The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo Quotes
"I love making people laugh and feel better."
"Everything in this book really happened. It’s all true and nothing but the truth, so help me God."
"This book isn’t my autobiography. I will write one of those when I’m ninety."
"I’m a flawed fuckup and I haven’t figured anything out, so I have no wisdom to offer you."
"What I can help with is showing you my mistakes and my pain and my laughter."
"I know what’s important to me, and that is my family and getting to laugh and enjoy life with friends."
"I’m sorry. Second of all, you’re welcome."
"We’ve had a lot of fun together. I even fought to be able to call you 'pussy' on television."
"I’ve honestly done my best as I’ve gotten older to only let people visit who will be kind to you."
"I’ve been responsible for getting you yeast infections and UTIs and have worn stockings and Spanx for too long."
"I’ve only had one one-night stand in my life."
"My vagina is a revolving door at Macy’s at Christmastime."
"I’m not in this for the dick. I enjoy sex the normal amount."
"I’m usually still a fairly self-protective chick, and the thought of some mystery cock entering me doesn’t get my pulse going."
"Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re shy. It means you enjoy being alone."
"I skip the food service tables and rush to my trailer or a quiet corner and I meditate."
"The unintentional training I received when I was little was that because I was a girl and an actor, I must love being pleasant all the time."
"I feel lucky to live in America—where people will treat someone like me (trash) as if they come from bloodlines with Benjamins streaming through them."
"In England, they are not as impressed with people who have made their own dough within their lifetime."
"I am like a rapper, but a manageable one."
"I’m glad I struggled. I think I’d be an asshole if my money were anything other than the 'new' kind."
"I never liked the new, plush, cute animals—the kind with rainbows and hearts that they always market to little girls."
"I like these horrifying, broke-down creatures from yesteryear."
"I have a two-headed bear that I never named."
"I’ve gotten a lot of stuffed animals from boyfriends over the years."
"When I was fourteen my dad shit himself at an amusement park."
"My heart broke for Kim. So I hopped on my bike and rode straight to those girls' houses and yelled at them."
"I’m going to see a psychologist this Thursday. I don’t want to, but I know it’s necessary."
"I think I care too much about how people feel about me."
"I’ve gotten to first base, which is French Kissing, but I think I’m ready for 2nd."
"I am pretty sure that’s why I officially became a woman that day."
"I became a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner."
"You become a woman the first time your heart breaks."
"You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend."
"I became a woman because I turned a solemn, quiet room into a place filled with unexpected laughter."
"What a feeling, to furiously roll silverware into napkins and then take that first step outside, breathing the air, knowing that you’re now on your own time."
"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
"I want to feel what it's like to be considered really hot. I hate that that is such a priority to me. But right now it just is."
"I felt so stifled and useless during childhood. I wanted to contribute."
"I’ve worked so many jobs over the years, and have experienced all of the unique and specific humiliations that came along with each one."
"Nothing feels better than running the show on my own now."
"Even at a job I hated, I always loved the feeling I’d get when I was done."
"My sales were among the top there. I’d offer things that weren’t on the menu, like a surf and turf, which just meant I’d charge them for a lobster and a filet. I was indeed an asshole."
"I’m sick of feeling confident and then suddenly self-conscious. It’s too hard."
"I pictured teaching a little girl how to swim and was already patting myself on the back for being such a great person: Saint Amy."
"Sorry, girls this age, but if you can, just skip the self-hatred and the striving to be some other type of girl. Just let that phase pass you by and love yourself how you are."
"Many people think I have this unshakable confidence, so I hope this look into my most intimate thoughts will support the idea that loving yourself takes time. Like any healthy relationship, it doesn’t happen overnight."
"I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you."
"I think nudity has the potential to be both beautiful and hilarious, so when given the chance, I pull a Porky Pig on my TV show."
"When you have the disease of being a comic, and you see someone else with some talent and respect for comedy, you want to help."
"I want to be with him, and I imagined us on campus together holding hands, proving that I was lovable."
"I had caught the bug. I was totally and completely addicted to stand-up, to getting better at it, and it was working."
"I am such a loud little sassafras onstage, but in real life I like to keep a very low profile, and those guys took every opportunity to destroy any hope I had of blending in."
"Your power comes from who you are and what you do! You don’t need all that noise, that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you’re good enough."
"I remember thinking it was strange that a lot of other comics I knew would do more than one show a night. I could feel their insatiable hunger for stage time and I pitied them."
"Despite my predicament, I was still convinced I was going to perform that night."
"It’s the only show I’ve ever had to cancel from illness."
"Turns out the wrestler had led a campaign among his followers to get me to follow him."
"He was so physically perfect, smart, funny, and kind."
"We didn’t have good chemistry but I was flattered."
"We didn’t judge or want anything from each other."
"I am worthy of being in front of the camera."
"I was one of those kids who grew up thinking my mom was a saint."
"I had to witness Mia’s mother sitting on our doorstep, begging my mom not to do this to her family."
"I’ve made a whole career out of pointing this out and reliving it in ridiculous ways so everyone can laugh and cry along with me."
"Vaginas are supposed to look and smell like vaginas."
"Sometimes when a sad and complicated set of circumstances lands you in the emotional and physical gutter, all you can do is laugh."
"I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them. They make me human."
"There’s something beautiful about truly being there for another person."
"Being scrutinized for the ten years since I was first on a reality show has made me feel invincible."
"Most women I know are far less afraid of being physically hurt than they are of being called ugly or fat."
"Beautiful, ugly, funny, boring, smart or not, my vulnerability is my ultimate strength."
"I’m a strong, grown-ass woman who’s been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by men and women I trusted and cared about."
"When your fears come true, you realize they weren’t as bad as you thought. The fear is more painful than the insult."
"I’m proud of this ability to laugh at myself—even if everyone can see my tears, just like they can see my dumb, senseless, wack, lame lower back tattoo."