Girl Walks Into A Bar . . .: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, And A Midlife Miracle Quotes
"At best, it means you are being replaced by a black man."
"If you have been in the acting business for any length of time, you don’t take this stuff personally."
"I had never been this mentioned in the press or this buzzed about for my whole career, until now that something 'bad' was happening."
"It was about attractiveness. It was about Pretty."
"I'm so rich that it's no surprise, when I'm tired, I get Gucci bags under my eyes."
"I would think of the genius Jean Stapleton of All in the Family and how today some ding-dong in the network would insist she be played by Megan Fox to get the male 18–49 demographic."
"I had always been pretty sure that comedy was about producing a laugh and not a boner."
"In a sketch show, your own personal type doesn’t really matter; your talent lies in the fact that you can play all sorts of character types."
"Oh, believe me, I have repeated the phrase 'Don’t wander into Haiti' many a time in my family when someone is giving unnecessary safety advice."
"I was ready for The! Most! Thrilling! Moment! Of! My! Life! … was going to have to wait."
"The audience eats it up when the actors break during a scene, but I would always try not to break."
"I thought it seemed like it would be really fun, but it seemed too crazy a dream to have."
"I’m not going to play a hottie on TV when real hotties exist … superhotties that moved to LA from their small towns in Iowa because they were born superhotties."
"It ain’t all glitz and glamour and shrimp cocktail and cocaine parties."
"You’d be surprised how often we see this injury in New York."
"I guess this never was a date, was it? Was this one all in my head?"
"I had to admit to myself that somewhere deep inside, I was looking at this experiment in dog ownership as practice for 'What if I ever wanted to have a baby on my own?'"
"I kept moving up the window of fertility and possibility, trying to block out the statistics with which I was bombarded."
"When I have told this to my friends, some people say, 'Well, who needs one more pigeon running around New York!' but I felt really bad for the bird."
"I realized that as we grow older, we adjust and roll with what we have in the present, though it may not be the future we had dreamed up for ourselves in the past."
"I was forty-three years old and I was actually seeing the benefits of not having kids and was accepting my fate after all those years of struggling."
"I was spending her Sunday afternoon at a baby shower."
"I felt bad about the way we said good-bye."
"I felt bad about the way we said good-bye. I sure wouldn’t miss waking up at six thirty A.M. to feed him, but I would miss him settling his head onto my leg when I was lying on the floor watching TV."
"I later found out John did know who I was but also that he didn’t have a TV."
"It’s pretty rare to have a laughing fit like that with someone you just met."
"Somewhere in the back of my head must have been the thought that No leads to dead ends, and Yes leads to possibilities."
"There is no way to prepare for the vast amount that flows from a child to his parents."
"You’re really getting angry about this!"
"I realized I had been told just that by Shelley the Channeler not quite one year ago."
"Where’s the book that starts out 'So you’re forty-three and think you can’t have kids but unexpectedly got pregnant'?"
"I had always been right in guessing the genders of my friends’ kids in the womb."
"I didn’t even want to tell you about the Axis of Evil. That was the time I burped and farted at the same time."
"Having a baby in NYC is the opposite of that song in every way…. You are not abusing your child and everyone does dare say 'What’s the matter here?'"
"I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to a complete stranger on my elevator that I bundle Eli up downstairs in the lobby because he fusses too much if I put warm clothes and a hat on him in my apartment."
"I picture them standing on the playground, holding a megaphone, and proclaiming to all who will listen: 'I MADE MY OWN BABY FOOD TODAY! MASHED POTATOES WITH RICOTTA AND ORGANIC CHIVES! IT WAS BETTER THAN WHAT I ATE MYSELF!'"
"For me, that happened to be Dr. Sears. He’s the 'attachment parenting' guy who says, 'Don’t cry it out, carry your baby on a sling with you for closeness, and breast-feed whenever they want, and it’s even OK to have them sleep in your bed with proper precautions.'"
"I have found that having a baby in your life is pretty wonderful. I have to be honest about that. However, I also solemnly promise to not e-mail you baby pictures and talk about the Cutest Poop Ever."
"I guess if I had to pick the most apt description, I’d say it mostly feels like we are platoon buddies. There we are, lying in the dark, having fought the good fight all day long…."
"I wouldn’t trade Eli for an Emmy or a WGA or even a SAG award. Not for an Oscar. Nope. Not for an Oscar."