open the water bottle."

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Skip ain't come to practice."

"London Fletcher in practice the other day... the old middle linebacker starts here he's been stopping to run all day now he has to defend the post and the ball hits him right in the hat."

"Well, there you go and as George Carlin said one time I never [ __ ] a tin but one night I [ __ ] five twos."

"My dorm room was attached to my roommate's, so that I had to go out hers to get to the bathroom or the hallway."

"We went up to the bar, we ordered a couple of drinks, spirited beverages, and then they kicked us out."

"I've never experienced uh I left there and I felt like I was obliged to go back yeah and she sat there and convinced me that I need to tip her yeah I was like I got no I got no cash I was like but I can transfer you"

"But in the time I have been working as the head social worker at my nursing facility, I have had two residents predict their own death."

"It's weird, I forgot to mention as well, before we got the Ouija board, there was somebody else with us. We were going to use a glass before I went to go take the glass up, really."

"One day I'm gonna tell a story when I went to the spa with like a woman."

"I came home with a bunk bed ladder. I was juiced. That same girl watching Family Feud with was hating."

"Late husband owned this gun company, and she went to a psychic."

"Drink a liter of water before bed, you know, the whole crepe cycle story is so true, even if you've had the worst night out drink."

"I have so many great stories growing up in a beautiful old historic home. One time, my dad found a secret room behind a wall."

"I once licked David Bowie's cake just to be close to him."

"But yeah, it was funny, yeah, nearly nearly died in there."

"I remember a 6-foot tall pyramid of blue Amp cans on your desk."

"Quail been laying eggs in my trucks."

"Imagine walking into a showroom though, to pick up an STS. So cool, this is sitting there. 'Oh, what engine's in this? Seven and a half and a half D12.'"

"Just to say this, my husband says when my contractor calls, my phone rings, and I'm so eager to take the call that anyone else, including him, I was like, 'Well, he made me Millions you did it.'"

"I remember the first time that I shaved my legs, it all came back thicker. You came back looking like a man soccer player."

"One day while talking with my neighbor's wife, my daughter who was two and a half..."

"...one time I was in a school play...I got so nervous I fainted, fell backward, bumped into a backdrop that smashed into a light, and then the whole stage came tumbling down."

"When it's like an eight-year-old, it's like and I'm with Franny and she's like you can have a picture you can have a picture of my dad, yeah come here and then the kid comes over like a squats out to the picture and Freddy like sticks her face in it."

"Hey, you want to go out with me? And that's how our relationship began."

"Man Cheney maybe Tommy a story about man Cheney when here at Sampdoria."

"It's really funny that's just the thing dad's saying. She's like had nightmares about it."

"Howie used to put me with Mel because he knew I could go to sleep in the afternoon or evening, but Mel would be wanting to go down The Bookies to watch the horse racing."

"It's one of the stories about me that my mom tells every once in a while, and I think it still freaks her out."

"He was doing a show, playing the new Bon Jovi song off the album, and the lights flickered for a moment."

"Coming up, a cigarette smuggler in Gatwick is caught with his trousers down. 'Now, you knew they were in there, and you saw me put them back, but you still didn't tell me.'"

"I thought he was cute, you know, they want to know was it big? You can answer that if you want to. I don't care. I will say from what I remember in that very uncomfortable moment between he and I was that he was 'normalized.' That's what I remember."

"The highest tip I ever saw given, and I saw this, or I wouldn't have believed it... We were coming back on the transatlantic and this waiter received a tip of a Rolls Royce, which isn't that bad going, for a tip."

"I didn't punish him. I didn't talk to him about it. That was, I believe, the... Chicago. We were, like, in a Marriott or something. That's right. No, that was the one where Undertaker and I sat back in gorilla position and drank the entire night."

"So there was someone's job that at the end of the line was just to pump up the shoes."

"I had just got post five for the night, and I was tired. I just wanted to go to bed. The grass cutters come in, and they said, 'Wilson, get your ass up. We've got to go do escorts for the grass cutters.'"

