Best Political Humor Quotes

"Republicans are like Democrats going the speed limit."

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government, and I'm here to help.'"

"We did a joke about how Trump had claimed to have done more for Christianity than Jesus himself."

"Democracy is the theory that the average voter knows what he wants and deserves to get it good and hard."

"People on the left are capable of putting their pants on without a [ __ ] guide."

"The most terrifying nine words is when you hear people saying I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"AND OUR GREAT FIRST LADY TESTED POSITIVE. THAT’S -- WELL, AT LEAST THOSE RUMORS THAT WE DON’T LIVE TOGETHER TURNED OUT TO BE FALSE."

"Biden is hilarious because his whole career is so funny."

"MAGA might as well stand for Make Attorneys Get Attorneys."

"Really grateful for the criticism and constructive feedback I get from constituents that demand I change my name."

"Well everybody knows that joe biden is is the healthiest president I've ever had exactly exactly very much that is a fiddle."

"The best way to know that you're an actual libertarian is another libertarian says you're not a real libertarian. That's right."

"If Andrew Cuomo pelts his lawyer with apricots, that's the best thing."

"What if pasta is already red, what if the rest of them become, you know, communists?"

"Bring your tumblers to collect leftist tears because there's a tidal wave over the weekend."

"Can you fathom a world where boomers circulate leftist comics in our favor?"

"The left does not operate on the same meme wavelength as the right."

"Congratulations on getting confirmed. Now, this will allow you to dismantle the post office."

"Smash the like button like it's Joe Biden telling you to eat your broccoli."

"Mike what did you think when you first saw Donald Trump's mugshot? I thought ma'am that is the most handsome president of the United States we've had in American history."

"Rudy Giuliani: presidential lawyer and shirt-tucking champion of the Western world."

"I don't do much political humor, 'cause the way I look at it is if you think either one of these jinky ass parties gives half a fuck about us, you've been misinformed."

"I'm afraid democracy is like the McRib. It's here now, it'll be around for a little bit longer so enjoy it while you can."

"Second term Trump will be pardoning himself mid-crime."

"Humor cuts through a lot of BS, especially in the world of leftist politics." - Michael Knowles

"Trump made a joke, and a third of the country either pretended they didn't get it or wanted to act like they don't know what a joke is."

"You're denying the right to vote for idiots but I'm in favor of that."

"The danger of accelerationism is that maybe we'll just end up with Dwight as the boss forever."

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often and for the same reason."

"I'm gonna build a wall against the snow and make the global warming pay for it."

"Guaranteed to be the biggest party since the one that definitely didn't happen in Downing Street last year."

"Learn from past mistakes and maybe even take a page out of Trump's book, which should be pretty easy cuz it's mostly just pictures."

"What's amazing about Donna and Adele is they embody what George Rescue is all about, which is making other people's lives better."

"Don't underestimate Joe's ability to f things up." - Barack Obama

"Conservatism is when something triggers the libs."

"Hey Donald Trump you can become president you just got to tell us everything you know about the Gettysburg good dress and uh the battle that took place there just walk us through every detail you got."

"And the money wasn't for the presidential administration of Russia or the Russian government. That 50 was going straight to the Vladimir Putin golden toilet fund."

"Boot gate and pudding fingers: How Ron DeSantis became 2024's presidential punchline."

"Republicans vote on Tuesday, Democrats vote on Wednesday. They do that every single year everywhere across the country. Nobody goes to jail. That's why they keep doing it."

"Donald Trump the D is missing because it's in every hater's mouth."

"Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."

"Russians aren't going to evade... oops did I say that out loud?"

"Everyone's geared up, ready to go, armored out. Your bodies are ready. Plot twist: America's governor. That would be a hell of a POTUS, man!"

"Mitch McConnell is going to be Senate majority leader...Satan on the ceiling."

"I wish I was funded by the Koch brothers, that would be nice. I wouldn't be wearing H&M underwear."

"My favorite part about the show is how they're all Libertarians but really that just means they read Ayn Rand."

"If there were one state that I would want to cut out, it wouldn't be Florida, but I understand the sentiment."

"I don't know who created Pokémon but I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokemon go to the polls." - Ted Cruz

"Screw Trump and Hillary, we need Ken Bone for president."

