"The police turned to Griffin, this perfectly normal ten-year-old kid, and said, 'How did you do this?' and he said 'Mario Kart' was the answer."
Gabe Zimmerman
"A good sense of humor and not worrying too much in their lives, on average, are traits common among centenarians."
"Role-playing isn't just fun; it makes you a better person, gives you empathy, cures baldness, it leads to democracy."
"Am I high? Because it must be the weed. It must be."
"You pretty much can't get 86% of Americans to agree that Monday follows Sunday."
"I managed to win a contest of my own creation. Now if that isn't a British thing to do, I don't know what is."
"Being so attractive and kind and clever, you'd be willing to cover up a little murder I've committed, no questions asked, right?"
"My father, who was married for 68 years, told me the secret to a successful marriage... 'You just have to understand the math of marriage... women are correct on average 90% of the time, and men are correct not so much.'"
"A man that always agrees with his wife gets 90% correct, and 90% is an A, so you just learn the two magic words: 'yes dear,' and you'll be successful."
"Even in saying that, once you start seeing the world through this lens, you're gonna see an entire society of people doing this, and it's one of the funniest things in the world."
"Kant was an intellectual badass. If brains had balls, Kant's would have been made out of steel."
"The whole purpose of food is to get olive oil into your mouth."
"I've met a lot of gooses in my day, and you're by far the silliest."
"The delightful laughter at the end of your sentence probably tells you the answer that you know."
"I just try and laugh at myself as many times a day as possible but then I lean back into effort as hard as I absolutely can."
"I'm not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious."
"The number one sign of humility is being able to laugh at yourself."
"The best way to handle criticism is to agree and amplify."
"The Moon would be a cool place to do stand-up."
"Humor, wit, and charm... cut through an awful lot of the biases."
"Business calls, and I'm the Batman of business."
"During the red carpet, people were asking the right questions: 'Who's your favorite guy? Homer Simpson.'"
"I'm very glad we've moved away as a society from Chuck Norris jokes."
"Watching a man prepare dinner is like porn for women."
"Two body one crit; 60% of the time, it works every time."
"Slap that like button like your mama told you right."
"Comedy is just easier when you don't rule out making fun of everything."
"Strength is your ability to crush a tomato. Dexterity is your ability to dodge a tomato. Constitution is your ability to eat a rotten tomato and not get sick. Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad. Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad, which would just be salsa."
"I've been found, I'm okay, and I will be collecting the reward. Probably a million bucks. The reward for finding myself."
"I would have believed him too. Listen, I'm a bald white guy. I look like a villain from an Austin Powers movie. I 100% get it."
"I don't accept any kind of degrading humor; it's actually one of my least favorite things."
"My Epitaph is going to be: 'It was a lot more work than I'd anticipated.'"
"Humor is an essential salve and balm in my relationship."
"If a couple comes to you for therapy and there is absolutely zero humor left, it is diagnostic."
"Can we admit the cat is the real star of the show?"
"Grab your popcorn and your thought juice and get comfortable."
"Never play me in basketball, or you'll be coming to school the next day with crutches, simple as that."
"Payday 2 was joked and memed to death about being a dead game, but with Payday 3, it isn't actually a joke anymore."
"Humor is how I get through life. It's how I've gotten through anything difficult in my life."
"You are a spreader of joy...you make people laugh, you spread joy, you spread ideas, you uplift people."
"I think there's enough space for one attention ho in this relationship, and it's going to be me."
"I want to destigmatize women having seven cats. Why can't I be a sexy cat lady?"
"When I picked up this book, I expected it to be stupid and kind of camp."
"Someone I have loved for so long, fellow mukbang queen and the funniest person on the internet, Miss Chelsea Lee."
"Everyone knows a Tammy. If you don't know a Tammy, then you are the Tammy."
"D&D is just the best game for memes. Every session, just tons of memes generated."
"Humor and kindness are weapons on dates; they need to be wielded with skill."
"If you can dish it, you got to be able to take it."
"Humor is the most important thing that makes the world go around."
"His response is a big barrel of butt cheeks."
"Humor is an alchemist, transforming that call it into something less gravity with more levity that helps us."
