Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction Quotes
"It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm’s way, shield him from pain. What good are fathers if not for these things?"
"It’s time to go get Nic," I say, and they dash past me into the house, chanting, "Nicky Nicky Nicky."
"Wouldn’t miss it for all the tea in China," Nic responds.
"After dinner," Nic warns Jasper, "you will be so wet that you’ll have to swim back into the house."
"Children are foul and filthy! ... Children are smelling of dogs’ drrrroppings! ... They are vurse than dogs’ drrroppings! Dogs’ drrroppings is smelling like violets and prrrimroses compared with children!"
"I’m so thin and frail. Don't care, want another rail."
"At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has a momentary respite from his suffering."
"Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself."
"No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die."
"Spot’s the id, the animal force, searching for release."
"We were Cub Scouts and Brownies. We had barbecues, built go-carts, made cakes in my sister’s EasyBake Oven, and rode inner tubes down the Salt and Verde rivers."
"I kept a box in which I store his artwork and writings, like his response to an assignment in which he has been asked if you should always try your best. 'I don’t think you should always try your best all the time,' he writes."
"This apparent idyll distracts us from a looming catastrophe."
"I found it hard, it was hard to find. Oh well, whatever, nevermind."
"It was all over for any small feeling that one was essentially all right. One wasn’t."
"When I look at Nic I see youthfulness and vitality, playfulness and innocence. A child."
"I am shaken not only by the discovery that Nic is smoking pot, but by the even more perplexing fact that I had no idea."
"Of course I trust him. He wouldn’t lie to me. Would he lie?"
"I look at his friend, who hasn’t said a word. He stares at the floor."
"We just wanted to see what it was like," Nic says.
"I’m sorry, but they need to know. I am going to call them and then I’ll take you home."
"Our thinking went like this. We don’t want to overreact, but even more, we don’t want to underreact."
"It’s hard. I don’t know. Everybody drinks. Everybody smokes."
"I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."
"There’s only so much we can do. It’s a force out there."
"It really can—often does—lead to hard drugs," I say.
"Looking back, I now think the coolest kids were the ones who stayed away from drugs."
"Nic is reflective, talking about the future—about high school. 'I still can’t believe I got in,' he says."
"Everything seems pretty great," he concludes.
"‘Do as I say, not as I did.’ I tell him that I wish I hadn’t used them."
"I never anticipated being moved by an eighth-grade graduation, but I am."
"‘I guess I was curious.’ In a minute, he says: ‘I didn’t like it anyway. It made me feel. I don’t know. Weird.’"
"‘I’m not that stupid,’ he says, convincing me he is telling the truth about not trying other drugs."
"I wonder if we should ever have moved out of San Francisco."
"Along with the joy of parenthood, with every child comes a piercing vulnerability."
"‘Take care of my son,’ a man screams on his way to the gallows."
"I felt a new quality of anguish. Maybe parents feel for every child."
"May the good Lord shine a light on you, Charles."
"Meth appears to be the most malefic drug of them all."
"You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it."
"You went from being the kindest, gentlest man I had ever known in my life to a stranger."
"I felt better than I had ever felt before in my life."
"I’m saying this for you, because I’m worried."
"I’ve never come across a single person that was addicted that wanted to be addicted."
"I’m doing what I need to be doing, being responsible for myself for the first time in my life."
"Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness."
"Twenty-one is a milestone in everyone’s life, and it is a milestone for parents when their children turn twenty-one."
"We all are still torn apart by the warring between our fear and our love."
"Sometimes all I can think of is using. Sometimes it’s too difficult."
"I feel as if I just can’t do it. But I call Randy. It really does help if you do what they tell you."
"He has been doing well. It’s not perfect, but he has a coterie of supportive friends and a good job."
"Everything I have will be gone if I don’t stay with the program."
"Sometimes I feel optimistic, but other times I am depressed and desolate."
"Don’t confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them."
"Fortunately Ned was invited to a surprise party. Unfortunately it was a thousand miles away."
"You know who to call. Get help. Before it’s too late."
"Substance abusers lie about everything, and usually do an awesome job of it."
"An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie about it. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it."
"I love him and always will. But I cannot deal with someone who lies to me."
"There’s never any knowing—how am I to put it—which of our actions, which of our idlenesses won’t have things hanging on it forever."
"Parents of addicts learn to temper our hope even as we never completely lose hope."
"I would err on the side of caution and intervene earlier rather than later—not waiting until a child is wantonly endangering himself or others."
"I have learned to contain my worry about Nic in a square or two of the grid that would be there if Close were to paint my life."
"I can accept—in fact am relieved to accept—a world of contradictions, wherein everything is gray and almost nothing is black and white."
"Addicts need ongoing reminders and support, and so do their families."
"I wrote frantically. I wrote in the middle of the night and made it to morning."
"Our shared stories help us remember what we’re dealing with."
"What I did see was an immense outpouring of concern, help, commiseration, and kindness."
"Anne Lamott advises, 'Try not to compare your insides with other people’s outsides.'"
"When we tell others about our struggles, we find tremendous relief."
"People usually recover. To those in the throes, I say: Addiction is a complicated disease that’s often further complicated by co-occurring psychological disorders."
"The journey was still challenging. Nic relapsed in 2010 after two years of sobriety."
"Nic has severe bipolar disorder and depression."
"He recognized he’d relapsed, realized he needed help, and checked himself into a residential treatment program."
"Since he’s been in consistent treatment for his psychological disorders, he’s stayed sober."
"As of this writing, Nic has been sober for eight years."
"What I’m saying is, as bad as it gets, there’s usually hope."
"I started shaking when I typed the words 'don't give up hope.'"
"We fail miserably when it comes to education about drug abuse and addiction."
"I’m so proud of the work Nic has done and continues to do on himself, but of course there are no guarantees."