"I'm sleeping, half an hour later, they call a security alert. W everyone gets up, jumping out of bed, running outside, 'What's going on?'"

"Anakin asked where these assassin bugs came from Jaba had no issue providing an answer."

"Did I tell you about the time I got pulled over for watching Futurama while driving home?"

"True, Sarah really did use her mum's family allowance to buy a cat."

"I just remembered something," Christine said. "From back in Catholic school."

"That remind me of last shit, I he a cake, told Holmes left him in a box to stay like you need a place."

"Well, there was this one drive-through order where a guy ordered just two shots of espresso and eight times whipped cream."

"We had them hanging up here to get the wrinkles out of them, and our neighbor said to us, 'It looked like the dresses were dancing last night.'"

"When I was 14, I was camping with my grandparents. I was at a tent and late one night we heard a wrestling and the next morning we woke up and there was a lot of animal feces all over the campground. And I'm not saying it was Bigfoot, but it was definitely Bigfoot."

"One time I was in the Jersey Shore and one of us had to go home to get more money. Like, we're just tapped out. It's Thursday and the weekend was coming, nobody had [ __ ] money."

"He built me a house in the backyard and my friend said, 'Nora, you gotta understand that Nick built you a doghouse and your dog lives in the bedroom in the real house.'"

"I'd drive all the way out there and I buy this mannequin, it's 50 bucks. I'm like, for 50, I can have a fun wall mount, like wall mounted mannequin holding up a fire extinguisher."

"It was more than 50 I know it was 50 I'm saying you couldn't pay me shade mind keyboardist was like dude this is like the most I've seen in one of these ever cuz I just took it out of the drawer of someone's home."

"Everything you touched 50 off bro I have seen my own friend Mama go on the store we coupons."

"He pulled me over, started pulling my beard, repeating, 'Did you ask for something?'"

"I remember I tapped on the shoulder and she turned around and and I went to just start speaking I just like it starts coming I was like hey my name is Joe and as I go to speak I can feel a yawn coming."

"hey is that a hickey this was actually uh an octopus related incident"

"He forgot his pilot license, oh god, he showed up, got up, was on the plane and then apparently the pilots when you're on there, some person who works at the airport then comes down they check with the cockpit and go can I just see your ids to make sure you guys are the pilots."

"I was like, oh yeah the last time I seen you bro, yeah he was like he was like he's like oh yeah the last time I seen you bro."

"Chloe gave me some Brandy and would you believe it although it was only medicine Phoebe and Sam were annoyed about it and said it was disgusting."

"He always whistled and in the end he fell off his ladder, broke his front teeth, oh, retired."

"Last night uh Nick said he saw like a seven-year-old girl with a knife."

"I am so anti-candle." "Oh really? Yeah, because when I was a kid, my mom put one on the toilet like the back lid of it and for whatever reason it caught the wall on fire."

"One time, Your Honor, I play like I was gonna go in the house and go to sleep."

"I was waiting tables, and she took her clothes off, she looked like Zap from American Gladiators."

"You're crazy, this is, I saw this on a BuzzFeed article speaking of like food and tasting, that's all we talk about, oh yeah, I got another story about food too."

"I met a few people just a Christmas, I saw some kids in that 18 year old in Los Angeles and they saw me walk in a shop and they nudged each other and said to each other 'There's that singer,' which I thought was pretty good."

"I was so paranoid that I was going to trip on that podium because I'm an ex-model and I'm an ex-model because I twirled off the one R that's right and you're never supposed to to look down."

"Doc Holiday often recounted that he had miraculously survived on a total of nine occasions, defying the odds at every turn."

"I remember crashing at Williams testing and the local headlines in the East Anglian papers were 'Brundle crashes Williams,' so that was great - the local rag."

"Just days before Australia Day 1966, Jane was proudly babysitting her younger siblings while her parents enjoyed a night out with friends."

"My entitled dad encounter, hella wild, and I hope I never meet another entitled parent again."

"Honestly, I think it was 'cause I wore ankle weights in high school for like a whole year."