"I now feel like I'm bringing the '90s back, honey."
"Little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
"Good afternoon, esteemed faculty, distinguished guests, relieved parents, bored siblings, confused pets, and of course, the 2023 graduating class of MIT."
"And what is the foot if not the hand of the leg?"
"I want him to get a Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen type hat because he was number one."
"Football is a kaleidoscope of banter and just funny outtakes."
"I'll just sit on you, bro. He's going, 'Just sit on you.' Oh my days, is that you playing football?"
"If you come up to me on the street, I will roll a D20 because I will probably have one on my person. If you get a 20, you get to kiss him."
"Our hippo is kind of a special hippo, really good at kissing, so smooching, absolutely."
"You are not much of a foe anymore, you smelly knight."
"If you're not ready to argue uselessly for hours over things that don't even matter, then you're not ready to be a programmer."
"Just because your refrigerator has a vegetable drawer doesn't mean you have to put vegetables in that drawer."
"Boss: 'Okay guys, how do we keep this new Toy Story relatable for all the adults who watched the originals growing up?' Writer: 'I've got it. Why am I alive?'"
"There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies just to let a person sleep in peace."
"The most unrealistic thing I've ever seen in a movie is when an entire family sits down to eat breakfast together on a weekday."
"LAURA: One of them that I have right now is Just A Sneaky Lil Mushroom."
"Humor writing is all about the timing, the pacing, and the music of the words."
"He loved people, he loved being around them and making them giggle."
"I actually do think that it's important to remind yourself sometimes that the vast majority of people that watch the sport and pay attention to the coverage just like football, and they're us. We're idiots."
"Let me make this easier: Can someone go through and tally up every single appreciation day ever? Right, so we know who's been the most oppressed."
"Holy fuck, no way Belgium's a real place. I don't believe that. Thanks for tuning all the way from Belgium, appreciate you, man."
"This is America. We earned that right. You're right. I don't know why we had to call it New York. We could have just called it something new. But no, we had to be lazy. Gosh-darn America. Come on, you're better than that."
"Oh my God, that just increased the property value tenfold. You can see Donger Tower perfectly from here."
"The fastest way to become a millionaire in the stock market is by starting off a billionaire."
"Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes."
"To really love ourselves, to truly awaken into self-love, we can't take ourselves seriously all the time. In fact, I dare say we shouldn't take ourselves seriously at all."
"Vlad the Impaler couldn't be chill; you don't impale from chillness."
"You can name a bat Charlie. Charlie seems like a good name for a bat."
"If we didn't find humor in the situation, we would drive ourselves insane."
"I can always find things I need at Target; it's like literally the current meme come to life."
"I want my slippers. I'm not walking on these floors. They're drug-infested."
"Literally laughed myself into Enlightenment."
"Embrace your embarrassing moments; they make the best stories."
"Laughter is the universal language of resilience."
"When you play around with your dog with your microphone at home, but then you're soon going to regret it when you're reporting the news on TV because he thinks the mic is a toy."
"I've created him, the most handsome being in the universe. I'm of course talking about Handsome Squidward."
"eBay authenticity guarantee right there, meet your soul mates, that's a good one."
"Look, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's naming animals."
"Sometimes, just turn your brain off and just laugh. It's fun to laugh sometimes."
"Punching up is preferable to punching down because you're not capitalizing on the misery or misfortune of a person for humor, but rather mocking a person in a position of power."
"God cannot unsettle you. If the Lord God Himself appears before you and says, 'I revise a new revised edition says that you are not Brahman,' you will laugh."
"Usado recommends that she get out of her wet clothes but she makes him promise not to peek."
"I'm a big fan of the curse words. I've been a licensed attorney for over 17 years, but this is not legal advice; this is where the law nerds unite to talk about facts not fear."
"You became the class clown to protect yourself from the bullies... Maybe not class clown, but, actually, yes, though."
"Humor increases comprehension and learning. It's precisely why I put a bunch of humorous media clips that are related to the topic in my videos."
"I love laughing. I love goofy stuff. 98% of what I watch on TV are cartoons. I am a grown-up child who still laughs at farts."
"Sometimes family, you have to laugh to keep from crying."
