"Sometimes, you know, we're not all blessed. Just got to let it go, man. Don't be like Kevin Durant, just go bald, man. Just let that shit go."
"If the worry for not being able to get it up gets you to put a mask on your stupid face let's talk about it let's do it."
"Just please take it seriously for your dick's sake if not for anything else."
"The universe wants you to slow down and take a chill pill, calm your titties."
"Wash your balls, wash your [__], use baby wipes when you clean yourself after the toilet, and, uh, yeah, anyway."
"Stay nine as long as you can. You get free food, no rent, your shoes light up, literally. What else could you possibly want?"
"So be gay. Do crime. And have a good time while you do it."
"If you ever see something that looks either like an Oreo cookie or an ancient coin with a quaint design, you better put on your glasses before touching it."
"Regroup tin foil hat off, regroup let's like exactly exactly."
"Sibling unity: 'Boys, stop attacking each other. Unionize.'"
"Sleep with one ass closed, baby, that's my motto."
"If you wouldn't sleep on a plank of wood, you shouldn't be gaming on a pile of ass."
"Want to lose 30 pounds in three minutes? Just follow my advice."
"It's not about who you punch, it's about getting a free sample, my brother."
"Don't panic but take precautions and bring a towel. Wash your hands."
"When life gives you lemons, you give your lemons to Healy."
"When I don't have confidence with something but I don't know how to answer something, this is what I do: I google it. Seriously, just google it."
"If it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown flush it down it down baby yeah and flush with a friend right."
"If you yearn for World Peace, start your day with cake. Learn the meaning of coexistence."
"You can't eat a chanel bag but you can eat some rice." - T
"Hey, no reading, no vegetables, and you'd like drive them out to the woods and leave them there."
"The fastest is through your butthole and people are sunning their body."
"If I happen to be on a Malaysian plane and it's going down and they call for a doctor to the front you stay your ass seated okay don't you run your ass up there trying to try to do anything matter who to me."
"You need your groin. You need both of them. Groin index dot com. Don't forget about groin index, doctor."
"She has boobs and can help you get out of there you know that's the better answer than the one that was actually popular."
"Tell Kamala she better get her funny-looking self down to Howard. Tell Kamala she needs to get her funny-looking self to the White House and tell her white supremacist zaddy Joe Biden that he promised to do something for Black students."
"Seriously, that's an amazing mother's day gift especially if you have siblings. Don't put your siblings picture just yours."
"You better talk to your pizza man about that."
"You might not call it a date, but everybody in America is gonna call that a date." - Judge Dana
"Criminals, take a break, okay? Stay home and don't commit any crimes. That way, you stay safe and out of jail, and police officers will stay safe and can go home to their families. Okay, so everybody chill, crooks."
"The only advice every time it doesn't matter what your problem is, I need a button with Kelly Clarkson's voice just saying 'Forget it, Kelly, you are.'"
"It's just a pain gap guys, get out the copium."
"Guests think 'The Dragons of Camelot' has a long queue? Buy a priority pass, you greedy fox!"
"The solution was to turn on the garbage disposal and then reach down and get the key."
"If you ain't got no universe, then you ain't got no universe. Quit bullshitting, quit trying to pull it out just because somebody else did it, and you know who you are."
"Remember you don't just want your balls to be beautiful when the pants are off, you want those balls to be healthy throughout the remainder of your life."
"You just have to be able to outrun your friend."
"You can't play games with this COVID [ __ ], you might as well wear a condom on your face."
"Don't ever let your mind be so open that your brain falls out."
"Don't be a fool. The best advice on that doesn't come from me or Marty or anyone in our business comes from the poet and humorist Ogden Nash. He said when called by a panther don't answer."
"Sneak attacks don't work if you yell them out loud."
"$29 million dollars > < Snickers bar… Let this be a lesson to us all going forward."
"You're not a horse, you're not a cow. Seriously, y'all, stop it."
"You've worked hard these days, go take a hot shower first. You stink."
"You have to proceed your corrections with the phrase 'um, actually.'"
"Not everything is free. You can't bathe your kids in Purell."
"I heard Metal say get ready, damn, said boy you're gonna need a suit."
"Karen gave some great advice: whatever the problem is, just throw your computer out the window."
"And he just wants to do it 69 times, and I was like, listen, Jessie, if things ever get difficult, if things get dark, if you begin to doubt that you still got it, just remember that Violent J told you that he wanted to do 69, 69 times."
"And as we always say, don't do crime, don't do math."
