When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? Quotes
"I’m an outsider by choice, but not truly. It’s the unpleasantness of the system that keeps me out."
"My advice: Just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place."
"I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive."
"I’m new-wave, but I’m old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound."
"I’m a nonbeliever, I’m an overachiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward."
"I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports."
"I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last."
"I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean."
"I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time."
"You can’t shut me up; you can't dumb me down."
"Everything is natural. Nature includes everything. It's not just trees and flowers... it's everything in the universe."
"One of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives."
"No one should get a tip for standing erect, moving a few feet to one side and picking up a muffin."
"If you want tea, I say order tea. That's a different experience. It's known as 'having tea.'"
"The difference between food and cuisine is sixty dollars."
"Old-fashioned means before we had sanitation laws; before hygiene became popular."
"You want to know some real gourmet food? Toasted snail penises; candied filet of panda asshole: deep-dish duck dick."
"If it's fruit flavor you want, you can't go wrong with fruit. Or, as I've pointed out, fruit juice."
"Know what you want, get what you need, and get the fuck out of there. That’s how ya shop."
"I’m not sure you’ve noticed it, but I’m always trying to improve society."
"Why don’t we just call handicapped people defective?"
"Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid."
"If you had yourself cloned, who, exactly, would be your parents?"
"I’m not a doctor, I’ve had no medical training; I’m just another guy, out, driving around looking for a little fun."
"I’m going to turn out the light now and leave you alone in the dark. All by yourself."
"Life is simple: Your happiness will be based completely on luck and genetics."
"A person who commits suicide is someone who places no value on his life."
"War is simply nature’s way of doing things; of keeping down the count."
"Try to get your heroes straight. Not everyone who died in 9/11 was a hero."
"Hero is a very special word, that’s why we reserve it for certain special people."
"Live every day as if it’s your last and eventually it will be."
"Nothing works, nothing counts, nothing fits, no one cares, no one listens."
"Imagine how creepy it would be to be sexually abused by your great-great-grandparents."
"We ought to have a name for the day before yesterday."
"Why not join the army? Join up and die. How do you expect to keep America free if you won’t die?"
"It’s natural to understand the fear of aging. It’s universal; no one wants to get old, no one wants to die."
"Being old is just fine; in fact, it can be terrific. And anyway, it’s one of those things you don’t get to choose. It’s not optional."
"The baby boomers, who gave us politically correct language, are now calling themselves pre-elderly."
"People think getting old is bad because they think being old is bad."
"I’d look in the mirror and think, 'Well, I guess I’m getting...older!' That sounded a little better than old."
"The boomers claim that if you’re between fifty and sixty-five, you’re pre-elderly."
"We have senior citizens, whether I like that phrase or not, unfortunately, I got used to it."
"One last, pathetic example: 'The West Nile virus is a particular threat to people of age.' Poor Matt."
"So calling it a long-term-care facility is really a trick. 'C’mon, Grandpa, it’s not a home. It’s long-term care!'"
"I wanted to pull him aside and say, 'Listen, I just heard you refer to yourself as a senior.'"