Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto Quotes
"No woman will ever satisfy me. I know that now, and I would never try to deny it."
"It’s no one’s fault, really. Or maybe it’s everyone’s fault."
"I cannot fathom how he isn’t the number-one box-office star in America, because every straight girl I know would sell her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker."
"The best relationship I ever had was with a journalist who was as crazy as me."
"The mass media causes sexual misdirection: It prompts us to need something deeper than what we want."
"Silence is only supposed to happen as a manifestation of supreme actualization."
"The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy."
"I’ll be ‘the cool generation.’ That’s all we’re good at, and that’s all you and your friends seem to aspire to."
"Because unlike 99 percent of pop artists, there is absolutely no relationship between Joel’s greatness and Joel’s coolness."
"We want to see domination. We want to see athletes who don’t look like us, and who we could never be."
"Life is rarely about what happened; it’s mostly about what we think happened."
"The truth is that most children don’t love soccer; they simply hate the alternatives more."
"The NBA doesn’t need to sanction zone defense; the smart guys were playing zone when it was still illegal."
"I didn’t need Michael Jordan to come back; I need to watch a game that tells me who to vote for."
"If you’re a Celtic Person, you should try to marry the most beautiful woman willing to sleep with you."
"A Celtic Person eats cereal, but nothing bland; Cap’n Crunch or Frosted Flakes are the best options."
"Laker People consume Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts, which heat up in a hurry–a lot like Bob McAdoo."
"We need to watch a game that tells me who to vote for."
"We are able to study something that defines who we are; therefore, we are able to study ourselves."
"Celtic People think Oswald acted alone and without justification, just like Philadelphia 76er Andrew Toney."
"For society’s prepubescent pariahs, soccer represents safety."
"My actions still have meaning, even if I can’t remember them."
"The world doesn’t disappear when you close your eyes, does it?"
"Every protagonist in a sci-fi story is ultimately a moral creature who does the right thing, often resulting in his own valiant destruction."
"You don’t need to be Lenny Kravitz to know what Lisa Bonet looks like when she steps out of the shower."
"The first ten minutes of every episode put a character in a position where he or she was tempted to do something that was obviously wrong, and their friends would warn them that this was a mistake."
"The Godfather films made tons of money, won bushels of Academy Awards, and—most notably—were anecdotally regarded as damn-near perfect by every non-Italian tier of society."
"The film was set in three static locations: The ice planet Hoth, the jungle system Dagobah, and the mining community of Cloud City."
"Taoists constantly tell me to embrace the present, but I only live in the past and the future."
"Reality is both reflexive and inflexible. We can’t alter reality—but reality can’t exist unless we know it’s there."
"Maybe the answer to 'What is reality?' is this: Reality depends on us as much as we depend on it."
"Semidepressing side note: Eight months after reading Owen Gleiberman’s review in EW, I woke up with another tummy ache in the middle of the night."
"These are not publicists! They are just everyday people, and they are some of the people I am trying to understand reality alongside."
"Contrary to what you may have heard from Henry Rollins, you can’t really learn much about a person based on what kind of music they happen to like."
"The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music 'except country.'"
"The single-biggest proof that the Dixie Chicks are Van Halen is their audience; they are singing to the same teenage boys, except those boys are now teenage girls."
"The first time you hear an Eminem song, you can decide whether or not you find him entertaining."
"I definitely don’t feel a part of what I call the straighter country music industry of Nashville."
"It’s not his simplicity that makes [Toby Keith] vital. It’s his clarity."
"The paradox, of course, is that I’m writing this essay while staring at my CD rack, which currently holds seventeen Dylan and Phair records and exactly three country records released after 1974."
"The killing machine wore a cowboy hat, and he was a real sweetheart."
"The metaphoric newness of serial killing has to do with its meaning."
"I have 43 'close friends,' 196 'good friends,' and 2,200 'affable acquaintances.'"
"I used to think there was nothing worse than being trapped in a conversation with someone who knows absolutely nothing about anything."
"I make music in a sexist world that views the male experience as general and the female experience as personal."
"I’m prone to believe that just about any religious ideology is potentially accurate, regardless of how ridiculous it might seem."
"Good people do whatever they believe is the right thing to do."
"Every moment of your life is a search-and-rescue mission: Everyone you meet needs to be converted."
"Even though I see fundamentalist Christians as wild-eyed maniacs, I respect their verve."
"You’re able to make better conversation over snifters of brandy, but you become an unfeeling idiot."
"You can’t be penalized for doing the things you believe to be truly righteous and just."
"There is something undeniably attractive about becoming a born-again Christian."
"The idea of doing good things simply because you’re good seems like a zero-sum game."
"Sometimes I think children are the worst people alive."
"You’d think [born agains would] be humble, but they’ve got to be amazingly cocksure."
"Life would become unspeakably important, and every conversation you’d have for the rest of your life would really, really, really matter."
"I’m angling for purgatory, and I’m angling hard."