"Just imagine that the bus is legally obligated to drive all the way to New York at thirty miles per hour. That way it’s a lot less frustrating."
"I would argue that dyeing your hair an unflattering shade of red is actually a really productive and healthy way to get through a break-up. Maybe even a rite of passage."
"Look, I know it’s lunchtime, but if you can choke down a hard-boiled egg while sitting across from a Megabus bathroom then you deserve some kind of medal."
"Not every son is driving up the eastern seaboard to see their mamas once a month."
"I’ve never worn a tux before but I don’t think I’d pull it off like that."
"But as you grow up, you kind of become your own ace, you know?"
"I’ve always been a hustler. I’ve always been able to be conservative in the lean times and make it through to the other side."
"I mean, I wouldn’t say that you’re definitely _un_fashionable."
"So, you’re obviously not short. But you’re not not fashionable."
"I’ll just shut up now. Sorry. Where’s the peanut brittle when you need it?"
"I think what you were saying was a compliment? I’ll just take it as a compliment."
"One of the many. She’s a very instructive friend."
"Short and fashionable men. That’s a type all right."
"Finding a place to live in NYC can be soul-killing. Terrifying. You name it."
"But I have to talk to my work and secure the dates first."
"I wish my apartment were big enough to help her out but I’m in a studio. It would just be awkward."
"So, you’re allergic to the women your mother picks out for you."
"I try very hard not to spend a lot of time thinking of killer clowns. I live alone, remember? My brain is a clown-free zone for my own mental health."
"I mean, when you do those things it creates this . . . atmosphere, right?"
"Sam, you’ve saved like a hundred lives today, and flexed your muscles a ton. On a bus. Oh, shit! You’re basically Keanu!"
"You’re the only other person in the car. How am I supposed to forget you’re—Oh, don’t take pictures while I’m talking. Those are sure to be attractive."
"It’s not about taking attractive pictures. It’s about taking natural pictures."
"I mean, there are always moral victories. You seem like the kind of guy who wins those."
"Thanks? I think that may have been the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"And you never really know what goes on in the interior of someone else’s relationship, but it never seemed to me that he was able to do that for her."
"I’ve accepted my situation. This just wasn’t the right opportunity for me. It wasn’t in the cards. Fate had its way."
"Well, someone sat on my sandwich earlier so I was pretty hungry."
"Didn't we already establish that insatiable curiosity is taken gravely seriously in this car?"
"I don’t think my dad has ever even seen my blog."
"My attendance was required. But once I was there, no one cared."
"Venting is necessary. Good for your blood pressure. Let it out."
"It’s when you have feelings but you don’t open the valve all the way, so it all just kind of pitifully squeaks out."
"I’ve always wanted to travel, my whole life."
"And maybe, maybe I can start to think about . . . getting lost a little bit?"
"Do you think the term ‘blind date’ is ableist?"
"Dogs are God’s gift to humans. We barely deserve them."
"Everyone in the world should learn English. Uh...All the other languages are, uh, pointless."
"Learning other languages is obviously super rad. And important."
"No one’s ever told me to take their thumb before. What a time we live in."
"It’s where one person scrolls through their camera roll at random and wherever their thumb lands, they have to show that picture to the other person."
"If you don’t want to show the picture, the only way you can get out of it is to drink."
"It was just a high-school crush, you know? Not a love story for the ages."
"I wouldn’t even call my parents to show up at the ER if I broke my arm."
"If you get dental surgery you need an In Case of Emergency."
"I feel very passionately about people I care about not ending up in Nova Scotia."
"You’re ridiculously easy to talk to. Social and interesting and charismatic...but you don’t have a proper In Case of Emergency."
"I call them Mom and Dad. And I’ve been living with them since I was eight. But the person I call Mom is actually my biological aunt."
"My biological mom died when I was really young."
"I guess, since I moved out, we all understand one another through the ways that we’re nothing alike."
"If you’ve got a man who will bike you around on his handlebars, you better lock it down."
"I just . . . ignored that part because I thought it was better to give you a little push."
"You’re only boring if you think you’re boring."
"Photos are meant to be developed or lost forever."
"Young people. I hate to break it to you, but literally nothing is complicated for young people. You just think it is."
"It’s the most exhilarating, most fulfilling, most . . . It’s who I am!"
"I didn’t change everything. It didn’t change the past. It didn’t take away any of my accomplishments."
"I’m telling you. She sleuthed the crap out of you."
"I want one of the cats. The one with the pink nose. I want her. I. Really. Want her."
"Because each one is a lie or evasion, and that's not really my style."
"With Pops in the care facility, I’m alone almost all the time."
"The name of the game is now chatting with a cute guy in the middle of the night without being the one to accidentally end the conversation first."
"If I think someone is cute, I don’t blush or bite my lip. I roll my eyes and mildly insult him."
"He’s obviously joking as much as I am, but even so, his words have me pressing a smile into my kneecaps."
"This is the kind of smile that gets its way."
"I can’t help myself from saying one last thing. 'Good night.'"