"Self-deprecation...it's good to be self-aware, to be able to laugh at yourself. However, defaulting to make fun of yourself even as a joke can do way more harm than good."
"I don't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member."
"I've never stolen anything since, except for the hearts of millions."
"My life is essentially a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents."
"Sorry, hello there my friend, yes, I've accidentally turned into the Terminator. I physically can't bloody die."
"My first impression of me is that [I am] really [explicit] dumbass. But then they get to know me, and then they realize that I'm a really [explicit] dumbass."
"I may not deserve such a grand introduction, but I didn't deserve a name like Twinkle either."
"I may be the world's most underwhelming superhero, but I am one nonetheless."
"Conduct needed a hero. Instead, they got me."
"It's Bristol, baby. It's going to be epic. An epic failure for me, one or the two."
"Let's get boo it. Get it? Boo it. Yeah, I don't know how I'm so hilarious. It's just a gift, I guess."
"Bro, anything is better than that Vegeta [__] I had going on."
"Talk really fast, I'm have to keep up. Okay, are you garbage? My wife is going to be watching this just going like, 'Yes, just say yes, he's garbage. I need the validation.'"
"How the hell did you come up with me, then? Scraping the barrel."
"I'm like a extremely lowbudget John Oliver, we're like John Wilson and John Oliver kind of together."
"They don't know how to fight a guy who knows self-deprecating humor and it's hilarious."
"The hate and making fun of myself lessens that risk as it gives people who do support these new ideas permission to make fun of me too, creating a safe combo."
"Make fun of ourselves, self-deprecation humor is one of the greatest things."
"I mean, technically I am someone in their 30s who has a Life Alert."
"This is why you should never give up on your dreams, even if you're an idiot like me."
"People are saying this person's actually hella funny, like I know you guys might be really self-deprecating, but one thing I'm picking up is people are saying you are actually very funny."
"My talent is so hidden I still haven't found it."
"So cute because aren't we all losers at heart."
"Self-deprecation bake-off. Deprecation. Hopefully, one day, those two brothers can learn how to take jokes." - Jeff
"I will catch you guys all in my next one. Bye!"
"Are you an idiot sandwich? Yes, yes you are."
"I made a mistake once. I thought I was the second most humble person in the world." - Marty
"Elon accomplished everything that he could have hoped for with his appearance on SNL. He was funny, he was self-deprecating."
"Despite all his troubles, Charles still sometimes makes fun of himself."
"I never get no respect. This run is so long, if you ran it, you would have run a marathon and never get any respect."
"I turned into a quote-unquote pasty Englishman."
"I'm like that one character in the anime that's like really overpowered for no reason at all."
"I'm not gonna kill him, oh damn, I'm coming at you, I'm bad at Magic."
"Make myself look big? Apparently I've been overeating my entire life."
"Self-deprecating humor is always the way to go."
"I've managed to make a career out of being the dumbest person in a conversation 640 times, and it seems to have worked okay for me."
"Well the joke is on you my friend because actually my eyes are normal-sized it's just that my head is absolutely massive I mean look at it."
"You've got so ugly you've been hiding for 6,000 years."
"I'm not a rocket scientist I'm not a I'm not a jet scientist or rocket scientist or anything like that well you're a brain surgeon you're a brain scientist right?"
"I'm a horrible builder, but there you go. There's my bamboo done. Simple. I like it."
"I'm an okay astronaut at best and kind of a ridiculous pirate, but together I've become something even better: the legendary Star-Lord!"
"We should enjoy being the butt of the joke we should enjoy you know see yourself as the star of a sitcom not not the star of this great drama you know and you'll enjoy your life you'll be much more content."
"Can you guys add like the disney people tell me i look like a young kurt cobain played by an average looking sketch comedian"
"Thank you, man, you are the haggard prince, I'll take it."
"This show does a lot whenever they're the butt of a joke."
"Put it on my resume. What are you good at? Dying. Okay, just the skill we're looking for. You're hired."
