Josh And Hazel's Guide To Not Dating Quotes
"I think there’s something about the eight-year-old brain that just resonates with me on a spiritual level."
"Unfortunately, today is the last day of school, and as I take down the many, many inspirational pages, calendars, sticker charts, and art masterpieces from my classroom walls, I register that this is also the last day I’m going to see this particular third-grade classroom."
"Emily and I met about nine months ago in an online political forum, where it was clear we were both childless because of all the time we spent there ranting into the void."
"It’s him. Josh. Josh fucking Im. The blueprint for Perfect."
"But then his smile straightens as he seems to remember that I am ridiculous."
"Emily points to her own A’s and frowns at my perky C’s. 'You win.'"
"I look at him like I’m seeing a new person in front of me. The two syllables of his name are like a sensual exhale, something I might say immediately preorgasm when words fail me."
"I could never quite tell whether she was oblivious or just didn’t care what people thought, but no matter how chaotic she was, she always managed to give off an innocent, unintentionally wild vibe."
"‘She’s half ‘hot exasperating mess’ and half ‘color in a monotone landscape.’'"
"Hazel Bradford holding a yard sale of her ex-boyfriend’s clothes while he was still asleep at the party where she found him naked with someone else (incidentally, another guy from his terrible garage band)."
"I’m sure my sister doesn’t want that level of specificity, but she doesn’t need me to answer, apparently, because she rolls on. ‘And what do you do when you visit her?’"
"‘Best, best, best.’ ‘Best,’ I agree, thanking the waitress when she delivers my coffee. ‘By the way, Sassypants, I like your haircut.’"
"‘You’ is all she says. I growl. ‘No, you.’ She looks back at me with such adoration. ‘You, you, you.’"
"I love her because she’s basically family, but honestly I have no idea what she and Mom ever find to talk about."
"‘What about you?’ she asks. ‘Anyone . . . around?’ ‘What’s with the emphasis? You mean, around inside my pants?’"
"I stare at her for a few quiet seconds. Her shoulders are bare, and there’s a single freckle on her left one."
"‘Hazel, that is a terrible word.’ ‘What? We actually don’t have hair inside our vaginas.’"
"‘I always thought I caught you in . . . a phase.’ His left eyebrow makes a fancy arch. ‘Apparently you’re just like this.’"
"I’m so sorry," I say, smoothing my hair and twisting my skirt so it’s facing the right direction. "I’ve been so excited to meet you and of course that means that I do something like launch a fruit basket."
"Pretty funny? Or pretty, funny? Is that a half compliment, or two solid ones? Either way, my eyes widen and I grin. "Your mom is pretty comma smart."
"I may marry Josh myself if it means I can eat like this every day."
"I don’t know how you did it. Not only did you get my brother to a dive bar for a blind date, but you won a shitty cruise, and he had a good time. Clearly you’re the Prude Whisperer."
"So I get the couch potato inclination, but it also bums me out. Here’s the thing: Josh is hot, as we’ve established, and not only that but he’s incredibly tenderhearted, despite his sarcastic exterior."
"I’m sure Hazel felt the same way the minute you asked her about her fucking 401(k)."
"You’re looking at the guy whose girlfriend was banging someone else for over a year."
"I swear your dating experience is the oddest."
"It’s funny that I’m only now realizing why they never pushed for us to get married. It was awkward, a little, when Emily told us Dave proposed, and I wasn’t even with anyone."
"I can’t get enough. I feel like a worshipper wrapped around a golden god."
"In the morning, I’ll tell myself it’s okay that I scream into his ear when my orgasm hits me with the momentum of a train."
"I think we have a lot to talk about. Come over for dinner on Friday."
"Well, I guess I can understand why he’d want to go for something more original this time around."
"If this is where your head is, then I think it’s worth giving Tyler another chance."
"And even if it were true, it doesn’t have to be Tyler."
"This is the perfect light for photographs: muted but bright, with vibrant green all around us."
"It feels like there’s a pile of bricks on my chest."
"Those are boyfriend things. These are girlfriend feelings."
"I’m Josh’s girlfriend, whether he wants me or not."
"The quiet intimacy between Josh and me dissolves into a mist."
"I dance away the feeling that I’m trying to talk myself into being attracted to Tyler."
"I dance away the feeling that I’m in love with Josh, and am prolonging his rejection because I know it will slaughter me."
"It falls flatly, with a clang, like a penny into an empty bucket."
"I never expected to think this, but I miss having Winnie there."
"I’m in love with your brother, and I need you to tell me whether I’ve got a chance."
"It’s only been six months since we started hanging out, but already it feels like he’s this redwood in the forest of my life."
"I’m in love, and there is absolutely no going back."
"I’m already in love with this little monster, and I’m so scared, Josh."