Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, And Where The Hell Are My Keys Quotes
"We never look happy! We need a makeover."
"I’ll have to pay for the whole wedding."
"I was about to go into her house and ask her father for her hand and the rest of her."
"I’m always at the dermatologist’s. He keeps picking at me; I’m like his own personal honey-baked ham."
"Every time I sit on the toilet, I make tea with my balls."
"I was literally a hybrid car, I was half gas."
"Why did I say that to that schmuck? Okay, he was a schmuck, but why did I say that? After all, he is the pope."
"A universal word that sums up how you feel when you hit sixty-five."
"I want to reconnect with God, I want something to hold on to because I want to believe there is something better, something after this."
"It's more important to look good than to feel good."
"It was a tough day and I need a chance to catch up because, as usual, I’ve been up all night."
"We just can’t help it. When the darkness of the theater combines with the coolness of the air-conditioning, it’s toxic."
"If you could get on the show and make him laugh, it meant everything."
"Don’t hit the ball in old man Crystal’s yard, you’ll never get it back!"
"It’s like I’m my grandfather driving his car in the left lane of the freeway at twenty miles per hour."
"I currently have six dental specialists. I’ve had more people in my mouth than a Colombian hooker during a presidential visit."
"I’m Billy, nice to know you. If I get up here, maybe you’ll drive me again."
"We just kept throwing. I started to cry."
"It was show business to Sammy—that’s it, and that’s all."
"Super PACs: STOP. The Supreme Court decision to allow this has disenfranchised all of us and ruined our country."
"And I am really annoyed at teachers who have sex with students. STOP."
"Climate-change deniers: STOP. Look out the fucking window. How much evidence do you need?"
"Pit bulls: STOP. Yes, I know they can be affectionate, and yes, I know that it’s bad owners who make bad pit bulls, but guess what: there are a lot of bad owners out there."
"People not impressed by NASA: STOP. When we were growing up, space flight was a wonder."
"Ageism: STOP. What is it with American society? In Asia, they revere their elders and venerate anything old."
"We fought imperialism, we fought racism, we fought sexism, and now we need to enlist in the war against ageism."
"There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book?"
"You want to know what else upsets me? People who ask rhetorical questions: STOP!"
"TSA: STOP! I’ll give you a hint: if she’s a ninety-year-old grandmother from Des Moines who smells like Febreze, she’s safe."
"Hey, honey, I’m old now, which means you are officially a trophy wife."
"I guess when you write a book covering your first sixty-five years, there has to be at least one scandal."
"If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much."
"You bet," he said. "It’s a great metaphor, isn’t it?"
"The greatest compliments I’ve ever received are about how Janice and I raised our girls."
"You are Italy’s greatest export to Hollywood. Why is there no good pizza in L.A.?"
"She reached out her hands to me, and I grasped them as she pulled me closer to her."
"I raised my glass and said what a good feeling it was to know that we’d brought them up to be intelligent, charming women who good men could fall in love with."
"Hey, I gotta tell you, that was a great show."
"That almost spoiled everything, but it was Fellini!"
"I want you to meet someone," and I’m thinking, Threesome."
"They’re home again, and sometimes you can’t wait for them to leave."
"I had to. I didn’t want anyone else to go near it."
"This is not a baseball movie. It’s the story of these two men."
"Stop being modest," he replied. "It was just great."
"He took the French cigarette out of Tom’s mouth and said, "Let’s go to work. Billy, come back in two weeks."
"I was worried, to be sure, but when it’s your daughter in there, you worry even more."
"Billy boy, every time God closes a door, he opens another—that’s when the Nazis can see who’s hiding in the house. Don’t trust anyone."
"Your kids are going to ask for the grandkids to sleep over at your place."
"Personally, I love it when my kids look more tired than we do. Sweet revenge."
"The first sleepover is a delight for grandmothers and a challenge for grandfathers."
"When they turn one, you can start talking to them."
"At two, they start talking back to you. They learn how to say 'NO.'"
"Then they go to preschool and it seems that every three weeks or so there’s a show."
"One of the biggest regrets in my life is the fact that I’m not going to be around them forever to enjoy moments like that."
"Learn from your own parenting mistakes."
"As they get around six and older, girls start acting out a little."
"Try not to overreact when they appear naked in front of you."
"Don’t tell them the truth about what you did when you were their age."
"Make a rule that no one can use an iPad or smartphone at the dinner table."
"Celebrate the fact that the ancient Mayans were wrong."
"The most special thing I ever did on my birthday was when my life’s dream came true: I got to play for the New York Yankees."
"My first memory is of being in a cemetery."