Idiot Quotes
"Remember when Mary Poppins pulled that long-ass hat stand out of her Magic Bag? That’s what it was like when the doctors pulled me out of my mom’s vagina."
"By the time I was fourteen, I had outgrown my twin-size bed. So naturally, I started sleeping on the living room couch."
"She never got me ANYTHING from infomercials. In spite of this deprivation, I did have a pretty happy childhood."
"It’s a chill suburb. All the children play out on the street, and the community is really close."
"She was a total prep. She was on the honor roll, a cheerleader, and had a reserved and sweet disposition."
"Downers Grove is a mostly Catholic town with strong family values. Not so much religious as culturally Catholic."
"FUCK ORGANIZED RELIGION! It’s bullshit. And eat another hot dog, Laura, you’re too skinny!"
"I never did try acid. I guess it was my way of rebelling."
"I lacked any confidence once I stepped inside the classroom."
"The small rejections made it hard for me to talk in school."
"Winters in Illinois are brutal and last forever, and my dad bought my mother a car whose main feature was a top that came off and exposed us all to the rain, sleet, and snow."
"I don’t think there’s anything better than being out in the wilderness with the people you love, staying out late, climbing around the forest, making the most of your ill-functioning cabin, and running around horses redolent of poop."
"As soon as I got my driver’s license, our rebellious adventures entered a whole new realm."
"I was very disruptive in class. (Kids... don’t be like me.)"
"But frequently I also happened to ditch class to smoke weed. Life is all about balance, you guys!"
"I’m not a joy to have in class. For me, class was just a time for me to practice bits on my classmates—try to make everyone laugh."
"The better I knew how other people thought, the more easily I could steal and lie and get away with it."
"I have so many friends who got discouraged from their art by their parents before they even had a chance to try."
"I knew I was going to make it... but seventeen-year-old Laura thought that this meant I didn’t have to work for it. That success would just find me."
"I had one suitcase, one plane ticket, forty dollars in my pocket, and a napkin with Damon’s address written on it. I was off."
"If you're reading this and under twenty-five, remember, it's not your fault. Nothing is ever your fault."
"I was scared and frustrated, but part of me was definitely like, You go, Natalie. Kick us the fuck out of your place!"
"I felt like nothing because he had taken everything away from me. ALSO I LOVED HIM."
"DON'T PUSH HER AROUND! I'M LEAVING! NOT HER! ME!"
"Damon’s pretty face couldn’t get him past that with them."
"I’m gonna make sure you never walk again."
"Well you’re not! My mother is dead! Shavasana now!"
"Bravery is not being unafraid, it's being shit-your-pants-scared-out-of-your-mind and doing the damn thing anyway."
"My addiction is a fatally progressive disease. It has a voice that used to speak loudly. I work every day to speak louder than it."
"I’m not unafraid, but for the first time, I was brave."
"Being sober was fun. Being single was fun. I didn’t know that I could enjoy doing anything besides getting wasted."
"I learned from AA that selfishness and self-seeking are the roots of all of my problems."
"Trust God, clean house, help others. Every day."
"I can’t change my past. I’m allowed to be mad about these things, but I can also work to let them go. I can release the resentment and forgive. Because, honestly, my life depended on it."
"You can’t get clean off yesterday’s shower."
"I started to learn things that changed my life."
"Stay in the action and out of the results."
"I’m making millions of people laugh all around the world."
"I am smart. I am perfect as I am. I am enough. I am worthy."
"The more you have, the more you can give."
"You have to be willing to go to any lengths to complete the steps."
"I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I am worthy. I am happy."
"I am so happy and grateful that I am making millions of people laugh with my videos."
"I am going to make millions of people laugh around the world on a consistent basis. I am going to have a successful career."
"I had to put my sobriety first and say no."
"I never want my brain to talk to me in THAT TONE AGAIN."
"What you are thinking, what you tell yourself, can manifest."
"We weren’t actively doing them, we were getting sicker."