"The worst thing was when you had a coach that had some bad breath... you stayed at a safe distance."
"I can't tell you how meaningful it was to get paid with donuts."
"And Bill Clinton, he had a meeting, a discussion with Paul Davis, the producer of Roswell, and he told Paul Davis right to his face, I'm fascinated with this stuff."
"When most people think of Steve Jobs, they naturally think of Apple. But, there's a story about Jobs that's always stuck in my head and it has nothing to do with Apple. Well, almost nothing."
"You don't hear stories about Joe being just mean to somebody."
"How many Magic events have you been kicked out of? It's got to be a lot."
"I'm genuinely surprised how people close to Trump haven't talked about the odor. It's truly something to behold. Wear a mask if you can."
"I'll tell you crazy stories drives in effect in I think it was 2017 I could be wrong I went to Davos during the World Economic Forum."
"Alec still wasn't back from lunch at this point."
"It's hilarious because as I was coming down, there were some locals and they thought it was funny that I cared about the fireflies. Coming from Southern California though, you never see anything like this when you're hiking."
"I have been going to the garden and dig a hole and sat there to design, because we live in the Stone Age in this house."
"He was so active. This baby was so wild. I felt him like non-stop."
"I just decided I would rather go to sleep and it kind of broke the habit accidentally."
"Absolutely hysterical. No [__] you, you should be telling that story all the time. That's interesting, that makes you an interesting guy, you should be telling stories like that dude."
"My son now, I'll be like, 'Hey dude, you wanna miss school and go to SeaWorld?' He's like, 'SeaWorld with Brendan Schaub?'"
"You know, there was a time when my bank account went to that financial predicament."
"If you ever recognize me in person, don't say, 'Hey, watch your videos,' just come up to me and say, 'Hey, one time in third grade I accidentally killed the tadpoles.' I would love that."
"Don't give up. You know, that's one thing I said at that lunch that you weren't at when I was when I lost my [__]."
"Every time I tell this story, people always tell me to write it and post it."
"Remember when I said I'm a great swimmer? Well, all that gets thrown out the window when you're attacked by a [ __ ] water Dementor."
"His name was Fang, but I called him Fanggomango. He was the sweetest dog ever."
"I was like, 'Oh, I'm out,' and she starts swimming away, but meanwhile, she was yelling back to them, 'Yeah, I'm with you guys, still in the boat with you.'"
"I've had chronic anxiety and panic attacks since I was a kid" - "puppy play is this really great coping skill."
"I have lived with a cat worse than yours... he had diabetes... piss everywhere... uncontrollably."
"I also have a toilet hotel update for you, great."
"I have this trove of ridiculous weird stories."
"They know some of them are now old enough to be like, 'That's Auntie Mara.'"
"You understand me? Nah, cut it, clip it, ship it. That's what that was. You throw a box, you say 'Yes.' Look, look, look, ghosts are real, ghosts are real."
"Some of my best discoveries, my wife will say I'm still an idiot most of the time, but I find most of my best things when I, you know, completely by accident."
"I'm probably planning on putting down two to three, but back in the day, Fargo had a Krispy Kreme."
"Seriously, if you need more validation, this apparently was the signature scent of Pierce Brosnan and Clint Eastwood."
"It's the second time I've been covered in chocolate this week."
"I sit down at that blackjack table and I'm playing for a while and I end up..."
"Honestly, my kids are always nice 'cause I'm like you guys I biffed on the Foo Fighters and they're like, it's gonna be okay and I'm like, it's not okay."
"Most guys rationalize things away. 'She would never do that,' they say. But funny enough, when I met my wife, I had like two nickels to rub together."
"Who would ever have thought mimicking characters from games and movies would wind up getting me out of trouble?"
"They went primal on me, Jeff. They went deep."
"David Beckham is probably the one I always had a chance to meet, and we'll have a couple of weeks ago."
