Bad Monkey Quotes
"Well, son," the captain said, "we're in the memory-making business."
"The house is forty-four feet high—I measured it myself. The county code's only thirty-five."
"It's the Keys, man. The code is for suckers."
"You should be celebrating. By the way, we'll need your Glock and the keys to the Crown Vic."
"Nilsson never gave me no trouble. He ate here all the time."
"Nilsson was a lazy fuckwhistle," Yancy said. "I’m writing you up."
"Eat lots of yogurt, Andrew. Find a flavor you like."
"But you probably go out a lot, being single and all. You know where I'm headed with this?"
"Restaurant inspector—it's like a paid vacation, Andrew."
"I made it into a weathervane. It’s on top of my roof."
"Our love was like a streaking comet." Yancy paused. "Her words, not mine."
"It’s a cold business when true love goes south. Take my word."
"What kind of sick bastard do you take me for?"
"It’s all I got, all that’s left of my sweet Nicky."
"You gotta work on your fucking people skills!"
"He called it Summer’s Eve," she said fondly, "after me."
"We’ve got a condo on Duck Key," Eve Stripling said, "but I was in Paris when it happened."
"I’m holding out for new Michelins on the Subaru."
"Honey, everything's gonna be fine. Take a deep breath."
"A whole new life is what you said. Isn't that the whole point?"
"I can't wait to get the fuck outta here is what it means."
"I'm going on a steelhead trip to BC. You'd have a ball, Andrew."
"Mon, you got a poymit fuh dot sick-ass monkey?"
"Are you kidding? He would have gaffed Charlie in the nut sack."
"I love my job, but I'm pretty sure it's screwing with my head."
"He fought them off before they could reach his throat."
"Juss you wait. He be gone from Andros in due time."
"Soon dot fella gon start puddin’ up his damn hotel."
"Any minute now, his skin be fallin’ off his body. Maybe his balls, too."
"Wot’s wrong wit dot ugly boy of yours? Am I de first grown woman he ever seen naked as God made us?"
"Their offspring would have been eternally fucked up, prime fodder for Dr. Phil."
"Why a family devoid of water skills chose to vacation at a seaside resort was beyond Rosa’s scope of inquiry."
"She accused her mom of squashing Flash on purpose, the so-called accident occurring soon after a tense family conversation about bacteria on pet-store reptiles."
"The truth was more depressing, laid bare by Google Earth."
"What happens if somebody walks in? Just play dead. I’m serious."
"There’s no hot boyfriend in the Bahamas—she stopped there on the way home from Paris to visit one of her uncles."
"Except for a colorful exchange of profanity with a meth-head tanker driver on the turnpike, the ride to Miami had been uneventful."
"For all her lithe athletics she stayed remarkably quiet, as if she were afraid to awake somebody in the building, which would have been quite a trick."
"One advantage to fucking on immovable steel was that it didn’t squeak, unlike Yancy’s sagging bed at home."
""Okay, this is pretty warped. I should probably get some counseling.""
""I would’ve been a worthless park ranger," he said."
""Christ, you cut up dead people for a living. Don’t be so tough on yourself.""
""Some weekend we should go camping down at Flamingo, just the two of us.""
""My boss was a major dickbrain. It was time to move on.""
""Last night we camped on the beach at Bahia Honda." Bonnie favored Yancy with a fond-memory wink."
""Of course." Rosa pointed to a small camera mounted above the table. "Don’t fret, Andrew, it has an Off switch. I’m not that twisted.""
""The police were looking for the 4Runner so we switched to Cody’s car.""
""It’s a freaking HBO miniseries. All I need is fangs.""
""It’s your lucky day," Yancy said, and made for the door."
""Once a cop, always a cop," Yancy said fraternally."
""For God’s sake, why?" "Because," Yancy said, "yours truly was hot on their tail. The widow Stripling and her man are running scared.""
""Right. It was my understanding you delivered it to the widow." "Absolutely.""
""I guess Natasha and I will be taking a road trip.""
""I wasn’t the one who said it was a boat accident," the sheriff protested."
""Sonny, please let me finish this off. I’m so close.""
