Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir Quotes
"I almost lost an arm inside a cow’s vagina."
"Inside the cow’s vagina, you say? Well, that’s just…that’s fascinating."
"But still? These are the moments high school memories are made of, right?"
"I don’t think I need to tell you who the favorite in my family was."
"Do any pictures of this still exist? I realize this is probably the weirdest request you’ve ever received from a former student, and I apologize for that."
"Anyone who does drugs is a moron. Don’t do drugs. They will kill you and make your boobies fall off."
"I just wanted to see how many paragraphs I could fit in before actually starting a chapter."
"It could be anybody on the other end of the line. It could be Mr. T. Or one of the Thundercats."
"It was like autoerotic asphyxiation, except instead of being choked you get whacked in the head with a two-by-four."
"And That’s Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever."
"She takes after her father. Runs right through her."
"You’re far too adorable to go to jail. Come to my dorm room and you can steal them from me."
"There isn’t really a preface. I just wanted to see how many paragraphs I could fit in before actually starting a chapter."
"You can’t sit on the damn floor. What’re you, seven?"
"I’ve decided I’m going to be a deejay," and I replied, "Well, of course you are."
"It’s always how much it hurt to be shot yet."
"He was one of the most ardent Republicans I’d ever met, but he consistently surprised me by not sticking to any of the stereotypes I tried to fit him into."
"The dog started whining when I told him he had to stay with you, so I’m taking him too."
"I’ve poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that."
"Almost immediately after starting work in HR, I started keeping a journal about all the fantastically fucked-up stuff that people who aren’t in HR would never believe."
"What’s the word for when something that started out being funny ends up depressing the hell out of you? Insert that word here."
"This afternoon an applicant wrote that she’d been fired from her job at a gas station for sleeping on a cat."
"Today I had to talk to an employee who e-mailed a photograph of his penis to a woman in his department."
"As of today I’ve had to ask five separate men, 'Is this your penis?' after their pictures got caught in the e-mail filter."
"‘Are these your penises?’ This is a question I never thought I’d have to ask."
"‘Okay. See you tomorrow.’ I’m pretty sure she’s not being sarcastic."
"Every HR department I’ve ever worked in has secret codes that no one else knows about."
"Yesterday our boss was out, so we decided to push all the panic buttons."
"Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking."
"The first year after having a kid felt sort of foreign to me."
"One time I got stabbed in the face by a serial killer."
"Making Friends with Girls: For the majority of my life I lived with a small, terrible secret: I’ve never really liked girls."
"They actually listen to your goals, even when you’re too drunk to know what you’re saying."
"You can’t fix a problem by just not using rooms in the house."
"I was trying to make you a pizza for breakfast, and I accidentally put a bunch of towels in the oven."
"The people in my neighborhood are lucky to have me."
"He’d been looking for buried treasure with antiqued maps my dad ‘found,’ and would dig up wooden boxes filled with coins and costume jewelry and arrowheads that Daddy had buried for them."
"The call is coming from inside the house. Get out now."
"The doctor explained that I had a rare form of the disease called polyarthritis, which meant that instead of staying in a single place, the arthritis jumps around from body part to body part on an almost daily basis."
"Basically it’s like being stabbed in the neck to take your mind off your stubbed toe."
"When a medical professional tries to give you a high five because you’re not as deformed as they expected."
"I think maybe you just don’t understand what ‘degenerative’ means."
"Imagine how many people were getting bitten each day trying to oil snakes."
"It’s like being on a cliff, and you keep backing up, and you’re hoping that someone will eventually grab you and pull you back, but then you just keep backing up."
"Days when studies are released showing that booze helps stave off arthritis attacks. Those are the golden days."
"I try to accept this disease with grace, and patiently wait for the day when they find a cure."
"Victor suggested Puerto Rico, but when I looked in my heart I knew where I wanted to move."
"A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they’re the ones who helped you put them there."
"It’s like some kinda fucked-up American Gothic portrait, but with fewer pitchforks and more rappers."
"I refused to buy any that weren’t terribly old or didn’t die of natural causes."
"I considered myself an animal lover, donated to shelters, and never wore real fur."
"I knew I’d been bitten, but I also knew that if I screamed for help Hailey would freak out."
"I found out that I could put someone else’s life before mine."
"I always thought that I would, of course, give my life for Hailey."
"I’d given up my birthday wishes for my kids too. I guess it’s a sign of being a grown-up."
"I can’t think of anyplace I’d rather be. Unless it was the exact same place with an air conditioner."
"I wish for her to have love, and just enough heartbreak to appreciate it."
"I guess those would be the things I’d wish for Hailey."