"In high school, I had no idea what calories were. I think senior year, that's like, I was like, 'Oh, everything has stats on it.'"
"I technically became the richest man in the world for 7 minutes."
"Portion control is very hard for some people, for other people it's manageable, but people like me, I don't eat half the croissant."
"Right, so there's a lot I've regretted all my long life so far, but by far the biggest regret I have is watching a film called Dirty Grandpa."
"I think if I do, I get a real estate license, and even in my small town, you know, this is 15 plus years ago, everybody that was in real estate drove a Cadillac."
"My dad drove truck, my mom sold Avon, we were always really dirt poor."
"Oh, that sounds like Adam during Thanksgiving, dude."
"The only person who calls me Bernard is my wife, and even then, only when I've tracked elephant dung into the carpets."
"Until Barack ran in 2008, I never voted in my life for anything, except maybe a video on like, video music or something."
"My worst birthday gift? I'm at lunch with family and friends. My ex, the one who got away, texted me happy birthday and says, 'I got married recently. Hope you're happy too.'"
"I've driven without a seat belt on, and I didn't die. But I'm not out here telling people no seat belts no seat belts like that's unsafe."
"I was like Norton 6 and they let me win one."
"I'd rub it all over my nipples." - Kevin Smith
"That for me was enough when I kind of closed the door and then he called me after it on his wife's phone, and then he offered me that part. So, wow."
"White people aren't allowed to say this - I didn't see color as a young boy and I honestly don't see color now."
"I was not in a car when I went to Starbucks."
"Health is wealth. Health is well [__] how much money you got if you're not healthy and you can't enjoy it yeah God bless Steve Jobs like yeah he was stubborn huh"
"I don't know if I believe in angel numbers, but it's so crazy what happened today."
"I was obsessed with mustard... I would eat mustard with a spoon."
"It wasn't a vibrator. It was for your sinuses."
"For me, it was just like a Tuesday. I was like, let me just swipe my blanket to the left and go eat breakfast."
"Back in college, I was never the greatest study ER."
"My dad's shorter than my mom, my dad's Asian, it's cool."
"He was so active. This baby was so wild. I felt him like non-stop."
"It was like an Iraqi major or something like that, and Osborne is just like a young kid at the time, literally low guy on the totem pole."
"Everyone says Jay Rose you get such good luck, guess what? It all evens out."
"You spent all this money on a woman that prayed to whatever god she prayed to that kid actually didn't come out looking like you."
"My friend's furious that I got it, but you know what? Am I gonna die? So far, it's like four or five days and I feel fine."
"I had to buy a new juicer and I didn’t have somebody to go to like me."
"Me when I visit Shiki and she's asleep and I tried to open the alfredo sauce in the fridge when I dropped the jar and I got Alfredo over my hands and I don't know where the towels are."
"It's honestly stunning, I will say my mom kind of killed it on this one."
"Trump took his baseball cards with him and so a month elapsed."
"She's gonna get a kick out of this but my stepmom said I hope you're talking to the Midas touch guys because I love them."
"The love of a dog can sweep one off their feet, isn't that right Joe Lewis? Yep."
"Oh my god, she was such a good dog. She was just an excellent, excellent, excellent dog, man."
"I'm a former FBI agent, recovering FBI agent, it's actually a lot easier to explain to people. It's kind of like being an alcoholic when you're part of something that you didn't want to be part of."
"I thought you were going to talk about the playoff one where you almost won Hank a lot of money."
"I was one of those people and I was one of the lucky ones where the Plinko chip landed in the right place."
"I started showing my portfolio and right in the middle of one the first time I did it, Marty said to me, 'You already work here?'"
"I was laid off... they came and my boss said, 'Oh look, we ran out of work, we just don't have any time for you.'"
"You gotta go back to the smoothie spot and get the camera footage from y'all having smoothies the next morning."
"I just never got around to it, but hey, that's what this kind of a video is for."
"State attorneys general...believe me I know being a teenage grammar nerd is something from which it is difficult to recover."
"I read this story first aloud in a class in college in 1979, and a friend of mine came up to me and said, 'You should forget that sports casting thing, you should read Thurber for a living.'"
"If you do this with a cloud you could start a lightning storm above your house I've done this."
"It's like you want to do the Apollo or the beacon I was like tough decision the beacon."
"I almost forgot like I would wake up every morning with the stuffiest nose."
"My mum oozed care and consideration and love towards me and my three sisters."
"I wasn't the guy that got a Michael Kors watch. Let's just put it that way. I got my shampoo conditioner and I was told to be happy about that."
"Let's talk about GCT though real quick. This is where I had a monster win."
"By the time we actually ended up at Hogwarts I was already like halfway through the book."