"Deciding what to eat, really that's true like I get honey true and I'm I start looking at Yelp and I swear like I'm."
"I promise I promise, I remember one time on my video when I was pregnant but I hadn't announced that I was pregnant, somebody commented..."
"Sometimes we're so embarrassed because she wouldn't tell us should we go to the washroom let's say in the restaurant and then everybody was like oh my god somebody got murdered in the washroom like no it's just my daughter she has a nosebleed."
"Cybertruck Transformer look, I had some pretty cool Halloween costumes but not as cool as that."
"That was kind of how that stuck and how that started, which was really, really cool."
"I've got a cat, his name's Tater, the cat, he's kind of an asshole but I like him anyway."
"I kind of interjected I'm like oh I'll do it and uh they're like oh have you you know have you boxing before I'm like no but I got in fights all the time in high school."
"That's a story man that's one again if I didn't have photos because who's gonna believe that you got hit by an airplane you lived yeah right true story."
"Sometimes in life you know you have to be lucky."
"I mean, my life has been fantastic, sorry about the scratching everyone that you can hear that's Elvis under the desk here, and um, he's nesting under there. LV come on."
"I'm just kidding, I'm not. My mother actually, she's always right."
"We used to call each other up. He'd say, 'Can you sing a bit of "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart"?' Michael Jackson used to call you? Yeah. I'd get him to sing 'How Can You Mend a Broken Heart' down the phone."
"Some of y'all didn't have language police at your house like I did."
"Anything's possible. Like, what are you doing at 3:00 a.m.? Well, that's usually when I make vests for hamsters on the internet, but today I was getting some milk byproducts. Pretty standard marketing."
"I'm really nice at Soul cycle actually because once my endorphins kick in I'm actually almost too friendly." - Charlize Theron
"In fact, I have tapes of being like 10 years old and making prank calls with my best friend Clito who's now my band leader on my show."
"Welcome back to the vlog, where even the potatoes have a story."
"I got lit filler for the first time in like so we were in a new place with new people."
"It's game over, all right. You're back. Um, I didn't have any of this, and I had a silver dollar back here. How did it grow back? That's a great mystery, I tell you what."
"He made me laugh every day that is not hyperbole that is a fact every day he made me smile."
"I mean I love my dog as much as you can love anything that shits on my lawn which I think is hilarious..."
"Let me tell you the story real quick about Brian Johnson."
"You never know how an angel on Earth is going to appear in your life but let me tell you if I'm in trouble I want these two helping me seriously."
"My ex used to get drunk and scream in my face about how much he couldn't stand me. Jake gets drunk and tells me he loves me 900 times in four hours. That is the difference between dirt and gold."
"The hardest part about falling in love with my local 7-Eleven cashier is knowing she'll never go out with me as she scans my Double Gulp cup full of nacho cheese. #Heartbroken"
"Everyone has spooky ghost stories but not everybody has chill ghost stories. Well, I do."
"Last night, I was very busy. Whoa, I don't know how I made it in this morning."
"You're working every day, I've been on vacation, I've been on accident."
"Can you imagine how many phone calls he brings us up in this op-ed piece that she took while she was in her car and what he overheard?"
"But she's... What's remarkable about my mom is that she has never asked me not to do something."
"Classic me... I've wiped out three cars, no one let me near a supercar on a racetrack."
"One of the things when this first started, I had a big split because you know sort of my—my channel is people doing dumb stuff in court."
"I'm literally trusting a complete stranger with like five thousand dollars of my money, what am I doing right now?"
"Welcome to marriage, you are starving and you think you could have gotten more in there."
"That's where this whole thing came from by the way we were little kids they used to give us stars but yeah so anyway now I'm still a little kid asking for stars there you go."
"You weren't my first pick, there were 10 other Isaiahs that said no."
"Strangers have everything you want, look what happened today man."
"My pockets being full has been the most annoying thing this whole stream."
