"Superior, top rated, best ever... mashed potatoes, I mean if you could, if you can only pick one thing, yes mashed potatoes." - Garrett
"Pumpkin pie is your number one on your roster, number one on the roster, mine's my can of olives." - Garrett
"There's two types of relationships: old love that becomes old, and old relationship like yours and Tom's."
"Mario 64 makes me feel like Waluigi is a flesh-colored sperm."
"I want all of you to go through your life being as confident as Matt is in his potentially subpar dota skills."
"Anyone who drinks chocolate milk isn't that shot but melt killer."
"A lot of chocolate from the UK tastes like calendar chocolate like it tastes like a advent calendar."
"Pray those wildfires don't reach the ocean or the whole state is going to be fried worse than Dog the Bounty Hunter."
"The Democratic Party: they fight just as much as the real housewives of Atlanta, only they get less done."
"You look like the Unabomber who was too afraid to send the bombs."
"What did we just watch? Oh my goodness, bro, we got it on screen right now, he literally went, literally helped me and Justin look when we eat something really sour, bro."
"Is this like a Ratatouille situation where you're piloting me?"
"Ah, that's funny. Oh man, oh man, he looks so shit. Oh dude, so I'm spoiler alert, Viserys isn't dead, he's just Emperor Palpatine. Can you persist forever?"
"I love melted cheese more than I love most human beings."
"Trying to fit a circular table in a square room is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole."
"It's like going to the bathroom and not closing the door."
"Three seconds, smart businessman. If I had Matt Hardy's money, I'd burn mine."
"This entire trial is a soap opera quesarito."
"Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did except you."
"Rats are literally like mafias but instead of being cool badass bosses with cigars in their mouth, they're just 16-year-olds behind the APC with Doritos everywhere and a body pillow on their bed."
"Leo's doppelganger hails all the way from Sweden."
"Luke Shaw and Trump are similar, both enjoy Mickey D's meal, both fashionable to hate, but if you actually look into their performances, they're good." - A comparison with a touch of humor and a defense of Luke Shaw.
"Sex is great but have you ever taken a poop so hard that it clears your tummy and you feel confident your depression is cured?"
"If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then this organized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe."
"It's a real Romeo and Juliet moment, only incredibly stupid."
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often and for the same reason."
"This is starting to get too much, like, sorry, it's like here's you and here's the bench, like, I like the bench more now. I'm just kidding."
"Finding a delicious, vegan-friendly item on a fast food menu is like finding a tramp stamp on a nun, harder than you think, but it is possible."
"Boob jobs are like the energy drink of tits."
"Onion rings are just vegetable donuts, change my mind."
"Some of these are good and some of these are just smoothie at this point."
"A sharp stick is maybe preferable to a Mosin." - ChatGPT
"He kinda looks like Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein had a baby."
"Now this closet is the size of my first apartment."
"They're like birthday cake Oreos... I just want to eat it."
"If you were having a geriatric Olympics, I'd put my money on Joe Biden winning the decathlon, not Donald Trump."
"We got the cow! Oh, it's got the head over here, are you kidding me? That literally looks like me, cow got hair look like."
"It's like butter. Even though it's called 'I can't believe it's not butter.'"
"Listen, Alexander the Great was the most famous person ever 3000 years ago, if he was walking around today he'd just be an idiot in a toga."
"A soundtrack that slaps harder than your ex after a bad date."
"That's the charm of the town. I'm eating rancid squirrel meat, that's better than the rib eyes now."
"Luigi is not doing absolutely nothing, this guy's Knuckles, right?"
"Makes about as much sense as Donald Trump's legal defenses."
"Just like Four Seasons Total Landscaping, things like that get promoted naturally and organically, that's the best way to go."
"If celebrating women was a drinking game, everyone on earth would be dead of alcohol poisoning."
"Dora and Jimmy Neutron with prep time is ultimately too much for anyone on that roster to handle."