"The cheapest form of reappraisal is humor. When things are tough and you go: 'Oh, I'm just gonna laugh at this.' What do you do? You actually completely reduce the threat, the stress dramatically."
"Me waking up: 'I can't wait to go to sleep tonight.'"
"If I swallow magnets, will I become attractive?"
"Why get thinner when you can get more dinner?"
"At one point, there were more photos of me on Frankie's X Factor page than there were of Frankie."
"With great power comes great electricity bill."
"I have the heart of a 16-year-old girl, okay? I'm aware. I know."
"It's not rocket science, people, okay? It's gay science."
"I get imposter syndrome so often that I feel like I'm going to turn into like something from Among Us."
"I love everything about it; can't tell you why, it's just comical."
"She finds light in the darkness; she makes you laugh when you need it most and always has your back."
"The Minnesota Vikings with the best team name in the entire NFL wins it on a 60% slide."
"Nothing better than seeing your nipples on the field, man."
"If there's nothing flopping from thigh to thigh while you're running, that ain't streaking."
"I didn't see that coming, I'm not going to lie."
"I'm going to need you to calm down, Mr. Penguin."
"I am going to eat literal time and space itself."
"If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be McGorgeous."
"The abs are always there; they're just behind a bunch of tacos and tequila."
"Everyone has a unique and natural sense of humor... we've lost touch with it."
"The nice thing about it though is that if you do it once in your life, then forever you're going to have that ability to be humorous and spontaneous."
"We honestly want more playful and humorous people in the world. It makes the world nicer, more pleasant to live in."
"Humor is a very useful tool because it makes you more interesting... but fundamentally if it's not showing attractive qualities, it's gonna work against you instead of for you."
"Our eco-friendly, artisanal, free-range wood milk will be the only milk you'll want to drink for the rest of your life. Why? Because you're thirsty."
"If a joke makes you laugh, it's not dated, it's not out of touch, it's not old, it's not archaic."
"Humor is there to make you laugh, and obviously not every joke is a hit."
"There's a lot of like comicalness where people say that, you know, the tech industry is the only industry where the interview is the hardest part of the job and then after that, it's like way easier."
"Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the purely scientific mind."
"The basic question: Are women funny? Yes, of course, some women are funny."
"I'm not a bitch. I'm actually a very kind, empathetic, charismatic person with a sick sense of humor, often misunderstood, and godlike at Tekken."
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. Get mad."
"It's like that Michael Scott quote: Would I rather be feared or loved? Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
"Learn to laugh at what you used to be ashamed of."
"My favorite part is it's always 'Love, your grandma,' like if it was 'Love, grandma' I'd be confused."
"Humor is a necessity. Because humor gets people to listen, it increases long-term memory retention, it improves understanding, aids in learning and helps communicate messages."
"Anyone can learn to be funnier. And it all starts with a choice, a choice to try to find ways to use humor."
"There are two kinds of people in this world: people who like Titanic, and lies."
"Guardians of the Galaxy works so well due to its perfectly balanced character portrayals and well-timed humor."
"As times changed and people became a lot less tolerant towards this sort of humor, Family Guy was forced to tone down what had made it so successful in the first place."
"Gen Z has developed a breed of humor all its own, with jokes no other era of people have even had the opportunity to create."
"Trying to find laughter in these situations then is a coping mechanism to deal with it all."
"And you know what's more beautiful? Me. Look at me, I'm so gorgeous."
"The truth is, I have a 98% in the class and I kind of need a super smart scientist so I can get a 101."
"You come into high school merely a young, innocent, and clueless child, but you leave even more clueless than before."
"A laser pops an enormous amount of popcorn in the house, blows out all the windows in the doors, just from the power of popcorn."
"If anything's going to stop the nuclear guy, it should be nuclear fallout."
"It's a journey of self-discovery through a procedurally generated maze and at the end, there will be Swedish meatballs and a long checkout."
"Aardvark says hello; however, his definition of hello involves violence and destruction."
"As it turns out, punching sharks underwater is more difficult than it is in real life. Like, I do that all the time, you know, being Australian. It's basically a rite of passage for kids in Australia to punch sharks on the nose."
