My Horizontal Life: A Collection Of One-Night Stands Quotes
"The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out."
"The great thing about sleeping with a midget is that first you get to have sex with them and then you can use them as a pillow."
"I want you to hit me," he said with a big ugly grin.
"It's the pain of being betrayed by the person with whom you've fallen in love."
"I had to act on it. I saw Lydia and Ivory out of the corner of my eye start to drool and told them to step off. 'He's mine.'"
"You know, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around."
"I confided in you! I was a virgin up until a month ago! And I thought we had a real connection. You really are some piece of work, mister!"
"I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay."
"Rock bottom is for sissies, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat, for Christ sakes. You don't just give up!"
"Unless you're playing Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. I've got plans."
"I love men. There's something truly wonderful about a man who knows how to take a woman."
"Of course, I had seen this all before when he was on stage, but now I was living out every girl and gay guy's fantasy."
"It felt like sleeping next to a rhinoceros. His body was so big, I felt petite next to him."
"I'm not that stupid... I thought maybe it was love."
"I'm really sorry. It's okay, I understand," I lied.
"Well, onward and upward. It's not that I hadn't had my heart broken before."
"You're a really great girl and we've been having a blast, but I think we both know that this is not something that's going any farther."
"I once dated a guy for a couple of hours."
"I'm not the most sophisticated girl in the world, but my brother Ray is a chef, and it didn't take me long to figure out what was worth eating and what was worth skipping for more alcohol."
"I'm an egalitarian that way. I don't play favorites."
"I think we both know that will make you very sad."
"I'm not doing charity work here. I couldn't have sex with him just because I felt bad."
"This is gonna be fantastic," Greg said to me on his way into the kitchen.
"I was not doing charity work here. I couldn't have sex with him just because I felt bad."
"I had never taken a guy home to my apartment before because I knew Dumb Dumb had an aversion to strangers, especially men."
"I had this really bad habit of lying compulsively when I drink."
"I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin."
"Their laughter is hard to get, but once you have it, they really let go."
"I was struggling to come up with ways to get him to leave, but I was too exhausted."
You better not!" she yelled. "I'd kill you! Do you think I'll meet someone? Do you think I will? What if I meet my husband on the cruise ship? It's going to be so romantic!
"Your father asked me to help set up the chairs for the ceremony. I think he likes me!"
"I'll take a Ketel One with anything. Two of them."
"That's not the point, dear. It's just better if everyone's names are displayed so that the lines of communication have already opened."
"Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?"
"You are going to die!" Dumb Dumb exploded.
"I'd roll over, crack my eyes open and say, 'Why not?'"
"You have got one hell of a little lady here, and if you don't wake up and smell the cappuccino, somebody else will."
"I think you might be right," he whispered back.
"Listen, I got a husband, so it's up to you, but I would hate to see you miss an opportunity to get some booty. Especially from someone who sounds like marriage material."
"Kennedy, Schmennedy, let's talk about Biggie Smalls and Tupac. That's where some real shit went down."
"I have a body like a Latin American; when I gain weight it distributes itself evenly, but only from the waist up."
"I looked like two sticks with a baked potato on top."
"You don't need a fender for a car to work."
"God knows she's never listened to me or her mother."
"I think Chelsea's going to be taking a break from men for a while. I'm gonna try and get her ass a husband."
"She could write a book about all the men she's been involved with."