"Smooth Sack Summer is slowly coming to an end, fellas. If you haven't been skating for the summer sun, it's not too late to sweep your sack of those pesky pubes."
"Keep making stuff up, but also within reason, okay?"
"But I'm Jared reminding you guys to always make questionable choices."
"You want to go do human stuff? Get two doses of this vaccine. Nah, thanks, bro."
"That's hilarious! And it was a super chat for $19.99."
"Life will get better, just control your Johnson."
"Bring snacks like and a bathroom and maybe your laundry to fold."
"Don't buy a Roborock H6 to cool your PC, buy one to clean your home."
"That ain't your car, baby. You might be in a Corolla season, not a Benz season."
"Stock up on some backup toilet paper, literally just stick it in your fanny pack or your purse."
"If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. Grandma taught me that."
"You're meant to destroy the simps, not join them."
"I am never doing this again in my Parish we talk about the three bees the three be's are the three rooms where a phone or a computer should never be in your house isn't it interesting that all three of those rooms all start with a B."
"Be yourself, do you just caught your balls like a fun little like thought."
"The only thing that can stop COVID-19 is you watching common thunder."
"I gotta go pee so bad. Gotta put the toilet paper down like mama taught me."
"Why do today what you can put off to tomorrow?"
"I'm not gonna catch a 30-pounder without a rod in the water, so if in doubt, just blindly chuck it out, I suppose."
"Why is she focused? Good gaming session, no! This is not where you sleep, this is where you sleep."
"Everybody, I feel like I'm what not to do, like what you should do, you should have the rubber foam version of these."
"Everyone wants to change the world but nobody wants to change the toilet paper roll. Be the change."
"Don't be excessive about it but I think you should still wash your ass."
"If you make your life too much about your husband you will not be able to enjoy your camel and that ain't right."
"Good work isn't cheap and cheap work's never good, girls, press it."
"With great sauces comes great responsibility."
"Next time you find yourself in a fight in staff room, try lining yourself up so that your head is making a sandwich between the two backs of the chairs."
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It annoys the pig, and it wastes your time."
"There's never been a better time to buy off a politician than right they are available ladies and gentlemen."
"Anyway, if it ain't about me, don't give up your bullet unless you want to give up the booty."
"Protect yourself, please. Don't shoot a Bigfoot, okay? But you know, don't you be after him that way."
"You've already got too many GFs, join the GFs."
"Until we understand more, it might be an idea to hide the kitchen knives before you switch the lights out each night."
"Cheapest option: driving without ceasing. Go drive, drive like your life depends on it... just kidding, please drive responsibly."
"Strap your OEM gear tight and make sure you've got plenty of potatoes because we're going to be here for a while."
"If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be smart about it."
"Why should you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 50? Dang Cook."
"If you don't have friends you could do dumb boring [ __ ] like that with, you ain't [ __ ] dude."
"Just go up to her and just say look me likey you likey."
"Don't do it, don't give it a chance to serve anybody. Donut, give it to Des, don't do it, don't do it, doing good jobs, good hops."
"James, if you just had some slides, bro, like some flops."
"When it comes to choosing who will be in your life, I recommend valuing their yeehaw quality above all others."
"Would spatchcocking a turkey work for Thanksgiving or Christmas? You might need garden shears, but yeah, okay, that's well, that comes into the scissoring actually."
"Inspect your own poops so that you know what's going on down there in the gutter Works Department."
"Congratulations! You've made it to the end of our journey, and the number one place that I recommend for you to retire in the world is drumroll please... wherever the heck you want!"
"Nice Dave, I like that he's like, stop the gun flapping and start the build flapping."
"I jumped in his mouth. If there's any other oranges or any other food out there watching this, definitely don't jump in the baby's mouth."
"You gotta relax. What about something nice in the gym? You can't do a pull-up with a hard-on."
"I mean this is something you have to do though it's not like I'm doing it just to try and be funny for the video or anything you legit have to pee when you gotta go you gotta go."
"If you ever want to test your relationship, build an Ikea piece of furniture with your significant other."
"You gotta pull out your deck of cheese, your charcuterie board that every Protoss has."
"Your future sounds pretty weird. Should probably let him win if that's what I'll turn into."
"You know when the poo comes out right, you clip it like a cigar."
"If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em."
"If you love someone, you convince your family that. Unless the girl is a monster, which she sounds very lovely, she's a toaster."
"Be good to yourselves and each other, don't go losing your head."
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies children supplied with loud toys."
"A glass of wine and a beard trimmer aren't the ideal combination last thing at night."