"It wasn't worth it for the amazing joke that Helen made where she's like now you look like father."
"He just, he cut it out, yeah, yeah, okay, that's just, that's just a good example of how, um, things got a little out of hand back then."
"Oh my God, it's over, I didn't even make it, I didn't even make it to door 50, there it is, there's the hair, he's not bald, I have hair."
"It was the one time in my life that I sold at the top of the market."
"But mama, that was not it, I'll say that much."
"Basically I'm not, but as you can see in this photo, right, I in Eastbourne went down to the local crystal market. Um, I should do... You know what? I wouldn't get asked it already, mate."
"Six months before my daughter was born, my wife saw a fox."
"I'm not just saying that, everyone's like, 'How do you have such a good chill dog?'"
"I wanted to wear this a couple of days ago, but my cat Connie insisted on sleeping on it. I couldn't get her off."
"It can happen to anyone because it happened to my family, and I never thought it would."
"I specifically asked you out on stream one day I said mainly here because I was told not to talk to you so I couldn't help myself but uh here we are."
"I did know that I was Norwegian though my grandma is like all about being Norwegian."
"But listen I was there on the carpet and I and bumped into him with his bum leg."
"My house is really clean. I'll tell you that. My house is really clean. I bet."
"You know my passcode and my hands are kind of full."
"In 21 years of cooking, that is a first for me."
"I did this thing where I didn't get many games, it was like one or two a year, so whatever I did get, I would play the shit out of."
"He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel." - Nathan
"You're going to enforce Thanksgiving? I can only have 10 people. Would you like to know how many people I had?"
"You don't see me letting the whole world know that the movie 'Grumpy Old Men' was titled after my first three Craig's List hookups."
"I sit down at that blackjack table and I'm playing for a while and I end up..."
"Ice coffee every morning. If I have regular coffee, I start sweating. Day's ruined."
"His blood is delicious. The mosquitoes [ __ ] love me."
"Most guys rationalize things away. 'She would never do that,' they say. But funny enough, when I met my wife, I had like two nickels to rub together."
"They took my sandwich, bro. Literally, out of my hand."
"Fingers crossed I find that SD card, alright? Now, listen to this."
"Gas was $4.69 a gallon when I lived in Seattle."
"Back in my day, this wallet had no coalition."
"It tasted very nice, sort of ketchup... His nickname was the ketchup king of Campania."
"I was left alone in my vehicle caught in an awkward staring match with a Karen who's also in her car."
"I have to wonder if I didn't bring this mouse from home and I was sleeping in the car with it for the first couple days."
"I just take this and I just mine with it. Oh yeah, I just made mine."
"He later wrote a big check to my colon cancer organization which I thought was super sweet. I love him, I admire him so much."
"Yo, I got fiber where I live. Like, how long ago did I get fiber?"
"I used to wash like in high school every day."
"I got my first lobotomy at Chuck E. Cheesus." - Hilarious, would wear.
"I've got a cat, his name's Tater, the cat, he's kind of an asshole but I like him anyway."
"I played Super Mario World on December 25th, 1994. So like, suck it."
"This is more apt in my life because I did eat All-Star meals for like a month."
"Guess who's been fighting for their life against the worst 100 generation family curse of a sore throat? This guy right here."
"By the time I land, it's a 45 minute flight, he's like we're at 12k, we've doubled up."
"That's a story man that's one again if I didn't have photos because who's gonna believe that you got hit by an airplane you lived yeah right true story."
"I love dating. I mean, I was like, I'm that one guy who's like, man, I love that crap."
"Chad nicknamed his manhood 'the storm,' and I explained that in Idaho there are no hurricanes."
"I mean, my life has been fantastic, sorry about the scratching everyone that you can hear that's Elvis under the desk here, and um, he's nesting under there. LV come on."
"I believe in marriage. I witnessed my own parents 66 years married."
"I felt uncomfortable not having Harry Kane in my team, yeah? I was crying about it every day."
"I think with the pandemic, I was in my pajamas for about at least 18 months. I forgot how to tie my shoes."
"I swear to God I was thinking that too because I remember specifically I pulled a Pistol Pete Maravich right after I ate an edible and I fell asleep."
"I could not believe that she was so desperate to recruit that she recruited herself a second time with my name and address."
"I reckon of Carrera Cup July a wound in a service career I knew Amanda Darien militia."
"Different therapeutic profiles, so, and when I burn the heck out of my hand, you know, it's, it would have been nicer not to wake up in the middle of the night to have to take another one."
"Underwear is one of those things... when I say I have so much, I mean, yeah."
"Pete's the youngest 70-year-old guy I've ever seen in my life he's he's out in the north side of Hawaii it's incredible he it's like nothing like it it's unbelievable it's really who he is it's it's pretty special."
