Best Joke Quotes | Quotelers

"This is going to take a long time. Damn, I wish I made that joke. That's pretty funny."

"Tell me a joke: An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walked into a bar."

"The bartender turns to them, takes one look and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'"

"Why didn't the shark share its food? Because it was shellfish."

"It's something like 420 squared times 69 squared or something like that."

"What do you call a frog that's illegally parked? You guys, this one is rich. Toad. Toad."

"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?'" - Kevin Smith

"Is this some kind of a sick joke on the American people?"

"Knock knock, who's there? Salad. Salad who? [Laughter]."

"Nobody can joke or meme anywhere because everybody turns it so serious."

"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef."

"What do you call a wingless fly? A walk."

"Mary Rose sat on a pin... Mary Rose."

"Shampoo is baby sham and human feces... sham and poo, easy."

"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? It didn't have any guts."

"What kind of platypus has blue blood? An aristocrat-topus."

"A guy goes to the doctor. He says, 'Doctor, I can't pee.' The doctor says, 'How old are you?' The guy says, 'I'm 90.' The doctor says, 'You peed enough.'"

"What's the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish."

"If you put your hand in your pocket and pulled out 75 cents, and you put your hand in your other pocket and pulled out 75 cents, what would you have? Somebody else's pants."

"What can you put in a bucket to make it lighter? A torch."

"You know why six is afraid of seven? Because seven, eight, nine!"

"How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket!"

"Why would a cow want to go to outer space? So it can see the Milky Way."

"What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!"

"Did you hear about the man whose wife told him to stop imitating a flamingo? He had to put his foot down."

"Did you know the earliest fart joke was started in 1900 BC? Now that's a long fart."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? They escape from Chick-fil-A."

"I guess it's our own personal demon dog," I replied jokingly.

"The physical act of joke changing, it's like you know sitting down, I like sitting down it's nice."

"It's a joke, my dude. It's a joke."

"I heard the joke and I think it wasn't exactly a good joke, but that still doesn't give her the right to scream at her father in his own house like that."

"What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? Sophisticated."

"They believe in ginger supremacy."

"What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe."

"So turn it on itself, like feet never tasted so... foot. Yeah."

"That's no joke, that's high praise from him."

"The running joke about these two soldiers... my favorite aspect of the film."

"Why is Santa so good at karate? He's got a black belt."

"So, that's my joke. Now here's the punch line."

"You know how to catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it."

"What do you get when you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? He keeps comaling and caling and caling."

"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!"

"How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? You open the refrigerator and then you put the giraffe inside."

"It's not nice to steal gold, Co. He didn't steal anything."

"If a joke would make a lie out of a character, we'd throw the joke out. That became very important."

"Why did the hipster burn their tongue? Because they ate their food before it was cool. Okay."

"Why is it port-sided, dude? Because that's what I am. I'm fart-sided. That's why I can't get it, dude."

"He tries to make a joke about it but it falls flatter than that one girl's body."

"He went all the way, he went all the way, the man went all the way to make the ranch joke."

"If your feet smell like farts, give me a break, like that's just such a joke!"

"That's a joke, please laugh, Peter."

"If a lizard loses his tail where does he go get get another one Retail Store."

"Let's put it this way: it's not as quiet as the silence after Tanner tells a joke."

"Your mom is so dumb she cut open a pineapple and said SpongeBob where are you."

"Have you smelled an awesome 24/7 365? Unless it's a leap year, then 366."

"If you laugh at that you're sincerely going to hell again, second punishment you have to go over to zed cast and subscribe there if you laughed at that, sorry you have to, that's wow, shame on you."

"What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi."

"Why waste money on lawn mowers when you can use vegans?"

"I'm a sucker for a good anal Plinko joke."

"Did you ever stop to figure out what makes the little ball bounce off the protector? What? My head!"

"It's like a big joke. Racism on the higher level is a joke."

"Here's the joke: I'm not dead, and Gotham is."

"If you have to explain the joke, it's not really all that funny, now is it?"

"Why did the tiger lose at poker? Because he was playing with a cheetah."

"Why was six afraid of seven? I don't know why because 7 8 9! Oh, I get it because eight, the number, sounds like 'ate' like after you eat. That is so funny!"

"I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants."

"The joke was just that he was on the stage and that's the farthest they got."

"Did you just fart and say safety?"

"It was a dumb joke and I feel stupid for listening to it but it made me laugh."

"If you have to explain a joke, you kill the joke."

"Why was Samantha Stevens a witch? Because both her husbands were dicks."

"What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!"

"What did the celloist say to his bully? I don't know what your mama."

"That's George Martin's dick joke."

"We're crushing thousands of Megalodon teeth right now, just kidding."

"Two jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says well all right I'll serve you but don't start anything."

