Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide To Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy And Stupid Quotes
"I think I speak for all comedians out there when I say without Satan and his many evil minions, we wouldn’t have such a wealth of great targets to aim at."
"It’s done, Lu. Let’s go get us some squirrels."
"I am warning you—I am not here to make you feel all warm and fuzzy or superior to everyone else or all soft and gooey inside."
"Americans have been so isolated geographically, financially, and psychologically for so long that we don’t even see reality in the mirror anymore."
"If you are a man, you are going to be filled with a burning rage."
"I’m sick of low self-esteem and fake fat-suit-wearing female talk-show hosts and extreme makeovers."
"Misogynistic means you hate women—it doesn’t mean you hate women because you are trying to tell them what they do not want to hear."
"Straight men? If psychics are capable of seeing into the future—why the fuck can’t they give us the score to next year’s Super Bowl."
"Girls play mommy and boys pretend to kill each other. Girls like pretty clothes and boys like fire trucks."
"Welcome to America where I’M not fat, I’M not stupid, I’M not the problem—YOU are."
"Because there’s an instinct built into the female DNA—if a woman is still of natural child-bearing age—to protect herself and not risk the future of her children."
"It’s time to tear down the walls of the stupid and the inane and the politically correct and the righteous and the pretentious."
"They are living breathing Bermuda triangles."
"Kids are born as pure, untempered one-way evil beings."
"For every action there is an equal and opposite REaction—in this case? Whatever the fuck you just did wrong you sure as hell won’t do wrong again."
"It always cracks me up when you see the mom of some guy who’s been accused of some horrible crime on the TV news... his mom would always feel the opposite."
"Of course we want our kids to have a better life than we had but in this country things have gotten out of control."
"They grew up in a world where death, disease and destruction lay in wait around almost every single corner."
"It’s amazing what you can convince yourself you absolutely need to have in order to survive."
"Autism is up and who knows why—parents who wasted time, their brain cells and a lot of healthy DNA on way too many recreational drugs is this doctor’s guess."
"We were lucky to be alive and our parents reminded us of that almost every other day."
"Show us a photo of the world’s ugliest kid and say "hey, look—my baby looks just like an orangutan!" This would really lead to a round of applause."
"Every time I hear the word "no" I think "yes.""
"The harder you work, the luckier you get—that’s one of the things my dad taught me."
"You learn more with your mouth shut and your ears open than you do the other way around."
"Most people who are older than you are also a helluva lot smarter."
"No one owes you anything and being born into a free society means you get to say whatever the hell you want but it doesn’t mean anyone has to listen."
"From caveman times to calendar date 2009—someone has to feed them and someone has to go get the food to feed them with."
"You only get one chance to raise your children right and it’s been said a million zillion trillion times but they grow up in less than a heartbeat and all the damage is done."
"Kids have become a stepping-stone—especially daughters."
"The annals of kids unleashed into the monster Hollywood machine who came out clean and still working on the adult side has two names on its list: Jodie Foster and Ron Howard."
"Here’s the right answer when your child points at the TV and says 'I wanna do that!': NO."
"Your job is to drop your kid off into the belly of the beast every morning and then pick them up and take them home and fill ’em up with food and some advice before starting the whole process all over again the very next day."
"If I had taken my parents to court and asked for a legal separation from them and won? I’d have had to ask the judge to put me and my money in jail for as long as my parents remained alive because my father would have kicked my ass up and down the streets of Main South Worcester, Mass., shouting 'I’ll emancipate your skinny minor ass right now!'"
"Oprah is where Oprah belongs—right there on the hot plasma rectangle that illuminates our bedrooms and kitchens."
"Which is why instead of asking Oprah to become the president I am demanding an amendment to the Constitution—the Oprah Amendment."
"No man can lie to Oprah and a roomful of Oprah women."
"She will roast you and toast you like a fine hamburger bun."
"Those gorgeous eyes, those luscious locks cascading down those round, chocolate cheeks—no man can look at her and get away without telling the truth."
"I suggest we make every sitting president visit the Oprah set once every three months."
"I don’t care Who You Are, Who You Might Think You Are or how many big, burly guys are calling you God’s Gift To Mankind."
"Once the smoke begins to clear? Strap yourself in, stud."
"And then it would happen. He’d realize that women—especially Oprah’s women—would trade all those expensive trophies in for twenty pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes."
"He would wilt into a frenzied flopsweat of Dismisremembering and Reunforgetting."
"We don’t sit around talking about you. We don’t sit around talking about food."
"Here’s what I have to say about change—we don’t do it. We are as God made us."
"The Feminist Movement raised the expectations of almost every chick in this country forty-some-odd years ago."
"If kids are suddenly and ever-so-briefly back in style—then so are they."
"The girl in your life will always be better than a life without your girl."
"Paul McCartney—worth about five hundred zillion dollars."
"You have to understand the word 'smitten.' If a guy becomes smitten by you and your body—it’s over for him."
"A man’s interest in children and work is contained in the giant section labeled 'Sex.'"
"We’d learn to listen and stay in the other room and watch TV—let the girls do the shopping and make all the key decisions."
"It’s like you’re simultaneously watching a fashion show AND you get to be backstage at the exact same time."
"Once they had chosen the No Sex But Plenty Of Elaborate Outfits route, was it any wonder that men with a penchant for other men and free-flowing robes would sign up?"
"The Catholic Church avoided cooperating in sex abuse investigations all over the earth until they absolutely had to start coughing up the cabbage."
"Two billion dollars in we’re-so-sorry payments later on doesn’t mean dick to the ex-altar boys."
"It’s time to take the pontiff and his pontificates to task."
"THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP FALSE GODS BEFORE ME—I should really re-title this one. By false Gods I mean Michael Jackson."
"CHARLTON HESTON WAS ALRIGHT BY ME—this one has nothing to do with the pedophile priest thing, I just wanted to make it official."
"SAD is not a disease. It’s called WINTER, asshole."
"The car companies are developing corn-fueled cars AND larger seats for fatter-assed Americans at exactly the same time."
"I’m tired of the denial. I’m tired of the fat the loud the lazy and the stupid."
"Millions of Americans are so desperate to be drugged they sign up to be saddled with addictions—that’s how lazy they are."
"Restless leg syndrome—this is a new disease where you find that your foot or leg—even both legs—will not stop bouncing up and down."
"Any possibility the Indians are putting some of their newfound casino wealth into prescription drug research?"
"Botox it up, baby. Shoot your whole goddam body full of that freeze-dried frozen goat sperm."
"I want all Americans on steroids—starting now. The athletes the assholes the fat fucks—everyone."
"I want Ritalin-rattled geeks galore stuck in video game centers all over the country so addled for action that they can’t stop inventing new ways to blow shit up."
"I want a new state added to America—The State Of Denial."
"If you have to hold a press conference to announce you don’t like having sex with other men? It’s too little too late."
"If models and actresses insist on continuing not to eat—I’m taking the Twinkies away from the Fat Fucks."
"The biggest bombs, morons, racists, drunks, hypocrites, fools and assholes."
"We gotta kill everyone else on this planet and we gotta do it right fucking now."