"When I met Ted in 1988, I had no word to describe him, but only because I didn’t speak German. Thank you Germans, for ‘Backpfiefengesicht‘."
"So many lucky breaks, one of my biggest work smarter, not harder things was I had to take this accounting class."
"I lost a lot of girls for being the way that I am, I'm not gonna say or tell you, 'Oh yeah, I close every girl.' I got a high close rate, no."
"Even when I gave birth, I think I showered the next day."
"It's game over, all right. You're back. Um, I didn't have any of this, and I had a silver dollar back here. How did it grow back? That's a great mystery, I tell you what."
"Obama: I forgot to water my baguettes. Hydrate us, Ryan."
"I said, 'General, there's no way I can make it down that ramp without falling on my ass, General.' I have no really. It's true."
"My son put some Trix in his ant farm instead of eating them. The ants dug up all of the dead ants in the farm and piled them on top of the Trix. Not sure what that means, but I'm not eating Trix anymore."
"The hardest part about falling in love with my local 7-Eleven cashier is knowing she'll never go out with me as she scans my Double Gulp cup full of nacho cheese. #Heartbroken"
"My daughter put her credit card in my wallet today so I could buy lunch on her today."
"I was Mr. condom man but when that [ __ ] record came out it was tough to put on that many condoms." - DJ Quik
"The best Christmas present that I ever got was actually a present that I basically stole from her."
"I met David Blaine in a bar in LA, and it was sick."
"Last night, I was very busy. Whoa, I don't know how I made it in this morning."
"My very first job was at a local ice cream and water ice store."
"But she's... What's remarkable about my mom is that she has never asked me not to do something."
"That was my plan, you see. It was a mystery because what I saw that day was not like what I later saw in Discovery Finding Bigfoot, the internet, or any of those sources of information."
"Take your time, don't rush it. It was a famous advice a normal man from the Blaskets told me, take it easy, and that was his life."
"Individualized care for example just to give one example my blood pressure strangely went up in 2020."
"I'm glad everyone's okay. A Walmart catching fire is pretty scary. This is little Tangie's little juice, oh my goodness, this is so..."
"I feel like in Athens a big and a house like when I was younger I used to make some house to use that the biggest I can't make it."
"I had a really hot shower yesterday, that's my confession guys."
"Chris Larkin I actually have his album really I have his album and can we play a little bit can I get a copy what's happening I'm gonna play a little bit through the mic."
"I swear that I seen the chandelier like hanging from the side."
"My dad used to write me notes in my lunch: 'We wrote all A's or you're all gone.' He was hilarious."
"He backed me to his own team and said shut up and let him just do his video. I don't want him to always talk about the fragrance." - Ronaldo had my back.
"Ronaldo is a real one. Shout out to him because he, like, oh mate, I was so stressed at the time." - Ronaldo is a real one.
"Wood floor warping in 50-60 years, just like my house."
"I had a drawstring bag, it was a lot of Axe Kilo, like an unhealthy amount."
"Corollas are tanks. When I was a small boy in Bulgaria..."
"I still can't believe I ended up with 15 ingots and eight nuggets, but there's nothing I can do about that right now."
"It was called the ivy school of business with an e i v e and she spelled the whole essay with ivy still got in though because her grades were like out just absolutely insane she was like one of the smartest people."
"I remember that exact day because we got to the last coaster and I was like Charlie come on, we can go on."
"I can't believe I got a secret pet. I used to never be able to get a secret pet."
"My mother is a beautiful soul and spoilt especially me a lot."
"One of my favorite things that I've ever thrifted is actually this stool it was five dollars..."
"We have gone up to the firing range several times, aimed down sights, and we have always said, always, just 1% of the time."
"When he lifted his leg three times, it's always Karen."
"You're telling me you had sex four times a night, so you were married four times a night every night?"
"His glorious nose... was the result of two high school-related injuries."
"The mayonnaise is still in his hair, it's not coming out."
"My dad's a... he's an ex-commando. He killed... I mean, looking on the outside they think, 'Oh, let's just grab a strap, we'll go and rob this guy.'"
"You're the only woman who ever found my stalking romantic instead of criminal."
"Adam came here, ran fourth last year, and I always said he had more talent in his little fingers than I've got in my whole body."
"The crazy thing people don't know is I didn't graduate high school so when you look at a class of 1997 at Milpitas High that beautiful photo with everybody there I wasn't there because I was told that there's no way."
"I need this to work please, let's put peanut butter up, I liked my crust, I ate my crust on my sandwich but there were lots of kids in my class who did not like crust on their sandwich."
"I had to audition for a car commercial once that I did not get and uh... it was so... it seemed so stupid to me."
