Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea Quotes
"You either grab life by the balls or you can ride in the back of one of Dad’s cars for the rest of your life."
I am the father," he said, heading over in our direction while I buried my face in my mother’s ass. "You are nine years old and you are going to have to do what I tell you for the next nine years, whether you like it or not.
We are going to need to sell one of the houses," I told them. "In my estimation, we could get over a million dollars for this house.
"I knew then that it was time to start thinking about how they could help me make ends meet."
"I haven’t gotten another one since, but I’m not ruling anything out."
"I’ve always had a fear of police officers, especially when their sirens are blaring and they’re behind me."
"This is racial profiling, and I won’t be a party to it. Let me out!"
"This was turning into a full-blown episode of Survivor: Women of the Outback."
"I do not want a job making wood chimes or fixing cars, and I already graduated from high school…barely, but I did, so I don’t need a GED!"
"Are you there, vodka? It’s me, Chelsea."
"I was incensed and I also really wanted my mommy."
"A lingerie line, goddammit! A lingerie line!" he yelled.
"You know how you know you're really a hot mess? When you make friends with a group of people at a bar, and as you're walking away at the end of the night, you turn around to wave good-bye, and none of them are even looking in your direction."
"You’re not going to get in anywhere on a Saturday."
"Please go. I have a date with a very dynamic zookeeper that I do not want to be late for."
"You know, Orientals are cheap. They don’t want to spend a lot of money."
"If the only way for these people to like us is to buy their respect, then that is what I intend to do."
"It’s not like we are in some serious committed relationship. Yes, I liked him, but he was acting like I just told him I wanted to have his orange babies."
"After the waiter regained his footing and collected our burgers that had been strewn all over the hotel’s hallway like shrapnel from a pipe bomb, I ended up giving him a hundred pounds as compensation for scaring the living shit out of him."
"Well, I am not about to go make an appointment to get dumped."
"It's amazing what a couple of vitamins can do."
Oh, that’s lovely," she replied. "No, actually, it’s repulsive. They look like fucking aardvarks, and I really don’t appreciate it.
"I wanted to remind her that I wasn’t the prostitute in this situation; I was just a nice girl from New Jersey trying to get a back rub."
"I am the type of person that will remember this for the rest of my life."
"I have a ridiculous amount of energy and needed an outlet for it."
"I don’t care if it is a whore house, I’m sure they know how to give massages too."
"My instincts told me that it was a woman, but I couldn’t be sure."
"I didn’t want him to see me get emotional this early in our relationship."
"You don’t have a day like I was having and not get your car stolen."
"Not having it handy gave me the perfect excuse not to be caught Rollerblading in public."
"I felt like a really dedicated airport picker-upper."
"Once you catch a midget, they are much easier to hold on to."
"I’m here to pick up my friend from the airport and I think it’s ridiculous that we are not allowed to stop for one second to let her get in the car."
"My life would never be the same. I needed to help Kimmy and nothing was going to stop me."
I don’t think so, buddy," I said, putting my car in park and stepping out. "You wanna piece of me?
"I am not equipped to perform in that capacity anymore."
I’m smoking the reefers. Well, that’s a relief," he said. "Maybe they can help you relax a little. You’re very uptight.