"I think the first time we actually got to meet was playing Among Us together. I remember very well because we were competing for the final spot, and I am trash at any game."
"Life's about balance, Kevin. Sometimes you're in paradise and sometimes you gotta do the home renovations." - Pascal Hutton
"It was a celebration of coach. We lost the game but I will say this: the first thing I did, I sent Harrison Barnes 200 bucks on Cash App. The worst cash send. You will not be happy about it."
"This is the craziest gaming experience I ever had."
"I remember just afterwards thinking about it going like why didn't I let that fat guy boo me? I let that chick with the weird glasses, like why didn't I say something?" - Bill Burr
"Happily, Brenda awoke while still here in a physical body and that's why she was able to communicate with me the day after she passed."
"It's surprising how many people you talk to over the years and they go, 'Oh yeah man, I was a basket case. I used to be a basket case before going on stage.'"
"Oh my goodness, that's Jingles, you should have let her ride the train."
"I've never had anyone buy me furniture in my years of living."
"I firmly college I was almost laughter I just every opportunity again and I happen to stuff my house because I genuinely tried to be a nice person."
"I'm banned from everywhere except for two casinos now."
"Scotland are getting beat one nil, Ferguson has been on my phone all morning."
"This is a problem I have, and so I needed new whiskey glasses, not really but I did so I got them."
"God is so wonderful and I didn't have a Bible, but I was supposed to, I was invited to go to a Bible study by my business friends, so I had to go to something called a Christian bookstore and get a Bible."
"All the expensive shoes were men's because none of the women's shoes fit me. So most of the cost came from the shoes."
"So, Dad instincts are very real, Gary, I can tell you that much, man."
"When you get a agent tattoo you think it means like life and I mean [ __ ] dolphin did yeah I thought I was."
"My mother is a beautiful soul and spoilt especially me a lot."
"My grandmother went on a few dates with Paul McCartney."
"I've got a lot of those cases from Yosemite."
"I'd have probably paid more to be honest with you, you know he's getting up there, he looked great, he looked great."
"So be sure to subscribe for the story specifically where I tell you about which celebrity I almost threw up on and which super famous person ariana grande I had lunch at the house of yeah that's a true story."
"It has happened to me so many times that I'll make a tiny little mistake."
"This is where I was going to FK this is that John F Kennedy it's a theater school that's all we got."
"Fun fact, guys, I have that pizza tattooed on my butt."
"I was so happy when Josh was like had a normal relationship with his mom."
"That's why people don't do it is because nobody likes the endless version of who they are and we and I mean who doesn't enjoy comfort and uh I'll tell you a cold story I hate being cold and I've had two terrible experiences being cold."
"Even though my little bro had a crush on my wife, at the end of the day we family."
"That was my exact words too you know what I'm gonna steal a piece of bubble gum situation I promise you and I kept my word and my life has been amazing ever since."
"It was torrential rain and of course I managed to get stuck in it for like the two minutes that it was pouring down."
"I wrote about a neighbor bro called Engine since 2010."
"Every day, every day I give you a funny story man uh I can remember playing against Mike uh my second year in the league I was with Washington then yeah and we were in Washington and I switched off on him."
"Growing up I've always had a chubby cheek no matter how skinny I was or am no matter how low my body fat percentage."
"It's like the people who pray to find their keys and then they give credit to God."
"Avoid being bitten by snakes because I hate being bitten by snakes I don't enjoy it at all."
"It's not a great story... it's just pure humor."
"I find him fascinating. I'm psyched about his, this year he has like a Netflix documentary. Oh, I'm captian Quincy, he's a god."
"Rock ain't nothing but a white version of rhythm and blues mf'er you know I met Paul McCartney when he was 21."
"I felt there's a picture before and I'm standing outside of her door like where are you it's Jenna and then the next picture I had fallen all the way through her closed door."
"We're saving maybe 100 to as much as 250 dollars."