"I fully endorse Cthulhu as the next president of the United States of America."

"Her ability to spin absurd lines about urine into digs at Donald were priceless."

"This result is dodgier than a nine dollar banknote," implying the legitimacy of elections in Belarus.

"Dictator Insurance... there needs to be a way to retire dictators."

"Biden commented on Trump's sneaker release: 'The closest he'll get to any Air Force Ones ever again.'"

"Keep the Emperor happy or he'll kill you, so win quickly."

"Biden Administration officials should stop chasing after their Chinese Communist counterparts like love-struck teenagers."

"I wouldn't elect anybody president who didn't have a sense of humor about themselves either."

"Hillary might be the first F president, sorry. I was gonna say female, but the email got deleted."

"One leader at this conference just joked in a speech that they might be responsible for a diaper shortage because all of the babies of people unable to get abortions after the Supreme Court ruled last June will soon be born."

"Everyone thinks that he's playing 3D chess, but more often than not he's just eating the pieces." - Anonymous Trump aide

"The eight most terrifying words in the English language are 'I'm Jared Kushner and I'm here to help.'"

"You focus on the love side of the equation, not the fear side."

"Wake up every day and thank the Lord you are not a Democrat."

"It's only fitting that if Republicans really want to honor Donald Trump, the most appropriate way to do that is to name a federal prison he might be visiting soon after Donald J. Trump."

"It's weird to have a party that heard someone say National Socialist German Workers' Party and take the Socialist part seriously."

"Trump got that badonkadonk, that's why support is rising in the black community. Maybe connecting the dots."

"The sentiment that we should ban Ted Cruz from saying the word 'hard.'"

"Welcome to the Democratic People's Republic of China party."

"It's like when he said we need to know the oranges, the citrus fruit, the oranges of the investigation."

"That's my solution to the Scottish independence issue. Let's just cut it in half, east Scotland can go independent, west Scotland can stay a part of the UK."

"Let me just say I'mma stick beside her it's funny or Bust at this point if we want to take Trump's ass down."

"The left can't meme since comedy is racist to them."

"Yeah do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan."

"Is Trump actually moderate? Well, if Donald Trump is a moderate, then I am Margot Robbie."

"Trump saw his shadow in Florida which means six more years as president."

"Chuck Schumer denied Trump's election and Hillary learned how to breathe through her eyes." - Tara

"After a long day of getting yelled at by Sarah Huckabee Sanders, every White House correspondent knows that wine just isn't strong enough."

"Satire isn't dead for conservatives, they can't realize when something is straight up satirizing them."

"What happened with this 'Let's Go Brandon' schtick is that I had hundreds, literally hundreds of commenters."

"Most popular president ever? 81 million votes. Corn Pop's friend underwent a colonoscopy this morning."

"We've got to say goodbye to Facebook and YouTube... you're gonna need that leftist tears tumblr."

"The right is getting better at comedy and the left is getting nervous."

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what's for dinner."

"Comedy goes where the funny is, and there is funny on the left now as well as the right."

"Leftists cannot stand to be made fun of; it makes them furious."

"Wouldn't it be funny if God did that? And that is when the Rapture comes if he gets reelected, that would be really wild, wouldn't it?"

"This is the sad story that a former Russian spy was poisoned and died in London this week. The former KGB spy said, 'I ate in a restaurant last night in London and something disagreed with me.' The Russian government."

"Canada just elected a canoeist as prime minister."

"You can be Democrat, Republican, everybody can rally together and just meme on Biden."

"'At least Theresa May went, I mean she had to go, didn't she? Towards the end, she had all the authority of the do not tumble dry label.'"

"Long term there's only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican and that is the Democrats."

"This laughter is worth it. I'm waiting for the day that Boris will stand up in front of an audience and people will just start roaring with laughter at him."

"Late one evening in Tehran, Churchill told Stalin, 'I believe that God is on our side,' to which Stalin grinned and replied, 'And the devil is on my side because, of course, everyone knows the devil is a communist and God no doubt is a good conservative.'"

"Communists' Lex Bots are temporary, but democracy is non-negotiable."

"Politics is funny if you watch enough of it."

"We need a president who can spin dash."

"I'm neither Democrat nor Republican, I'm the taco party."

"We got 99 problems but the governor's all of them."