"I meet this homeboy, let's call him Buddy. He's a good-sized dude, man, straight-up known for fighting, would fight his ass off."

"I can assure you both press and public were literally flabbergasted. You see, Mr. Eddington was a well-known and very popular member of a certain smart section of London society."

"Within two weeks of moving rocks around looking through the dumps, a young honor student named Michelle Erasmus would hand me a little rock and say, 'Is this a tooth?'"

"There's actually a really fun story about this wardrobe."

"Next morning after waking up, he goes out in the city to satisfy his hunger however upon reaching a hot dog stall he asked the man to give him something for 50 cents but the stall owner takes a close look at him and gives him a free hot dog."

"I'll never forget the way she threw her head back and let out a chuckle. She looked at me and said, 'Sure, pumpkin, and I'm the President of the United States.'"

"The best story we heard of this was a chap who was really doing well in his instructor training but sometimes didn't think too carefully about what he asked."

"Squirrels have been known to dig up crack cocaine buried by drug dealers, eat it, and become quite aggressive."

"Two hours into a 10-hour shift when a passenger asks if I know about the stowaway on my bus."

"It's amazing when T said that she was from Texas, first thing that Gemma said was 'Oh I saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre'."

"He punch my homeboy two three times, takes the brown, leaves and guess what he do? Guess what? He left the two summer sausages and the cheese bar on the table. Why?"

"In the 80s, I had a Mooney with a problem of non-pressurized magnetos. They were installed by mistake, and the engine quit over the North Atlantic."

"Once, on spring break, I was underage, and I almost won a beer pong tournament."

"This happened to me over the weekend during a hunting trip."

"So day three of the trip Millie took quite a few, oh God it's actually quite funny what would happen is I would, we would ski down and I would ski ahead and then I would wait you know have a bit of a break."

"So, I would fill up the five-liter carboy and dump the whole thing in."

"He goes on to tell his own encounter with one when swimming off the coast of Kent."

"Speak words of encouragement; a little boy said to his father, 'Hey dad, let's play darts. I'll throw them, and you say, wonderful.'"

"Lord Breen was Hand of the King for Aegon the Fourth and he got Aon to notice his beautiful Buxom daughter Barbara Braen."

"...I'm not making that up it was an orange one..."

"I remember when we did the weigh-ins the day before I remember I remember I was like [ __ ] Dave Palumbo took his clothes off stepped up scale and he weighed in 265."

"I tried to get a very large sofa into a tiny car."

"So anyways, yeah, that happened, like, literally less than two days ago."

"It's called Boris because the first time was ever caught over 40 pounds was the day that Boris Johnson got elected or whatever he got queen."

"My daughter woke up at five because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said, 'Mom, the bird witches are calling me.' And to sum up, I have my next book, and also, I need to call a priest."

"I have a story about Bowling Branch."

"I'm sure Nancy told you about the time I cured four of her migraines in one night."

"It took us 15 minutes to get to the girl's house, and as a schoolgirl was involved, we'd collected a woman police constable on the way."

"I know Vincent Price and so this is me doing Mark Hamill telling me his Vincent Price story that's very similar to yours."

"I ran into my friend Rick again in the yard. I said, 'Guess what I did the other night?'"

"I swear when we got back in the car I put down the thing I had a mustache in one day from that day on I do not go in the sun ever even in my car without makeup on or sunscreen."

"It's a great story to tell people when they come and ask."

"I thought it would be kind of fun to just kind of blow it off off-screen so you could just kind of see them flying everywhere, and the wind blew it back into my mouth. Like, they did not taste good, I'm sure they don't."

"We were given four new meals, and that little Venus and how the how can they say, 'Oh yes, common.' There's one time we had maggots, yeah, they were in the ice. So we were handing out drinks of maggots. We didn't know, we didn't know. Someone came in to harm me, my manager."

"So anyway I was walking along the cliff base, behind this bus station back in this area, I was walking through there."

"My head was bobbing him away here I made fun of my friend when she had this when we were going to Costa Rica."