Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets, & Advice For Living Your Best Life Quotes
"A joke is never finished. There’s always more material to write. A joke can always age or get stale. It ain’t music, where Mariah can sing 'All I Want for Christmas' over and over."
"I immediately regretted signing the deal because I was terrified of the task at hand."
"I was legitimately trying to win the quiz and get the cash prize of five hundred dollars to spend immediately upon landing in Vegas."
"I do not know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator or a turtle and a tortoise or a sandwich and a panini."
"If a hospital has great food it’s probably a terrible hospital."
"For a woman, though, it’s four opportunities to get raped and/or killed."
"If we did get together I didn’t want it to be just a one-night stand, and I didn’t want to surprise him later on with my crazy."
"In stand-up comedy, you don’t get paid for any shows if you’re not present."
"But if you let anyone there touch your bướm you will have a very bad life."
"I felt guilty in that moment, but the truth is that I feel guilty all the time for not cooking more, for not reading more, and for not being there every single night to put each of you to bed."
"With the skills I learned from LCC, an Asian American student theater group I joined at UCLA, I produced and promoted my own shows right away."
"You like to save money and take care of your body. I like to go to the mall and eat hot dogs."
"Mama loves you but it’s so important to get out of your hometown and get the fuck away from your family."
"Part of what was so liberating about being onstage was that I could say whatever I wanted without having loved ones comment on it."
"I loved the anonymity of my conversations with an audience."
"I was twenty-six at the time, and there were girls who were just out of college ordering me around."
"The worst thing about being a woman in stand-up is that you are always forced to socialize with male stand-up comics’ girlfriends."
"I love women. They always bring snacks and smell nice and read fiction and enjoy hot beverages and sitting down while eating."
"The biggest challenge in stand-up for me was the opening joke."
"My parents didn’t tell me what to do or how to live because they were so occupied with the slow process of giving up on my brother."
"A wedding is an excuse to finally get a glam squad and peacock-feather the shit out of your inner goddess."
"I straight up refuse to go to a restaurant if it’s not well reviewed on Yelp."
"My parents exposed me to all the Wong Kar Wai films at a very early age."
"I had to memorize dialogue like 'If you use the tDCS I built you, the occipital lobe should demonstrate imaging of the new aneurysm.'"
"I wore the same $19.99 digital Casio watch that I’ve had forever."
"My favorite was his metal, life-sized chicken that would walk and lay metal eggs."
"The best word to describe parenting is 'relentless.'"
"I believe in my heart that their frugality caused me my dad’s Raynaud’s."
"He [my father] worked his ass off to become a great anesthesiologist."
"A wedding is not an excuse to Instagram or drink Moscow Mules."
"Chinese people believe a wedding should be a profitable venture to favorably position the newly married couple for the journey ahead."
"Nothing was expensive. We were slurping, cracking, chewing, and laughing with the people we loved most."
"Do not get high and then go on Indiana Jones. Consider this your one and only warning."
"A wedding is not a marriage. It’s one day of celebration, one of hopefully many with the love of your life."
"I have zero regrets about how your father and I got married."
"I dated men who never went to college or graduated from high school when they were at the age where they should’ve graduated from college…when I was still in high school."
"The word "wet" made products one hundred percent more appealing to me as a teen."
"I dated an older man because the Asian American classmates my age didn’t make me feel older."
"I shoplifted because it was thrilling to get something for free, to not have to ask permission from my parents to get makeup."