Assholes Finish First Quotes
"The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I have found that the vagina is stronger than both."
"I was pretty good at debating with people before, but now, I had a permanent trump card."
"Walking around with a bullhorn gives all the authority of a gun, without any of the toolishness."
"The best thing to do when you stumble is to pretend that nothing happened and just drive forward."
"I had to break her self-esteem, sleep with her, and steal the shirt."
"I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for anyone else, but it worked for me."
"My dog crawls to the back of my SUV, cowers and gives me her pitiful face, because she thinks my yelling at the idiot drivers is directed at her."
"I wouldn’t want a donut store to lose its best customer."
"Drinking a liter of vodka in three hours means I am no longer able to think."
"I am so famished, dehydrated, exhausted, and hungover I can no longer control my emotions."
"As much as the rest of us were starting to hate our lives, it was WAY worse for those two."
"I could never kill myself. What if it doesn’t work? Then I’ll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?"
"I’ve decided to compile a list of reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself. As you can see, the paper is blank."
"The problem with this interview is that I have to get them to like me, and at this point, I don’t even like me."
"My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League."
"If I understood why I do the things I do when I’m drunk, I’d be… rich… or less drunk… or something."
"Being a slut is easy. There are plenty of fat, ugly, stupid sluts."
"If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock."
"Do you think Baby Drink or Drown is a better name? The investors thought it was more marketable."
"You know CPR, right? I think my heart might explode."
"Everyone makes mistakes. Don't do it again, dumbass."
"It means I need another beer. WHERE IS MY CO-PILOT!"
"What are you pussies afraid of? We have walkaway insurance."
"OH MY GOD! It's stuck under the bumper! There are sparks everywhere!"
"I think my name is 'Tucker,' not 'A Lot of Guys.'"
"I don’t live in some bullshit world of objective reality; I live in MY reality."
"I am Tucker Max! I’ve never done anything wrong in my life."
"I don’t give a fuck about these plebeians, I have a party to get to."
"I actually had to pause and laugh for a minute, it was that ridiculous."
"Shut up you pussy. Go lie on the bed and cry yourself to sleep."
"We’re almost certainly going to be arrested, so just prepare yourself for that."
"I thought of pulling the curtains to give us privacy—but couldn’t, because there were no curtains left in the RV."
"Assuming you haven’t committed a serious crime, if you are very, very accommodating and helpful to them, you’re going to be fine 99% of the time."
"I wish I had a breath mint, but I guess we don’t always get what we wish for."
"You remember that cartoon Duck Tales, where Scrooge McDuck goes swimming in his giant vault filled with gold coins? Since 2006 or so, it’s been like that for me, except with vaginas."
"The only problem is that you’re a dick sucker. If you fuck me, that makes you a cheater."
"No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it."
"Ladies, be honest with yourself about who you are and have the courage to be that person."
"Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple."
"If women didn’t exist, we’d still be naked grunting apes living in caves."
"Men will do ANYTHING—amazing or stupid—if they think it’ll get women to like them."
"There is nothing more tedious or annoying than some group of idiots who feel the need to compete with me in something."
"You don’t have to like it, but it’s a fact. If you understand it, you understand men."
"You’d have to do something really ridiculous to get me to write about you."
"I know it’s possible for girls to hang out with me and not have sex, because it happens all the time."
"You better call Petey Pablo, didn’t he say yo name on ‘Freek-A-Leek’?"
"Sometimes two people can be very much in love and, despite their attempts to make the relationship work, still don't get there."
"Love is amazing; it's one of the greatest emotions, if not the greatest human emotion there is."
"Who cares that I go mountain biking with my dog or that I'm an avid rap fan or that I am into paleolithic eating? None of that makes people laugh, so I keep it to myself."
"I am not sure when we started officially dating, but it was basically a done deal before it happened."
"Getting drunk and having sex with a hot girl is awesome; getting drunk and having sex with a hot girl you love is even better."
"I couldn’t tell your orgasm from pixie dust, I don’t even know if either are real, and neither would make me stop if I wasn’t done, that’s for sure."
"HotNurse and I dated for ten months, which is a long time (for me, at least), and this was a real relationship, built on shared experience and meaningful connection."
"It’s hard to describe, but after reading hundreds of thousands of emails from strangers over the past eight years, I have developed a pretty sensitive radar for personality in email."
"I mean honey, really? Did you think I was paying the LEAST bit of attention to you or your 'orgasm'? You know why I stopped? Because I came."
"I've dated only two girls in the past six years, and the one party in my life where I don't want drama is the one where BOTH of them show up."
"I guess my life is starting to turn around. The crazy randomness is giving way to some semblance of normality."
"You’re just waiting for the other Timberland to drop."
"The best game is being so good you don’t need game."
"Sun Tzu said good generals beat their opponents in the field with superior tactics, great generals beat their opponents by planning a superior strategy, but the best generals beat their opponents without even having to fight."
"When I meet St. Peter at the pearly gates, I will offer this night as proof that my life was great."
"What do you want me to say? I’m just that awesome."
"Assholes may finish first… but nothing that good comes without a price."