"What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? The punch line: one forest, one. These jokes are really dry by the way."

"Why was Santa's Little Helper depressed? Cuz he had low elf-esteem."

"Why is it difficult to play cards in the jungle? Deforestation."

"What's yellow and dangerous? Shark-infested custard."

"You don't need that bit, they know. You just infer, you don't need to do the whole, in comedy, you don't need to spell out the joke."

"Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine."

"So I was working in a library, this bloke walks in and says, 'Have you got a bookmark?' I said, 'Yes, War and Peace, three out of ten.'"

"You could say that I have my hands full. This is hands down the stupidest joke in the video."

"Listen, I'm not kidding, there's lightning out here and I am not going to be taller than you. It's going to hit you first before it hits me."

"Kitty relax, it was just a joke, but I still can't reveal my secret yet. Okay, but don't prank me like that and we can become good friends."

"On paper, that's a really good joke."

"Why does Ariel wear seashells? Because she grew out of her B shells!"

"Can you tell me a joke to cheer me up? Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired."

"This is the best joke I've ever made."

"He goes, 'What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!'"

"Where do fish keep their money? Oh, I get it, a riverbank!"

"This joke is really subtle but we think that many adults understood what it was supposed to represent."

"What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh."

"It's just a brilliantly plotted multi-layered and unbelievably long-running joke."

"Why did the time traveler cross the road? To get to the other side of the space-time continuum."

"Hey, do you think you could tell me a joke, like something funny?"

"If it can be done in some sort of clever manner then that's awesome, but that is that's one in a million. Usually the joke is just like ha ha ha ha fart."

"Name something that gets pumped up: air mattress."

"I would love to steal somebody's joke about...well, there's no one to steal from."

"The joke was always on the way to the joke. It was never the joke."

"It finally all hit me, I was a freaking joke to these buttholes."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she goes over the first jump."

"Mental illness ain't no [__] joke, I'm a testament to that."

"What happened when the ear of corn entered a cooking competition?"

"That's the joke that keeps on giving, 'cause you guys might get in your car tonight, maybe a year from now, you're going to turn your windshield wipers on when it's not raining, and you're going to think of a dry vagina."

"You joke, but there is a thing called 'acquired savant syndrome,'"

"Got any grapes? No. Got any nails? No. Got your ass, dude. You walked right into that."

"What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke? One letter."

"Which side is the best side to sit on? The south side."

"Last week I made a joke about the 'hus,' that's because Francis brought up Rwanda."

"That was a good one, that's like dad joke level right there."

"Why do salmon swim upstream in the Autumn? They can afford bus tickets."

"The 'it's just a joke' is a bit of a cop-out."

"Let's crash on Jordan's Johnny joke of the week: The Pope is handing out miracles to kids."

"That's a joke for all the over 50s out there."

"What did the plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me."

"What's a pirate's favorite Toyota? The C-H-R. You know, 'Arrr'."

"Nim is like, you know, I mean, you know what I mean. He's a dad joke. Listen, there is no wrong answer."

"Here's your Filipino joke of the day: What do you call a fake noodle? An imp-pasta."

"You ever been in front of a long joke? Tell us like a hostage situation."

"We still know the true white chicken cross the roads."

"That's a classic one. A man comes into the butcher's and says, 'Hey, where's your assistant that you had here last week?'"

"What did the pencil say to the paper? You've got a good point."

"Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged."

"How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house."

"Bad taste joke doesn't exist in isolation from who's told it."

"I want to hear a knock knock joke, who's there cow cow who cow we're looking for naasa."

"Can people not have canned pineapple these days without making the joke?"

"After Pilates, you're definitely on the naughty list, just kidding."

"...then it's you know it doesn't even feel like it's me making the joke because it just kind of falls out of my mouth."

"What has 500 legs and a cherry? 250 strippers at a Tom Collins."

"Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get a booze, of course!"

"Why don't ghosts like rain? It dampens their spirits!"

"Why can't you trust stairs? Because they're always up to something."

"You look like you've been attacked by a raccoon."

"What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick."

"We joked about it for years afterward uh that's hilarious that's a good one that's a really good one see it's funny I don't know why but my mind didn't go to smoking like a cigarette it went to your Baby's on Fire smoking oh that's good."

"The joke was almost too good to be true, 'my father.'"

"Let me tell you a joke. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything."

"The profoundest joke she has ever heard."

"Tell me a joke," she'd say. "Okay, Maureen, here's one: A mommy tomato and a baby tomato are walking along a wall, and the baby tomato falls off. What's the mommy tomato say? 'Ketchup.'"

"Sending people to look for a tin of striped paint ... fairly common across a lot of people playing pranks."

"I'm just kidding okay y'all let me let y'all see my daddy."

"That's a good joke first thing in the morning."

"There's a really funny joke about a kid who brought a dumb present."