"Solitude, thoughts. I mean, I love this story. I mean, every morning you would, I do, I mean look, if it's good enough for Einstein and Steve Jobs, it's good enough for Adam Salazar."
"Every time you see something really cool, people are like, 'I got that at Facebook Marketplace.'"
"My intelligence was low, but my luck maxed out."
"Number 3: 'The biggest crap.' 'Sharon, you gotta come see this!'"
"Last year we had a bag break and it dropped a 1.75 L bottle of vodka."
"He was such a pain in the ass, I saved about 300 grand."
"I have a little shadow following me, this is Tinkerbell..."
"Out-of-body experiences, and I know there has a beggar."
"Talk about personal failure, it's a good way to break the ice."
"I wouldn't trade it for anything exactly, especially having a newborn. It's a lot of work especially when it's stinky like this stinky boy."
"My grandfather used to say that my grandmother opened a lot of doors for him."
"I'm still not sure what happened that day but I'm sure glad that I didn't take Katie up on her offer."
"I've never thought about, oh you Genie and all them."
"I've survived a lot of storms and I've never been struck by lightning."
"I think the last book I read was The Martian."
"You know what? I was really anxious before I got married." - "And everybody knows that."
"So I'm sat there, I'm like, 'Yeah, this has just been the most bizarre day.'"
"Guys, I'm from Miami, I've heard that story since I was a kid, and that [expletive] has never happened."
"My dad never graduated from college... he was so smart."
"It was small, it was petty, and I still giggle about it years later."
"Wildcat loves cameraman's hair: a hairy situation indeed!"
"How sad would it be to end this video and I just... go to bed hungry."
"He talked about it so matter of fact, just like no big deal. And he wants you to listen to his story. He loves telling his story."
"Thanks for tuning in guys, thanks for being here even if you get me in trouble, or the producers. I'm gonna need another hot pocket."
"We became Twitter mutuals and then I remember you made an animation of one of my comics."
"Some of the best times I had in games were when I was level 29."
"I'm drunk I'm seeing double which is weird because I don't drink."
"He held a memorial service for a lock of hair yanked from his head."
"If that first year i'd come into the church and was going to novus ordo and a trad threw a brick in my teeth over something i did wrong that wouldn't have been good i honestly had no idea."
"When he was 14, Michelangelo went one step too far."
"I got up, I'm right yelled man, Tamara was with me, I mean she knew she was good luck."
"His story is one of the best ghost stories I've ever heard it is so good so even better than mine I promise you like his is really good."
"Life comes at you fast, yeah, a little too fast. But I feel like these glasses are actually a bit, like, not tight, but they're not as loose as my other ones. Because I don't think I ever got those fitted properly."
"Guess how much they fined me? 50 quid. Okay, what were you expecting? I would look like, originally said fifty quid but I'm gonna say like eighty quid."
"Ladies, you know how sometimes underwear pinches in areas you just weren't pinched? Yes, Hila, you know about that all the time."
"My grandfather taught Jack Nicholson in high school math class, said he was rebellious but wasn't too bad at math."
"I gotta get up. I watched it. Ain't no, what was it? It ain't no, uh, 'Who Made Potato Salad?' Oh, here's a funny thing."
"We would push the boundaries, like I said. He was just kept doing it and kept doing it and kept doing it."
"It's always the ex that they told you not to worry about, oh she was crazy, oh he was just awful, do they live in your head rent-free?"
"California surfer Dana McGregor has always been stoked to catch a wave, but he says it was even more rad when he took his pet goat along for the ride."
"There was a time in the weeks and months following July 2003 where Goichi Suda kicked a soccer ball through a credit scroll. It's the small things always."
"My grandmother put greedy preachers in their places - twice."
"But they do, you know what else I've got myself over Christmas time after a certain um, I don't know, Bayonetta 3 was announced on it."
"I need like a sandwich or two a week and when I don't get it it's like dying."
