Brain Droppings Quotes
"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."
"I don't belong; it doesn't include me, and it never has."
"I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
"I am a joyful individual with a song, happy marriage and a close and loving family."
"I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem."
"Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope."
"The real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right."
"I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they 'ought to be.'"
"If more people in New York had cars, the subways would be a lot safer."
"The solar system wasn't formed because matter was laid-back; life didn't arise from the oceans and humans descend from the trees because DNA was mellow."
"So you settle on that special black, limited-edition number that your brother brought back from the Middle East. The one shows Saddam Hussein peeking out of a garbage can, flashing a middle finger and saying, 'Ha ha, Mister Bush, you missed me. I'm here at home all the time.'"
"You know how sometimes, at a busy cocktail party, when you're telling a group of people a story, a few of them may become distracted, and you lose their attention?"
"Sometimes, a person some distance away from you will say something you can't quite understand, so you ask them to repeat it, and you still can't make it out."
"One recent morning there was something I couldn't remember. I sort of knew what it was related to, but I couldn't quite bring it to mind."
"Hi! How are ya? You got your stuff with you? I'll bet you do."
"A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it."
"Let's talk about other people's stuff. Have you ever noticed when you visit someone else's house, you never quite feel at home?"
"Think of how much information, in the form of radio energy, is flying through the air, all around us, all over the world, right now and all the time."
"The reason for most violence against gays is that heterosexual men are forced to prove that they, themselves, are not gay."
"Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction."
"I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore."
"Sometimes a fireman will go to great, strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement."
"Property is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it stays here."
"Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay."
"I finally accepted Jesus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from."
"There's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist."
"Lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time: She showed an asshole she meant business."
"America has no now. We're reluctant to acknowledge the present. It's too embarrassing."
"If there's to be a summit meeting, you'll be told all about the last six summits; if there's a big earthquake, they'll do a story about big earthquakes of the past."
"Life is not short, it's just that since everything else lasts so long—mountains, rivers, stars, planets—life seems short."
"Anyway, this new custom is quite different, and it might come as somethin' of a surprise to ya, so make sure you're sittin' down."
"You people standin' over near the cliff, you might wanna drift over this way a little."
"Remember a coupla years ago we had no corn, and we hadda eat the trees? And a lotta people died?"
"Folks, ya don't have to look very far for a tragic example of abusin' the dream plant, do ya?"
"We're gonna start havin' a human sacrifice every week, probably on Saturday night."
"So startin' next Saturday night, about the time we run outta berry juice, we're gonna pick one person, probably a young virgin, and we'll throw her in the volcano."
"The volcano is hot. What's that, Dwayne? No. No way."
"It's like that custom we started last year of cuttin' off a guy's head to keep him from stealin'. At first it seemed severe, am I right? But ya gotta admit, it seems to work."
"Did y'ever get a real good, close look at the high priests? OK. Once again, I rest my case."
"We don't have that many virgins to begin with, do we? Ha-ha-ha-ha!! No offense, girls! Really! No, hey, you're very lovely."
"Walk home slowly. And walk safely. In case you didn't notice, the sun went down, and it's completely fuckin' dark."
"Fat people are not gravitationally disadvantaged. They're fat."
"And as far as I'm concerned, the show must go on."
"If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?"
"When primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice?"
"The Chinese have a saying: On a journey of a thousand miles, is a little more than half."
"Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get fucked."
"When you pick something up with your toes and transfer it to your hand, don't you feel, just briefly, like a superior creature?"
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view."
"I think they should lower the drinking age. I just want to see a sign in a bar that says, You Must Be 11 and Prove It."
"I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school."
"I'm sixty, and I don't need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles."
"If you want to know how fucked up the people in this country are, just look at television. Not the programs, not the news. The commercials."
"Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules."
"Most people take life much too seriously and worry about all the wrong things."
"Ranchers raise pathetic, worthless cattle and sheep, animals who cannot live off the land without human supervision."
"Americans are still a prudish lot. So now we've decided to use the word gender when referring to a person's sex."