"I said it as a joke and then they let me into it."

"What did I just say? That's my hair dye joke."

"To me, I thought the joke was fine and an obvious joke because obviously lying is not an inherited trait."

"I missed the joke. It's a pretty good joke."

"the sign meant as a joke became a chilling confession revealing the darkness lurking beneath ordinary surfaces"

"Just kidding, say something sweet Aiden."

"What do you call a round-headed guy that looks beige? P.K. Nuts."

"It's like one of those special needs kids that they put in the game and he scores a three-pointer, you go crazy for that. Are you kidding me? Are you a monster? I'm just kidding."

"That smells good. What strain of crack is that? It's belly button strawberry."

"You still have to start from point A to point B. You can't start a joke and be like, 'Oh, but you know...'"

"It's a joke, guys. Yeah, it's a joke."

"My friend who's a bass player's mom called him a beepist, a beepist."

"Honestly, Ron, how can somebody be in two places at once? Inside joke."

"We were kidding about the cigarettes."

"I knew I'd write a joke I just wasn't good yet."

"I flew to get here. I don't know if anybody's been an airplane joke before."

"So, Jim gets the rabies shot and was fine, but whenever there was someone he didn’t like at work, he would sometimes joke that he was gonna bite them."

"What do you call a belt made of clocks? A waist of time."

"It's a butthole, that's the big opening. Good joke!"

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's really heavy, and the other one's a little lighter."

"One day, a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window and said, 'It's going to rain.' His wife said, 'How do you know?' He said, 'Because Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer.'"

"That's just about the gutsiest joke i think you could make in the universe."

"There were two goldfish and they were in a tank."

"What's the joke of the day? Why should you never fight a dinosaur? Because you'll get Jurassic hate that I'm about to say this. That was a good one."

"The tampon joke, there were three tampons walking down a road and someone just walks past him goes 'Hi guys,' and the tampons look at the man, give him a dirty look, look up and down, and then just continue walking on."

"It's a joke, stop, will you calm yourself down?"

"He said, 'I make too many jokes about myself to have a gun.'"

"A successful joke gives rise to the pure rising tension and sudden release, which narratologists have long discerned as the heart of plot."

"It's just a joke. Like, uh, Cilia sodas or Biggus Dickus. He has a wife, you know. Oh, no. Oh, no. You know what she's called? She's called, uh, 'Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.'"

"How does a guy from Boston ask his minister to pass the spaghetti during dinner? Oh, Pasta Pasta Pasta!"

"I don't think it was a joke. I think it was legit."

"I always joke about how Thailand is like the best place for people that are vegetarians."

"It was massive. That's what she said."

"Yo, match, what do bees make? Honey. Yes, honey. Sub nurse, what do bees make? Some loud and annoying sound. What the duck do you want?"

"In the spirit of bear hunting, we are hit with this joke. What kind of bear has no teeth? I don't know, Josh, a gummy bear. It was right there, I love it."

"It's just a joke, honestly, it's just a joke."

"Diesel 10 was joking but Thomas wasn't sure."

"Andy's got a dick on his face... Oh, that's right, yeah, he drew a dick on his face."

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre."

"What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"I always want to know why the chicken crossed the road but now I want to know why did the rooster cross the road."

"I mean, come on, let's get real. I'm not kidding around. No joke, that's really should be our alternate title for this. No joke, it's no joke, not kidding around."

"Making a joke, okay, they really don't like that. After all, it's the current year, right? We can't allow such injustices as making a joke in a YouTube video or in a tweet in the current year."

"...A little boy walks into the showers, his mother's standing there. He points between her legs, she goes, 'What's that?' She goes, 'Well, last night, your father and I had an argument and he hit me with an axe.' And the little boy goes, 'Wow! He hit you right in the [__]!'"

"Do you like my coffin? Yeah, coffin in these nuts. Nolan, what's on your chest? I have a QR code with the next location."

"Smith joked I was really just trying not to upset him."

"Why didn't Noah ever go fishing? He already had fish in his fish. There was no fish in the ark, but we'll talk about that later."

"What kind of witch goes to the beach? A sandwich!"

"What did the Buffalo dad say to his kid when he went out to pasture? Bye son!"

"What do you call a cow that has just had a calf? Decaffeinated, that's right, Tony knows her animal jokes."

"Did you hear about the Italian chef? I heard he passed away. Get it? Pasta away."

"The fact that they got Michael B. Jordan, like, that's just one of those jokes that somebody must have came up with in the writer's room, and everyone's like, if we can pull that off, that's going to be [ __ ] awesome."

"Yes, and then Michael B. Jordan walked away and be like, 'Hey, you came back from being down 3-1, you got this [ __ ]!' That's a good one."

"Bill Delta, one of my favorite jokes, just whatever the company's name is, it being the last name."