Napalm & Silly Putty Quotes
"Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit."
"Religion has actually convinced people—many of them adults—that there's an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything you do, every minute of every day."
"Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are."
"I think someone could make a lot of money if they set up a little stand at the Grand Canyon and sold Yo-Yos with 500-foot strings."
"Murder investigators say that in most cases husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands, children kill parents, and parents kill children. Thank God for a little sanity in the world."
"Every six minutes there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore."
"When I see a guy with hair on his back I immediately relegate him to the animal kingdom."
"Where did this idea come from that if you're a celebrity, and something bad happens to you, you have to devote your life to eliminating the same problem for everyone else?"
"You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven."
"I have no sympathy for 'single dads.' Most of these guys got married because they wanted steady pussy. Well, steady pussy leads to steady babies, and steady babies tend to cut down the pussy."
"You want to know how you can help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!"
"Everybody loves their children; it doesn’t make you special."
"What’s happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t even allowed to have hazardous toys, for Chrissakes!"
"You can’t save ’em all. You can’t do it. You gotta let ’em go; you gotta cut ’em loose."
"We’re saving entirely too many lives in this country—of all ages!"
"The only thing they’d say to you is, 'That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.'"
"Take a fuckin’ chance! You know how many people die from food poisoning in this country every year? Nine thousand! That’s all! It’s a minor risk."
"But if I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha."
"If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else."
"America would be better off if we took all these male Citadel and VMI students and simply castrated them."
"You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic."
"I don’t shy away from people who sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it."
"Did you ever start hittin’ a guy with a big, heavy club? It’s great, isn’t it?"
"Sometimes when you’re burying a guy alive, for a moment or two you start feeling sorry for him. And then it passes, and you keep on shovelling."
"I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not however be responsible for the consequences."
"Why do they bother saying 'raw sewage'? Do some people actually cook that stuff?"
"Here’s more bullshit middlebrow philosophy: 'That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.'"
"Isn’t it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries?"
"I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn’t it legal to sell fucking?"
"The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs."
"If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance."
"Golf courses are the biggest waste of prime real estate!"
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands."
"When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to."
"Once a year they should have No Hairpiece Day. So everyone could see what all these baldy-headed, fake-hair jerkoffs really look like."
"Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it’s a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that’s enough of that.""
"The greatest thing since sliced bread. So this is it? A couple of hundred thousand years …sliced bread?"
"The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains."
"In the United States, anybody can be president. That’s the problem."
"My most frequent sex fantasy: to work in a delicatessen and have a woman come in and ask me to give her a pound of tongue."
"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"You know what they ought to have on planes? A passenger voice recorder. So we could hear all the screaming when a plane goes down."
"When you rub your eyes real hard do you see that checkerboard pattern? What is that?"
"Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands."
"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, it changed."
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."
"Although it’s untrue that rubbing a toad causes warts, it does give the toad a hard-on."
"We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket."
"I pray each night that someday on a single afternoon, several major news stories will break within a few hours of each other."
"I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."
"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
"To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope."
"I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights."
"Never believe anything anyone in authority says."
"Most Americans roll over on command. Not me."
"My first rule: Never believe anything anyone in authority says. None of them. Government, police, clergy, the corporate criminals."
"If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked."
"Pro-life. How can they be pro-life when they're killing doctors?"
"What sort of moral philosophy is that? 'We'll do anything to save a fetus, but we might have to kill it later on if it grows up to be a doctor'?"
"If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is going to die, where does the sacred part come in?"
"The sanctity of life, and the death penalty. We made the whole thing up!"
"As you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path."
"No one ever knows what's next, but they always do it."
"Here’s something I consider a crime against society: women with hyphenated names."
"The only hip thing left to do in America is to blow up a building. Believe me."
"What exactly is wrong with inmates running the asylum?"
"When it comes to my organs, I've decided to donate only my prostate and testicles, with the stipulation that they go to one of those lovely feminists."
"Civilization began its downhill path the day some guy first uttered the words, 'A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.'"
"Near as I can tell, 'jack shit' and 'diddly-squat' are roughly the same amount."
"In the old days white people used to put black greasepaint on their faces and perform menstrual shows. That must have been really interesting."
"No one who has ever had 'Taps' played for them has been able to hear it."
"If you watch a sitcom carefully, you can see that it's really nothing more than a series of doors opening and closing with a series of jackoffs entering and exiting."
"I’m sure looters don’t call it looting. They probably think of it as extreme shopping."