"I'd rather smell what The Rock's cooking than what Sancho and Co are cooking."
"I'd rather have a zombie come for me than an agent. That's real work."
"Is it Barry Allen? Is it a Concorde? Is it a Bugatti Chiron Super Sport? Is it my dad abandoning my family? All of these things are speedy enough."
"The rain in Puerto Rico is like the market in crypto: if you don't like it, just wait five minutes, it'll change."
"Seriously, give me broccoli over those any day."
"Be that you kind of look like I could, Anakin. I could, you could be you slice the youth up, bruh. So hold on."
"Due dates for babies are like estimated download times."
"Dude is skipping elbow day, what's it looks like he's got Cloud Strife arms here and that is okay."
"A sniper have you nervous though as a stripper in church, that nervous."
"I was hoping one of you were going to say agree because I had this argument with my roommate and I made the argument that if you think cereal is soup then you have to admit that [expletive] in a toilet bowl is also soup."
"That is amazing, I literally can't even right now. I can't even worse than a teenage girl at Starbucks."
"I got a crepe booty because crepes are flatter than pancakes."
"Popeyes chicken makes Chick-fil-a sandwich weak as hell."
"It is a mathematical certainty that no matter where the book lands it will always be closer to you than the Disney movie adaption was to its plot. Science."
"A dog may be man's best friend, but a cat is everyone's favorite feline fatale."
"But have you ever looked at a cheese pizza and thought God I want to wear that as a sweater?"
"Best performer is a sailfish, again cheating because they have a sail."
"There are more chickens than humans on the planet, and Snapple is at the knees of Arizona."
"Wow, $500, that's like five dollars in today's money."
"She's strong as mate, and I think she's got the ring powers or whatever, not the ring ring like the girl from The Ring, you know?"
"This car's got more issues than Britney Spears in '06."
"I'm just glad I didn't look bad like a saggy old sock."
"It's as if the entire Alterra Corporation is like a Skyrim NPC that loses interest six seconds after being shot in the head."
"Corn it's like a unicorn with ten horns. Yeah, ten horns. That's horny. That's very... That's a lot of horns."
"Unmeltable ice might not be cool, but you know what's cooler than meltable ice? Bubbles!"
"You probably have a higher chance of getting hit by a submarine falling from the sky than getting murdered on the streets."
"She attacks you, she's just like my cat. The Beast is like my cat when it's nighttime."
"Living the dream, man. Sometimes it feels a little bit like Shutter Island, but it's good, dude. God is good." - Monkey
"El Nanny is like a cold tin of beans, full of energy."
"If Yellowstone is the mother of all national parks, Grand Teton is the sexy girl next door."
"This computer will probably boot up faster than the blockbuster franchise that nobody loves with the dumbest criminals."
"When a zombie apocalypse happen normal people run away. Minecraft players: Why isn't everyone going to their beds yet?"
"This tastes like a PB and a J. Maybe you should just make them a PB and J."
"It's like a dog show, a happy Dan club." - "It's like what are you doing when someone's like, 'I'm just so stupid.'"
"That sat in the sun on a roof, that's like accidentally tripping and finding plutonium."
"Bella post-van purification and yassification, I understand what she's going through because that's very much me after an ice mocker with oat milk. Like, we understand each other, we see each other."
"If I'm brushing my teeth, I spit out the toothpaste, but if I'm gargling, kind of tastes like fireball whiskey."
"When you're kind of at a bar meeting somebody like, 'Well what do you do for a living?' and it's like, 'But I'm not, I'm an accountant or I'm a school teacher,' I was like, 'Well, I'm a circus clown, right?' Right?"
"This dog reminds me a lot of my own dog. He takes poops like all over the room."
"Before the war between Android and Apple started, the war between 0.5 and 0.7 juices was the one that separated humans from each other."