"Even if I was smurfing an iron right I would not have the balls."
"I slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night... I'm now an expert."
"Wow, I actually made something that kind of looks like [expletive] but doesn't taste like it. Go me!"
"Every woman on that show would beat the living [__] out of me."
"Hey, I won! Is it because this computer is so super awesome or that I set the difficulty to easy? Probably."
"This man did build a time machine. That's kind of sick, I'm kind of stupid."
"Nothing makes me laugh harder than when someone's like making fun of themselves."
"You think we're just a couple idiots who don't know [ __ ], you're right too."
"I'm the garbage. Do you get it? Because it's funny."
"I'm not particularly good at this, but even being sh*t, I still shot down 249 aircraft."
"If it brings joy and laughter to people, I mean at my expense I can still wear it."
"I'm a faux educator. If I don't know bitcoins, you know for a long time..."
"I'm just more like a slot machine, slap slut."
"When your strategy is 'I'm gonna be incredibly beta', what are you really doing?"
"And let's be honest stabbing yourself has never looked this cool before."
"I'm sorry to interrupt and I'm sorry you have to see how shitty my hair looks right now."
"Anytime anybody is willing to laugh at themselves, it looks good on them."
"I bring you nothing and have no value except for I'm from a place."
"Imperative that you hit that ravishing like button because honestly I can't handle all that ravishing miss myself."
"I like playing games in different ways I don't you guys to test me test my awesome gaming skill that I don't have and everyone knows it."
"I'm not even cool, I'm just one of those girls that can do a lot of drugs and not die."
"The best humor is at the expense of one's self."
"Oh I'm such a freaking Canadian stupid Meathead."
"I'm [expletive] taking it. I have no pride, shame, ego, nothing. Smart. What are the odds? Easy clap there."
"We may not have any musical bones in our body but what we do have is a lot of money."
"Like a winner at losing. Like, I always find a way."
"I care about what degree you got, I don't have no degree, my degree is very low, very low."
"He commends her for finding him and introduces himself as the most miserable idiot in the school."
"A talented and cute girl like her is such a waste going out with a guy like me."
"And I'm also a no fun... (crowd booing) Aren't you embarrassed?"
"You're so kind to me, I won't know what to do. [Expletive], I'm only good at being a sassy [expletive], so I'm not exactly sure how to swim someone gorgeous with one of kindness."
"Honestly I don't think I would be useful at all in medieval England."
"But what it looks ridiculous, which I think is the best."
"I don't know how you say his name, sorry I'm a degenerate."
"For those of you who don't know, level one, I'm a piece of garbage."
"Word of advice for you men out there, if ever a lady points out how poorly endowed you are, just show her this jpeg. She'll say, 'Wow, I didn't realize it was so potent and fertile, you really opened my eyes.' Thank you, bananas."
"Made 31, easiest title and ever made maybe I should stick to it."
"I have a toilet plunger on my head so what more do I need to say?"
"Oily, greasy, fatty. Sorry, I was describing myself."
"Happy birthday to me, I look like a monkey and I live in a tree."
"Apparently, I am now fast. Though, okay, I'm incredibly flimsy, like I can't really use an axe that well, and I've got like no health."
"Being useless is not that hard, I can do that all day."
"I'm just a bleak, that's all I am, a lowly bleak."
"You telling the audience that you have a pizza job is you asking the audience to expect less from you."
"If you listen to stand-up, a lot of stand-up is really just people basically admitting that they're stupid."
"I think I'm British because I know geography, I know presidents. I don't know superheroes, and I got horrible teeth."
"I'm so proud of the stupid things that I do."
"Coming up, I put on a silver suit, cover myself with butter, and become a baked potato."
"I'm just a dumb redneck with an IQ of 200, tinkering with thingamajigs and watching bobs."
"You might not all be Mad Men like me and have a lot of Tanks, maybe you've only got five, and it's really easy."