"It's about survival and you know that was the only way I actually got to survive with John Wall because of that, you know, I had to think fast."
"It's not just about the egg, it's about the fun I had along the way."
"I happen to know he's been here whatever whatever. Yeah. Oh, and the line's moving."
"Honestly, I should have made one of these and then made the video, but then I would have had two breakfast sandwiches in a day."
"Perhaps the most perplexing story he shared about his life was about when he had been a frontman in his high school band."
"Nicholas Stromboli ate spaghetti when he comes around."
"It's a little easier the second child because the first child you know you survived."
"I could not make this up y'all I cannot make this up."
"They were playing video games when they went out. I mean, hey, that's, you know, there's worse ways to go."
"But I'm not even gonna ask questions, I'm just gonna appreciate the fact that somebody was able to glue a full eyelash onto my eyelid."
"This suitcase has been a godsend this summer away gifted Matt and I suitcases and luggage right before we went on a road trip which was such perfect timing."
"And by the way, I have to mention this because I know some of you guys who watch the birth videos or birth blogs are probably gonna ask about my sister who was there, who was like my biggest cheerleader and she was very vocal in the room."
"Remember Charlie Williams: 'Say something wrong to the guy and you had this feeling he would reach into his bag, take out a firearm, and shoot you.'" - John Brisca's teammate
"I remember being there, you know, like my creamer, it was part of my coffee."
"Literally after that, we were together every single day, man. I mean, I've seen him a lot more than I see my wife and kids for the next several years. It was incredible."
"I went to Egypt last month and Peru 12 years ago; have you checked out the pyramids outside of Mexico City?"
"More importantly than that, I'm looking at a culture that is turning the corner, that is starting to say, you know what, we've had enough. This is enough."
"I'm 37 and I'm still telling people about my cousin."
"This dog reminds me a lot of my own dog. He takes poops like all over the room."
"I'm at work, you know. I've known this guy for like 20 years at this point. Well, why should you be privy to our unique stories and inside jokes that we have with one another? It's pretty presumptuous of you, to be honest."
"For me, the only way to stop the wiping is to take a shower. And I don't know why that is, but the minute you take soap and water to your heinie, you're gonna stop the wipes."
"I was the dude from New York that went to Virginia and went to the strip club."
"Farting is the best. My uncle's funeral, my stomach, because it was 8:30 in the morning."
"She's now even eating the orange ones out of spite. I don't think that I'll get any more gummy bear discards after this. Time to buy my own."
"Every single night that bed was swinging, a 175 pound bed swinging on its chains in the dark of the boathouse until my last day at the camp."
"I did get sick after we tried for baby. I'm not saying anything but Addison, the heck?"
"The weirdest things happen, I'm telling you, the weirdest things today."
"Chicago in the house! Alright, today I called Josh about one hour ago now..."
"That's a cool story when I heard, but it worked good, I'm glad it did."
"I've never broken any of my bones... that's not my place."
"Delirious called me one day he said I found a guy named QT Martial down in Florida."
"One more question and then I'm going to get that hemipteran that's been plaguing us oh my god they really suck."
"I had strange, creepy, and just plain cool things happen randomly all my life."
"I knew Ted was committed when he said, 'I had 12 empanadas.'"
"I do like penguins. There was a time in my life when I referred to a penguin as being my favorite animal."
"You're only going to attract bad stuff, yeah, but like on top of that, like the actual celebrities, like Justin Bieber when I met him, nicest guy on the planet."
"It's where we sit and recap college football in a bloody mary of your choice."
"His girl was like back in New York, so that was like love of his life, he'd always write her notes."
"But yeah to answer your question probably not until I get better Spanish scales maybe won't to me because I don't speak Spanish whenever he does like say someone asked him directions or something."
"I don't know if anyone else does this but my grandma always had me do this and so it's just been ingrained in me i have never found a rock."