"It's like a hamburger, I told you, a hamburger cheeseburger, I got news for you buddy, go to Italy, you think people are eating chicken parm sandwiches in Italy, they're not!"
"I feel so happy, my brain's getting fried bro, like some french fries bro."
"They're 10 times the size and possess higher grade firepower and yes that would be a significant upgrade if it weren't for the fact that these things are more inaccurate than stormtroopers."
"It's neither one nor the other. A hot dog is its own special beast, in more ways than one."
"Periods are normal and natural... Yeah, but there's a lot of things that are normal natural that I don't want in my cooking bowl."
"I think he's up there with the likes of a nice yawn."
"Leonardo DiCaprio is the Batman of West Hollywood."
"I love to pass the football when baby is like math homework."
"I looked young back then, not this Haggard [ __ ] Nick Noti after the dyer cycle."
"There's a very fine line between werewolves and furries."
"Oh dude, that's getting like Steve Jobs to hold up Android."
"It's rare that I get something else. Did I get regular Pepsi? I call it crack see cuz they do something weird to it."
"If Zoro were the king of beasts, then Chopper would be the ultimate man."
"Are you missing your van? Is this van like a dog or something?"
"I feel like I have to have my beliefs in here. Florida man of Bud Light-ology, it's like Scientology only a lot more drunken."
"It's like we're running around with our heads cut off like like chickens."
"If I died to a meteor, it's like dying to Ninja, you just praise them and move on."
"When you eat an ice cream and start nibbling on the wooden stick, I am the beaver."
"You're like the infomercial of ghost hunting."
"I just find Man City annoying but it's like a little pimple really."
"That cable management... looks the exact opposite of every other desk in the world."
"You couldn't fit an eggplant in there, it's too big, it'll tear you in."
"I feel like I'm driving a dump truck, baby. I feel like I'm driving a... and the wheel just kind of... like, where are we? This is insane."
"Having a gay son is like getting a french fry in your onion rings. I didn't ask for it but hey, I like those too."
"I'd pick the car over her, bruh, just saying."
"Veganism is not a cult. I mean, have you ever tried to get vegans to do anything? It's like herding cats, only less cute."
"Grenades make everything more fun, right? I mean, they explode and they're like little pineapples."
"This isn't the worst thing I've ever seen on the subreddit. It's kind of purse-like, but then it's actually a rock."
"I like to think of Windows ME as the emo phase of Microsoft."
"You know how Dracula's can't go into churches? Vampires, sure. I have trouble getting into the gym."
"We don't say is the Pope Catholic, we say does Matt like Coke Zero."
"It looked like a linebacker with a serious hair issue."
"I step out the shower smelling like Starbucks. Who doesn't want to smell like a latte?"
"Slovakia isn't Germany. Actually, this thing's about as German as I am, and I'm not German or Slovakian. It's not German."
"This isn't just like an Amazon box that you break down super easy and squish down and cut it." - Greg
"That's like getting prom queen or something but for the nerds."
"As much as Universal put up a fight with that very excellent chocolate peanut butter cookie, you can't top Gideon's."
"Once you go first class and [ __ ] it's like it's hard to go back to the back of the bus, it isn't they don't give you no mimosas."
"I look like joe exotic's lawyer that's going to try to get him pardoned we're going to get you out brother sit tight you can make it happen."
"He was like the Mahatma Gandhi and he was funny."
"These ones were shipped in by crane. Oh, there's a big, better than being dropped in by crane."
"It tastes like the apple juice my kids drink when they pretend to get blitzed."
"Patience is a virtue, just like your mom."
"Oh my God, orangutans are the heaviest animals to spend most of their lives in the trees, it's the best life insurance policy when your first floor neighbor's 50 Shades of finite."
"I'm pretty sure it would have caught Michael Phelps if it wanted to. It was cruising."
"This is going to make you happier than a dog in a hamburger factory."
"First of all, there's Larry Bird, he's the God, I'm Jesus, and then the rest are my angels."