"Quick life lesson: People can't say mean things about you if you beat them to it first. That's right, I learned that as a kid while watching the hit 2002 film '8 Mile' starring Eminem."
"Welcome to Hoo's Garage, the dumbest Automotive channel in all of YouTube."
"It's probably deserved. There's a lot of stuff to make fun. It's easy to make fun of it."
"I got a crepe booty because crepes are flatter than pancakes."
"This is gonna make myself look like an idiot but it just dawned on me."
"Writers dress frumpy and get fat, you know... it's great."
"You don't need to be smart when you have luck like me."
"If you do enjoy me embarrassing myself for whatever reason then please feel free to subscribe."
"America is a very witty intelligent country that has a very advanced sense of humor that comes from a place of self-deprecation."
"We're all little trash cans rolling down the hill of life after being kicked by somebody cooler and stronger than us."
"I'm halfway to Kate Winslet, well maybe like Kate Winslet's Butler, yeah."
"He still pokes fun at this scene in different ways... Good for him, he has a good sense of humor about how shitty Deadpool once was." - Acknowledging Ryan Reynolds' humor and dedication to the Deadpool character.
"I really like to do is try and lighten people's mood, do something silly, I'll be the butt of the joke if I need to be."
"That's pretty much all I've got going for me."
"Welcome to ten minutes of me making a fool out of myself."
"I'm not some Authority uh nomenclature sure you are."
"Big brain skill, big wrinkly brain as you would say."
"What makes me qualified is not much but I like pizza."
"This was my plan, Garrus. Expendable and forgettable, that's my motto."
"I eat like the fattest fat man you've ever seen."
"That is totally me and like ten years, the double chin and all."
"Birth control effectiveness: 99 for condoms, 99 for birth control pills, but 100 percent for my Tinder profile. And that's why I'm the best contraceptive, ladies and gentlemen."
"It's like a dog show, a happy Dan club." - "It's like what are you doing when someone's like, 'I'm just so stupid.'"
"It's a funny huh? I threw up all over myself or oh God."
"I'm an expert, don't ask me where the zinc is."
"I'm not doing a prank today on April Fool's Day, I'm doing a self-deprecative joke."
"I went there, made fun of myself, I had a great time."
"I don't touch grass because I'm a loser and it's great."
"You're giving me way too much credit for my big brain, please."
"Literally my voice is cracking, I'm literally saying I'm going into puberty, what the heck?"
"Thank you guys for listening to my fat long mouth."
"Not only that, but Lea Michele has taken to TikTok to joke about the whole thing and she said 'I have 265 days to learn to read'..."
"I consider myself royally flushed. Nice one, dude."
"Let's start off with the goods, which is me being bald."
"We're two college dropouts trying to use big words on the internet."
"If I had a dollar for every time a woman found me unattractive, a woman would find me attractive."
"If you guys are ugly like me just try being funny it'll open up a lot of more possibilities for you."
"I just hit the freaking p-switch, I'm an idiot."
"My nose that always sniffles really bad... my nose with as skinny as my chicken legs."
"The more you laugh at yourself, the more people are going to love you."
"My early game strategy, up to this point, has basically been 'let me be a hungry sausage.' It's kind of ironic, don't you think?"
"I mean I am a god but there's only so much I can do by myself and I'm sure no matter what skillshare will have a class for you."
"He's like a world champion and I'm just some knife-making dummy from Atlanta."
"You just crapped the bed as a 40-year-old man, is that what you're proud of?"
"If peeing your pants is cool call me Tai Tuivasa."
"You don't want to miss out on me struggling to read all those big books."
"He brings it up himself a lot because he makes fun of himself."
"I might be trash but guess what guys, I'm a garbage can. I'm not a garbage cannot."
"There's going to be no rules. Like, I'm kind of too stupid to install, you know what I mean?"
"I might be the worst Pokemon player ever but I'm one of the luckiest."
"It probably won't happen... you're probably just going to see me with a penguin on my head."