"If you told me a couple of years ago, I was gonna make 700 quid in a day from YouTube ads, I would literally have had a stroke, and I would've thought no, go home."
"Guy drove off not long after that and I naively thought that I had the problem dealt with."
"You know what I mean like I'm drinking water and I can't even drink it fast enough. I would dip my paintbrush in the can and when I pulled it out it would be dry before I touched the wall."
"It had the black ladder on the back and the two black rooftops on top. The two bars. And we made the comment that it would be the perfect little camper van to go around in." - Shannon Baker
"You deserve a partner who will cherish and love you forever."
"I'm awake now because I've been chugging a couple of these, and caffeine is a wonderful terrible thing."
"I was making stripper money I mean no straight up I was bringing home like five hundred a night"
"When six crazy things happen, at that point, I'm like, 'I think we've won the lottery.'"
"Scientology's rules are not even internally coherent internally consistent what is a lot an internally coherent logic anyway sorry guys I grew up in a cult."
"It was torrential rain and of course I managed to get stuck in it for like the two minutes that it was pouring down."
"I've been cleaning out the barn, just a reminder of what a crazy life I have."
"I'm not going to do it Sally I'm going to do your heart right now but I'm only going to show you things that I bought that were half price or money off or a real bargain."
"What the [ __ ] is that? It looks like something I put out in my garden."
"My cat's ashes got stolen at the airport, how's your day going?"
"Imagine moving into your new apartment sight unseen and discovering that you've rented more than you bargained for."
"You could also argue that would have been your fault driving a Ford, Ethan don't want to admit it but a Ford saved his life one night on the road."
"I get up every morning and have tea with milk on an octagonal tray I bought it at the thrift store many years ago and like that has to happen fairly early."
"I came to my first audition wearing those because I'd actually been Luna for the previous Halloween so I had all my gear ready to go."
"Brother dodged the bullet on that one. Could have been a hell of a lot worse."
"Let's hope the fishing and the rest of the day is better than getting up an hour before my alarm in the dark."
"Sibling rivalry... honestly that makes so much sense. I have a little sister, her name is Stevie and she's just so annoying."
"Nothing else weird ever happened in that house. Nothing else weird ever happened to me either."
"Closed the window once to shut out the noise and Bran seemed to weaken. When they opened it again, his heart beat stronger."
"I made the decision not to fire them up... because I was too close... I literally could reach down... and go excuse me you guys I'm now going to shoot you."
"I've got a Michelin Pilot off of an e 92 m3 I used to own forgot that I even still had this this is one of the bent Corvette wheels."
"Do I look like a thief Yeah, I’m banned from Walmart, over a bag of Reese's."
"Associate produced that's the first film I ever worked on." - Uncle Ralph
"We the driver that was driving that tap tap, that was not his usual truck, yes."
"Oh my god okay all right so that was that was Chris's house."
"I researched this with Miss Manners to argue with my mother when I was a teen about why I didn't have to send thank you notes."
"He was such a pain in the ass, I saved about 300 grand."
"I burnt my finger, Mia, and oh no, why worked out is don't curl it from the roots, curl it from halfway down."
"Be socially confident, raid people on stream, and meet as many people as you can."
"That's the reason he told me they called him that, apparently he's built really well."
"But that's what she got me for Christmas. And she said it was the best... She was like, 'I'm gonna give you the best gift that you've ever gotten.' And it was very, very much so the best gift I've ever gotten."
"Having a design goal doesn't guarantee success, but not having one almost guarantees failure."
"I think he gets donkey of the day and the reason I'm going to say that is number one when you're sitting on a plane and somebody's right next to you I never had my phone with somebody could be my text messages especially if I'm talking about you."
"This actually looks like the real deal yeah like this looks like the old type is finished after I see Altoid my mom won't actually make the brick wall and bring it to party I was like every single event ever hello."
"I was at the yoga studio one day, and someone was teaching a class, and there was someone in the class who I had my eye on."
"Gone are the days of home labs like me wasting my time walking all the way around the basement just to restart a locked-up PC."
"I remember Scarface called me, he was in New York, he was like, 'I got the coldest [__] producer.'"
"All right, scarecrow only scared me that one time."
"The reality was every single morning I'd be bloated as fudge balls obviously I'm getting bloated just now I'd be so bloated after drinking all this I had a banana baby."
"Two meters at six six. Wow, or for some people, I say well I'm just about the same as uh Michael Jordan."
"The song's original title was bad idea and that's because that's what I had the girl that I liked saved under in my phone."
"I fell out of the sky like two days ago, right?"
"I got crow not which is sick but like um hey guess what me too."
"Friend's mom used to eat soy sauce with ice cream."