Good Inside: A Guide To Becoming The Parent You Want To Be Quotes
"Behavior is a clue to what a child—and, often, an entire family system—is struggling with."
"Our goal is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans."
"Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change."
"Assuming goodness enables you to be the sturdy leader of your family."
"Empathy and validation from parents are critical ingredients in helping a child develop regulation skills."
"The way parents interact with kids in their early years forms the blueprint they take with them into the world."
"A child's early years form the foundation for emotion regulation."
"Feeling satisfied with oneself, tolerant of failure, firm in boundaries, capable of self-advocacy, and connected with others... all of these important adult dynamics come from our early wiring."
"Parenting is hard. You did, and are still doing, a great job."
"Internal working models are based on what a child learns, through personal interactions, about their caregiver’s responsiveness, availability, consistency, repair, and reactivity."
"Remember, children are learning how relationships work at the same time that they’re locked into a relationship with us, the parents."
"Here’s the big takeaway: kids wire themselves to adapt to their early environment, forming expectations about the world based on the data they take in."
"Attachment Lesson #1: When I feel vulnerable, I am ridiculed and unseen. Keep my vulnerability out of close relationships. It’s not safe there."
"Attachment Lesson #2: I am allowed to want things for myself. Wanting things for myself is allowed in close relationships."
"Attachment Lesson #1: I can’t trust my feelings because they’re ridiculous and overblown. Other people know better than I do how I should feel."
"The more we can rely on a parent, the more curious and explorative we can be."
"Our confidence that someone will understand us, not judge us, and support us, comfort us when things go wrong—this is what allows kids to develop into adults who are assertive, confident, and brave."
"Internal family systems (IFS) is a therapeutic model that considers different parts within a person, as opposed to thinking about a person in a singular manner."
"When we focus on what’s under the surface, when we give children what they need to be less combustible inside, their behavior will appear less explosive on the outside."
"When kids start asking these questions, they are ready for answers."
"Kids don’t need reassurance about the future. They need to not feel alone in their feelings."
"You won’t always have answers, but you can always work on feeling safe and competent in the present moment."
"It’s your loving presence and attention to your child’s experience that his body will remember the most."
"My mom showed me that parenthood doesn’t mean losing yourself."
"Selfless parenting is parenting by a leader without a self."
"We cannot change externally until we have rewired internally."
"Our bodies interpret avoidance as confirmation of danger."
"I am allowed to have things for myself even if they inconvenience others."
"The quality of our relationships with others is only as good as the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves."
"You’re going to mess up. You are not defined by your reactivity or your latest behavior."
"Behavior is never the problem; it’s only the symptom."
"When we really connect with a child, we build our capital."
"We get the biggest bang for our buck when we’re calm."
"Your attention communicates that they are safe, important, valuable, loved."
"When someone says to us, 'Hey! You’re feeling [sad/scared/angry/left out]. That’s okay. I’m here. Tell me more,' the feelings immediately start to subside."
"We can’t laugh when we sense danger or threats."
"A rupture moment occurs because both people are in their own experience."
"All relationships have rough patches, and yet, these moments can be the greatest sources of deepening connection."
"Repair offers us the opportunity to change the ending to the story."
"Tantrums are biological states of dysregulation, not willful acts of disobedience."
"Tantrums are a child’s way of saying, 'I’m scared of the feelings in my body. Help me, help me, help me!'"
"Recognize when a child is past the point of no return. Tell yourself, 'My child’s emotional fire needs containment. I can do this.'"
"Pick your child up and carry them into a room that is relatively 'safe' and small. A small room shows a child that their emotional fire cannot burn down the entire house."
"Focus on your own deep breaths. Make them a bit exaggerated and audible, both for yourself and for your child."
"Tell yourself, over and over, 'Nothing is wrong with me, nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this.'"
"Don’t try to reason, don’t lecture, don’t punish, don’t say too much at all."
"Loud, chaotic tantrums need calm, steady voices."
"Your feelings can come out, but I will stop them from destroying the world around you."
"When a child gets a sibling, it feels to them similar to how it would feel for you if your partner got a second spouse."
"First kids get accustomed to being alone; they are wired with their parents’ full attention, so having a new sibling completely rocks the foundation of their world."
"We want our kids to follow their instincts when they think, 'Hmm . . . something is off here. My body is telling me this isn’t right. I need to leave this situation.'"
"The more a child can tolerate frustration, the longer they can stick with a hard puzzle, work on a tough math problem, or stay engaged while writing an essay."
"In our family, how hard we work is more important than coming up with the right answer."
"Frustration tolerance is the ability to sit in the space between not-knowing and knowing."
"I don’t have to teach my child how to put his shirt on smoothly... I need to teach my child how to tolerate when it doesn’t go on right."
"Emotional vaccination is key for building frustration tolerance, predicting in advance the frustration to come helps your child’s body prepare."
"Tears are a sign of how we feel, and of the sheer strength of that feeling."
"Bodies never lie. Tears are the body’s way of sending a message about how someone is feeling."
"Confidence is not about feeling 'good,' it’s about believing, 'I really know what I feel right now.'"
"Kids who struggle to separate have trouble internalizing the soothing aspects of a parent-child relationship."
"DFKs worry that the feelings and sensations that overwhelm them are also overwhelming to others."
"We can ease separation anxiety by talking about the separation after we pick up our child at the end of the day."
"Logic is never our friend when it comes to understanding emotions, and this is never truer than with DFKs."
"One of the core fears for DFKs is that the feelings that overwhelm them will overwhelm others."
"Parents of DFKs have to commit to limiting the damage instead of solving the problem."
"Curiosity, on the other hand, sounds like: 'I wonder what’s going on for my child?'"
"Your child won’t like this. He will protest and plead: 'Wait, don’t carry me out, no no no no!!! I’ll calm down!'"
"Presence communicates goodness. It’s as if, just by being there, you’re saying, 'I’m not scared of you, you’re not bad.'"
"This is likely a huge change for you, so maybe only say, 'I hear that,' or 'I understand.'"
"Remember, we have to feel good inside to change."
"Once we ground ourselves in our internal goodness, we can look around at our behavior with more self-reflection and honesty."
"You are a person—a good person—who has recently yelled."
"Finding your internal goodness doesn’t absolve you from taking responsibility for behavior."
"You are still a good person even when you struggle. Two things are true."