Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It Quotes
"Empathy is paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world."
"When we closely observe a person’s face, gestures, and tone of voice, our brain begins to align with theirs in a process called neural resonance."
"Emotions are one of the main things that derail communication. Once people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out the window."
"In a negotiation, that’s called labeling. Labeling is a way of validating someone’s emotion by acknowledging it."
"The trick to spotting feelings is to pay close attention to changes people undergo when they respond to external events."
"The more you know about someone, the more power you have."
"Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery."
"A smile on your face, and in your voice, will increase your own mental agility."
"Empathy helps us learn the position the enemy is in, why their actions make sense (to them), and what might move them."
"Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection."
"The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen."
"Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy, in the same way a spoon is a great tool for stirring soup but it’s not a recipe."
"Imagine a grandfather who’s grumbly at a family holiday dinner: the presenting behavior is that he’s cranky, but the underlying emotion is a sad sense of loneliness."
"As an emotion, anger is rarely productive—in you or the person you’re negotiating with."
"That’s not to say that negative feelings should be ignored. Instead, they should be teased out."
"Labeling negatives diffuses them; labeling positives reinforces them."
"The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it."
"Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment."
"The road is not always cleared so easily, so don’t be demoralized if this process seems to go slowly."
"By pushing for a 'No,' you nudge your counterpart into a zone where they feel safe and in control."
"The real problem with compromise is that it has come to be known as this great concept, in relationships and politics and everything else."
"Creative solutions are almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion, and conflict."
"Deadlines regularly make people say and do impulsive things that are against their best interests."
"Calibrated questions have the power to educate your counterpart on what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is."
"The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control."
"All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs."
"People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it's theirs."
"Emotion is a necessary element to decision making that we ignore at our own peril."
"We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face."
"When implementation happens by committee, the support of that committee is key."
"The larger concept I’m explaining here is that in any negotiation you have to analyze the entire negotiation space."
"You have to beware of 'behind the table' or 'Level II' players."
"It only takes one bit player to screw up a deal."
"A surprisingly high percentage of negotiations hinge on something outside dollars and cents."
"Your act of recognizing the incongruence and gently dealing with it through a label will make them feel respected."
"The Rule of Three is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation."
"People who are lying are, understandably, more worried about being believed, so they work harder—at being believable."
"The more in love they are with 'I,' 'me,' and 'my' the less important they are."
"Humanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself."
"The reality is that conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution."
"You have to open up your established pathways and embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening."
"Every case is new. We must let what we know—our known knowns—guide us but not blind us to what we do not know."
"Understanding the 'other' is a precondition to be able to speak persuasively and develop options that resonate for them."
"Negotiation is more like walking on a tightrope than competing against an opponent."
"The person best able to unearth, adapt to, and exploit the unknowns will come out on top."
"With their known knowns and prior expectations so firmly guiding their approach, Van Zandt, and really, the entire FBI, were blind to the clues and connections that showed there was something outside of the predictable at play."
"The greatest obstacle to accurately identifying someone else’s style is what I call the 'I am normal' paradox."
"The Black Swan rule is don't treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated."
"In a real bargaining session, kick-ass negotiators often lead with an extreme anchor."
"Once you’ve understood your counterpart’s worldview, you can build influence."
"Knowing your counterpart’s religion is more than just gaining normative leverage per se."
"The other guy’s 'religion' is what the market, the experts, God, or society—whatever matters to him—has determined to be fair and just."
"You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check."
"Use backup listeners whose only job is to listen between the lines."
"People trust those who are in their in-group."
"If you can trigger that instinct, you immediately gain influence."
"Every engineer, every executive, every child—all of us want to believe we are capable of the extraordinary."
"We’re all hungry for a map to joy, and when someone draws it for us, we naturally follow."
"People respond favorably to requests made in a reasonable tone of voice and followed with a 'because' reason."
"It’s not human nature to embrace the unknown."
"When confronted by it, we ignore it, we run away, or we label it in ways that allow us to dismiss it."
"In negotiations, that label most often takes the form of the statement, 'They’re crazy!'"
"The presence of hidden interests isn’t as rare as you might think."
"People in close relationships often avoid making their own interests known and instead compromise."
"Your hands sweat, your fight-or-flight kicks in, and your thoughts trip drunkenly over themselves."
"It’s not the guy across the table who scares us: it’s conflict itself."
"Pushing hard for what you believe is not selfish."
"Your amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fear, will try to convince you to give up."
"If you are an honest, decent person looking for a reasonable outcome, you can ignore the amygdala."
"The minute I established a kind of shared identity with this Christian, we were in."
"Every case is new, so remain flexible and adaptable."
"When our counterpart displays attitudes, beliefs, ideas—even modes of dress—that are similar to our own, we tend to like and trust them more."
"But the moment when we’re most ready to throw our hands up and declare 'They’re crazy!' is often the best moment for discovering Black Swans."
"People generally fear conflict, so they avoid useful arguments out of fear that the tone will escalate into personal attacks they cannot handle."
"More than a little research has shown that genuine, honest conflict between people over their goals actually helps energize the problem-solving process in a collaborative way."