"Someone says they use your videos when they teach in college. Wow, what are they teaching? How to fix rusty old junk? I don't know, this must be a pretty sketchy college."
"And boy, I sure do look like a clown now, huh?"
"I want to be the least talented, least informed, least educated, least driven person on the team."
"If I'm driving it, then you should run the other way."
"It is very clear that I will always be that incredibly awkward guy named Dan that will happily tell the stories of all the bad things that happen in my life so you feel better about yours. You're welcome."
"Constantly talking about how much they hate themselves and how bad a person they are."
"Because all of the strength in the world won't help him grow his hair back."
"How much of a doofus can I be? Am I a chimpanzee? The answer is yes, of course."
"I call myself wrong role model just to remind people, I may appear perfect, but there's a lot of things I try to keep away."
"I'm a third-rate duelist with a fourth-rate deck, Joey."
"I, Charlamagne, the most educated man in the village with two months of college, am a medical practitioner."
"I'm illiterate. I don't know what asphalt is. I just know it sounds like ass fault. Leave me alone."
"I'm a big old stupid dum-dum, let me quit being such a stupid dumb dumb."
"Being an anime fan in general is already cringe enough." - Popcat
"One of my superpowers, I don't have many, I have super deficits." - Finding humor in imperfection.
"The amount of times I did this is ridiculous and embarrassing."
"My mom thinks I am the family disappointment. Served a mission, not lol. Sorry, epic."
"Instead of being two minutes late, I was eight minutes late, like, black people late."
"A puddle of disappointment was the name of my unauthorized autobiography."
"Comedy: no one does sarcasm or self-deprecating humor quite like us!"
"You know what I'm not classy. I had this sweatshirt for a long time and pretty sure there's tomato sauce on my shirt."
"When you're a clown you embarrass yourself for other people to laugh."
"You're a small boy, big brain, big brain."
"I'm proud of my stunt work because I am a clumsy, uncoordinated, not fit person. I did break a few props but I didn't hurt anyone and I didn't hurt myself."
"If I ever get lost in nine acres, please just bury me where I stand."
"I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member."
"Considering it was a charity ball, I think you might be a little more charitable about my dancing."
"I named my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of Hungary."
"I don't care if you laugh or not, that's a smartass joke."
"I couldn't hit a note with a baseball bat; some notes I missed by extraordinary margins ... They sewed my words together on one song so tightly that when I mouthed it in front of the camera, I nearly asphyxiated myself." - Marlon Brando
"My mother always told me I was funny looking."
"I'm only here because I'm a loser in my world."
"I proudly include myself in the idiot category."
"I can make fun of myself better than all of you."
"You're smarter than most people. That's not saying much."
"The winner of best fight of the season goes to my will to live versus the eighth isekai of the day."
"I've been eating like a little trash Panda."
"I could have been part of the DC universe, but no, I had to say I actually liked the Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie."
"If Gordon Ramsay ever called me an idiot sandwich, I would delete my existence."
"People make fun of me anyways, like I might as well just have fun with it."
"I'm the worst corn dogger that ever lived."
"If I ever get to 12 million subscribers, make fun of me in videos all you want."
"That's usually what our show is about: a race to the bottom."
"I must be such a pathetic piece of garbage like that I'm just destined for misery."
"Even if the show was terrible, it means that I'm automatically a fan, because I love bad stuff."
"Sorry I suck. I mean you might do but I don't know how that's related to not knowing somebody's name"
"I can say that cuz it's self-deprecating."
"Because I got 10 fingers and no rings."
"I'm gonna get some plastic surgery. I'm gonna have my eyes done. I'm gonna have them both put on one side of my head and then continually ask people if my hair looks all right."
"I made much more money making fun of myself than I did being a tough guy."
"You did it better than me or something."
"Thank you for watching and listening to my long rambling stupidity. I hope you enjoyed it."
"The bad news is I'm the big unfriendly giant of the chase."