"You ever get those sneezes where there's like recoil, like it knocks you back? Man, that was one of those sneezes."
"He never washes his hair, although he should."
"You ever see a guy in public wearing a shirt saying the best dad ever and you wondered like where he actually ranks."
"Looks like you're in a wedding party in 1973."
"Oh my gosh, where did you go? Kermit doesn't have teeth and cannot eat hard foods."
"We all bleed the same. Fact, we all gotta tie our shoes the same, unless you wear Velcro, then you just step over."
"At Purdue, they're always going to have a tall lanky dude... At Duke, they're going to have a guy that tries to trip everyone."
"The koala is the only thing in Australia that will not kill you."
"We're not going to win the league because Man City have won every game in the last 30 years by the looks of it."
"Elbows are impossible to remember, like what are they?"
"It's a miracle that all this stuff works, but all you crazy chimpanzees... can sit in this same room without tearing each other apart."
"You don't poop on vacation, um, my theory is that her home is very close by, so it's not a long journey for her."
"It's like imagine a hand like this one right here, that's a funny hand dude."
"An orangutan has been captured performing do-it-yourself repairs better than some humans."
"I feel like what I'm saying is bad and I thought it's just because my cat likes to play hide and seek..."
"I've told you that seven times already since you got your hat, your face, your green thing, and the red shoes and the black pants going for a little Christmas cheer."
"People just love to be better than others don't they it's always world's biggest wheel world's best glass world's most exclusive collection of first run power puff girls merchandise etc."
"Here's light for food and a jarring wood chipper sound. I don't think the garbage disposal actually works. No one has ever seen one work. It's the only appliance you have to listen to to see if it's operated."
"Damn, boy, that boy kicked up a million rocks! I'm legally blind!"
"These women was walking back into the wax center and them coochies was black panthers!"
"I find it difficult to believe that Catwoman of all people would have terrible peripheral vision." - Questionable logic
"Rocket is a rabbit guys guys look! Rocket is a rabbit guys guys look, there's a cute little rabbit in the sink!"
"The days are gradually shortening, the planned vacations are wrapping up, and a handful of crazy people are pretending that it's fall already."
"People are always worried about birds pooping on their cars."
"Infinite life, dude. You can still die in a living room."
"Dude is skipping elbow day, what's it looks like he's got Cloud Strife arms here and that is okay."
"What is this, a new object? It's a giant cake coffee now."
"Let kids be kids. Kids can be funny acting their age. Kids say the darndest things."
"Ladies, you know how sometimes underwear pinches in areas you just weren't pinched? Yes, Hila, you know about that all the time."
"I gotta get up. I watched it. Ain't no, what was it? It ain't no, uh, 'Who Made Potato Salad?' Oh, here's a funny thing."
"When we legalize marijuana, people get the munchies."
"Fame is when reporters ask to interview your cat."
"Scammers are so dumb that they're spelling everything right."
"Statistically, everyone gets three wishes when it comes to a mate."
"Koalas they're high like 95% of their day... shout out to the koalas out there man [__]."
"Let me tell you something my dudes who it is stanky up in here man damn I mean we got cow poop pig poop sheep poop and cacti poop all in the same place absolutely disgusting."
"Mitch McConnell died twice on TV, ain't nobody told Mitch McConnell to go home yet."
"From the first time I ever saw Sizzlapede, the only thing I could think about was the shredded chicken quesadilla melt from Taco Bell."
"I didn't know him, you know? It's sort of like how we all don't wanna stand in front of the microwave for some reason."
"Without magic, wizards are just frail nerds."
"Nobody can tell if your house is a mess they don't know where you are"
"Trade your privacy for, you know, a robot getting you a beer."
"You got answers. And I think people really liked to know that Justice had been served."
"Dogs, humans, we're eating all kinds of garbage. You don't want Cheetos coming out the other end."
"That outfit, he looks like freaking Jack Nicholson as the Joker."
"Calories don't count on the quarantine. Calories don't count."
"Parachutes were invented in 1783. People before 1783: All right, Bros, remember your timing."
"Volkanovski reminds me of Jack Jack from The Incredibles—he's just trying to hold it together."
"You definitely look like you love french fries."
"Yo, buffets are PVP enabled areas. I just saw a lady pour chili onto her pizza like she's enchanting her weapon."
"He said that the slide probably has like a 24-inch diameter which I mean it's got to be a small ass slide."
"I mean, your life is fantastic, right? You're a 60-something-year-old man who's getting up there and singing weird songs and funny lyrics."
"I thought it was super neat. It's like one of those things the universe does to be like, 'Hey, isn't this funny?'"
"You can't be toxic if you can't talk, dude, that's funny as [ __ ]."
"Sleep properly 'cause a German shepherd takes up the entire bed."
"Y'all ever notice in movies whenever somebody's driving somewhere and they're like, 'yo such and such is in trouble,' okay I'll be right there and then they gotta bust that UE, how come it's never in the direction that they're headed here we go."
"The real fun of watching any sort of sports ball is having an excuse to consume half your body weight in snack food."
"Julia keeps doing the thing that I always find so funny which is she'll just like list the symptoms of having COVID and act like she doesn't know why she's feeling that way."
"Love is Blind baby, you've been blind as a betsy bug up in here for eight years."
"look at all these toasters you know what they say all toasters toast toast"
"It's like they took Peter Griffin's chin and gave it viagra."
"If you forget that Mountain Dew exists, but you want Mountain Dew, then this is for you."
"Nobody who sees that wants to mine it and so he's going to be like, 'Oh I must live above a big deposit. I ain't going through that.' Genius."
"Look at that Pikachu bro, it looks like somebody just threw the Pikachu on his back, he's like Miss Streamis."
"That's ridiculous, you can have your heel up at all times."
"This should be Valentine's Day. We have too many crushes right? How many soldiers, how many Valentine's Day crushes can you have?"
"Among them all they may share half of a brain."
"We did it, we won the battle with the Phoenix gate."
"Shibble is looking at this Blissey the same way that I look at a full English breakfast after a night out."
"I reckon before you'd cough to cover a fart I reckon you could whip your old chap out and it'd have less of a response than you just going [ __ ]."
"Watching them swing their weapons around at nothing was pretty goofy to be honest."
"Sir, your legs... they're completely backwards."
"The walls are so high... like we need to have a second floor or something."
"Why don't we need to take a shower to go into water that doesn't make any sense."
"She's definitely not afraid... Oh, she's sleeping. All right, let's give her a moment to rest."
"No one, uh, does that, bro. Bro, it's funny, I saw a course, a guy teaching you how to drink water correctly."
"Mushrooms would be like fire, I'm not gonna lie."
"Love is blind and deaf, but it knows a roasted chicken when it smells one."
"Santa should be wearing clothes, I'll tell you."
"We're all just cosplaying being adults here."
"Good to know his body can't move without his head."