""Who cares?" Yancy asked. "You haven’t done anything wrong.""
""Give me back my old job and I’ll get to the bottom of this.""
""Sit, Andrew, sit. Try the oysters Rockefeller.""
""The neighborhood’s gone to hell," Yancy said supportively. "It used to be so safe and quiet.""
""Funny," Bonnie said. "You don’t believe me.""
""In case you two get caught. Bonnie goes to jail, all the tabloids would line up to pay big bucks for your story.""
""But you’re not in homicide, Andrew. You’re on roach patrol!""
""I’ve gotta get to the hardware store," said Evan Shook, "before it closes.""
"What God? In half an hour she’ll be balling this slob in a hotel I’m paying for."
"Listen, Inspector, I think you oughta know what just happened."
"What would he ever do as a rich man that he couldn’t do now?"
"Don’t move, nigger, or I’ll blow your fuckin’ head off."
"Stay away from hedge funds, friend. Those giddy days are over."
"That storm isn’t coming this way, don’t you worry."
"I want to believe this story, with all my soul."
"Andrew wasn’t the most ferocious name for a hurricane and look what happened."
"It didn’t take an FBI profiler to predict that Grunion’s lonesome pilot would be down at the conch shack—where else in Rocky Town would he go when grounded by weather?"
"Hurricanes being only slightly less damaging to real estate values than volcanic eruptions and leaky nuclear plants."
"Ever since the night she seduced him on the autopsy table he had wondered how to satisfy such an appetite for excitement."
"Sending her off to meet with a pair of murderers was one way to spice up a date weekend, but experimenting with variable-speed sex toys in a bounce house would have been safer."
"She’d simply let it be known that her 'husband' Andrew was determined to own a piece of this gorgeous tropic isle, no matter what the hurricane did."
"What kind of demon skank would teach a monkey how to smoke?"
"Every evening they’d come into this clearing to eat sprouts and twigs, I’d sit on the deck and watch them do their thing until it got dark."
"But then some guy named Shook from upstate New York, he bought the lot next to mine and started putting up a huge house, a ridiculous fucking house. It’s way too tall for the building codes but obviously he paid off somebody."
"They don’t come anymore. They can’t eat plywood."
"People used jerry cans for fueling lawn mowers or ATVs, but there was no good reason to carry four of them unless you had a bigger job in mind."
"I’ll buy her another one. This is not a problem."
"For what it’s worth, I took extremely good care of your arm. I kept it in the freezer of my refrigerator with the vodka and Popsicles. Didn’t Eve tell you?"
"He tells Eve to switch on the floodlights—thank God for the generator—and briskly he walks Yancy to the north side of the house, Eve joining them under a pair of coconut palms."
"Yancy looking more worried now, raindrops pelting his face."
"You really don’t want to kill this scrumptious little puppy. It would break your bride’s heart. Clumps of bloody fuzz all over the lawn?"
"Let’s find out, asswipe." The man looked unfazed, unworried.
"Never had a woman exploited him in a sexual way, but it sounded exhilarating compared to the listless bedroom comportment of his wife and even, in recent months, his mistress."
"You can never predict how individuals might react."
"Never once had Neville teased or prodded Driggs the way the voodoo witch did."
"I didn’t hit ’im, mon. I stob ’im wit your fishin’ pole."
"An opportunity came the very next day when the old lady and her companion became tangled on the scooter chair during a braying act of human sex that the monkey mistook for a terrible fight."
"The puncture in his lower back was oozing a fluid that didn’t resemble blood."
"Once they were out of sight, Neville placed both hands over his heart and thanked the Lord Almighty for his good fortune."
"Riding on small planes never failed to put a tune in Yancy’s head."
"Technically I’m not a cop. I’m a restaurant inspector."
"Life is but the blink of an eye. This is what you’ll learn."
"It’s not easy to have a seriously deep conversation when you’ve got a purple hard-on that could cut a diamond."
"She got a fish hook stuck in her uvula. I’m betting she ordered the Cuban yellowtail."
"The assistant’s laptop beeped to life, and the important phase of the interview continued."