Life Will Be The Death Of Me: . . . And You Too! Quotes
"Rich people have descending smart televisions."
"How many more hits of marijuana would I need to get through this movie?"
"How did I become so useless? And how many assistants did I actually have?"
"Before I met Tanner, I thought Venmo was an online liquor store."
"Did he realize that most television hosts don’t even make the time to watch movies and TV shows to prepare for each of their upcoming guests?"
"There was a time when all of this mattered to me."
"This is fucking awesome. This is exactly what I’d hoped adulthood would be."
"I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities and veneers to thank for my midlife crisis."
"How could I be an elitist without ever having gone to college?"
"Temperature and ice are two of my most learned subject matters."
"I’m not embarrassed by my feelings for Robert Mueller."
"I’m sick of my voice, of my ambition, of my entitlement."
"And after all is said and done, I’d like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over Bob Mueller’s grave."
"I needed to talk to someone but I was embarrassed that I needed to talk to someone."
"I wanted to break my pattern of ending friendships and relationships on a dime because someone did something that I found unforgivable."
"Older dogs are special because they have had more rejection. Their hope is gone and, even though no one seems to know exactly how old any rescue dog is, when you adopt an older dog you are cramming their last years with love."
"I have always believed you can erase bad memories with twice as many good ones."
"The first thing my mother did when she woke up was take a nap."
"You don’t know your own strength. Please use it for something good."
"I didn’t know he lost his gas station after working six nights a week, that he was held up at gunpoint, that he came home early every Wednesday night, with corned beef and pastrami sandwiches, because he wanted time with his family."
"Be careful of the people you make fun of because you will most likely turn into one of them."
"I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I’m going to behave, and I choose to be better."
"Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story."
"My grace is grit, and my dignity is outrage."
"She was always ready with new unconditional love."
"It takes an asshole to make an asshole. You got it from your father."
"You’re not having a baby. You’ll ruin your life."
"I always had a knee-jerk reaction to things I didn’t like hearing."
"My mom would tell him not to talk about me like that—that I was in pain and I needed to get it out of my system."
"My best friend from high school told me many years later that my mom was the first person to tell her she loved her."
"The day of the funeral, I headed upstairs to my mom’s medicine cabinet."
"I grew up with people always telling me that I looked like my mother."
"Whereas siblings tend to police you, cousins are your partners in crime."
"My sister is quiet-funny. She’s not like me. Where I roar, she giggles."
"I had no jealousy about that. Shana drove me crazy because I thought she was a prude and a tattletale, but I was never jealous of her."
"We were now living in a time and place where fondling my cleaning lady was no longer acceptable—no matter how welcome those advances appeared to be."
"I have had an infinite amount of love for all my dogs, but these two were the first ones whose love I had to work for."
"I send her pictures of Bert sitting at her office door after she has left for the afternoon, awaiting her return."
"If someone logged the amount of time I spend petting Bert and Bernice, I’d probably be arrested."
"I loved pot when I first discovered it in high school—or pretended I did, because I thought it made me look cool."
"The legalization of marijuana in California raised standards at dispensaries."
"I’ve turned straight-arrow people into people I can actually spend time with."
"After Trump was elected I came the closest I’d ever been to depressed."
"I’ve never woken up feeling like I didn’t belong."
"Someone explained to me that for someone who’s lived with privilege their whole life, equality feels like a loss."
"I didn’t know about attachment figures before I met Dan."
"Strength doesn’t have to eclipse vulnerability. Vulnerability is strength."
"I was starting to feel less desultory about the state of the country. I was starting to feel purposeful."
"The world is only getting browner and gayer, and if you don’t hop on board, you’re going to miss the bus."