"I might be the first person ever to die by shark in GTA V. Well, that's probably true. I finally achieved something with my life."
"Did you know there are three types of sharks in this game? Loan sharks, card sharks, and the water sharks."
"This is going to take a long time. Damn, I wish I made that joke. That's pretty funny."
"I think it's pretty obvious I'm winging it. Get it? 'Cause planes have wings."
"The Stanley Parable tells a quirky, weird, narrated story filled with humor and weird wonder."
"I might be biased, but uh, I'd actually watch Peppa Pig if it were like this."
"What do you call monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates."
"For 69 days straight, he wants to give money to a charity of the fans' choosing, $420.69 for 69 days straight."
"There's few things more therapeutic than a good laugh at the right time when you really need it."
"This is one of my best friends trying his hardest not to laugh."
"Are you a broom? 'Cuz you swept me off my feet."
"Humor is a weapon. It can be very aggressive through humor."
"A wizard is never late, he arrives precisely when he means to."
"I had a lot of testosterone raging through me, like any... No, anyway."
"That is amazing, that is, of course, a Captain Kirk reference, and I appreciate that."
"A good sense of humor is much more important than a six-pack, besides, laughter is good for health like sports."
"Mark Twain's definition of a marriage: Friendship recognized by the police."
"Vogner's music is much better than it sounds."
"Spider donkey does whatever a spider donkey does."
"I’m responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own breakfast."
"Say it with me, it's not dark humor. You're just an asshole."
"Are you calling me dangerous? Is possibly my favorite line from the film Glass Onion, a Knives Out mystery."
"I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence."
"The bunny represents freedom, the only man who could deliver such a line with that magnitude is Nicolas Cage."
"Adult humor is supposed to be clever; it's supposed to require a little bit of brainpower, a little bit of thinking to understand the joke."
"You're like the 4th of July; makes me want a hot dog real bad."
"Wait, I have to what? There's buttons? What is this, Legend of Zelda?"
"Captain Dumbletwit was chewing cheerfully on a crunchy chocolate chip and cherry chunk bar."
"Age really is just a feeling, as Luis Buñuel said, 'Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are cheese.'"
"You can probably run an interstellar empire on dial-up modem speeds."
"Why would the Knight do a pull-up contest with his armor on? You know that's just weighing you down."
"I will travel to the end of the world for one pink frosted sprinkle donut."
"If Adam tried to steal my donut, I will travel to the end of the world."
"I want a strawberry frosted donut, the strawberry frosted donut replies, 'Coming right up.'"
"I clicked faster than accepting terms and conditions I haven't read."
"I bought the bank and changed the local currency to cookies."
"We still haven't proven that sacrificing a person to the sun every day to make sure the sun rises the next morning doesn't work."
"Life is so, so short and you know what I make jokes about things like you'll be dead soon anyway or things like that, these are tools that I'm using to try to jar you out of your autopilot derp state."
"If tomato is a fruit, does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?"
"If you're a security guard at Samsung, can you be called the Guardian of the Galaxy?"
"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."
"If you don't have a dog in your profile picture on Twitter, are you even trying?"
"If Mount Everest was as many millimeters tall as your credit card number, including the security code and expiration date, how tall would it be?"
"I swear, would an innocent man do these funky dance moves?"
"It's the great melon Heist of 2023. You'll never find it unless it's in this Temple."
"You know a hearing's off to a shaky start when a lawyer has to clarify that he is, and I quote, 'not a cat.'"
"Wine is not that good a drink. I'm serious, think about the words people use to describe good wine: 'Complex,' that's just a fancy word for confusing; 'Earthy,' that's literally dirt flavor; and 'Smooth,' your best compliment is that it didn't fight you on the way down."
"I'm no longer funny because I miss the way you laugh."
"I got the curse of uncleansable stench from drinking too many potions."
"We like to think of ourselves as being pretty bright, being pretty smart cookies here on GG Live."
"Would my clone and I try to take over? Against myself, it would be a battle for supremacy. Matthew vs. Matthew."
"Can we all agree the Millennium Eye is too large for a normal eye socket?"
"What Hogwarts house is our baby in? Clearly Gryffindor, with rising Slytherin."