Straight Man Quotes
"Truth be told, I’m not an easy man. I can be an entertaining one, though it’s been my experience that most people don’t want to be entertained. They want to be comforted."
"That I am almost never entertained by what entertains other people who just want to be entertained doesn’t make us philosophically incompatible. It just means we shouldn’t go to movies together."
"The academic position he favored was the 'distinguished visiting professor' variety, usually created for him, duration of visit a year or two at most, perhaps because it’s hard to remain distinguished among people who know you."
"What did I want for Christmas? A dog. What did I want for my birthday? A dog. What did I want on my ham sandwich? A dog."
"I was not really a bad boy. Just a noisy, busy, constantly needy boy."
"My father, partly to avoid having to answer my questions, spent most of his time in his book-lined office on campus, joining my mother and me only at mealtimes."
"She came to understand that she was fighting a battle she couldn’t win and that she was fighting it alone."
"The screen door swung shut on a tight spring, the straight wooden edge of the door encountering the doorframe like a gunshot."
"I did better, remembering about half the time not to let the door slam. When I forgot, I came back in to apologize, sometimes forgetting then too."
"The animal was, I suppose, what might have been called a handsome dog. A purebred, rust-colored Irish setter, meticulously groomed, wonderfully mannered."
"There’s nothing more real to him at this moment than a wasp sting."
"I bet if I had that flashlight I could find something ugly on you too."
"You want someone to asphyxiate you with insecticide?"
"Much as you sleep, there’s a good chance you will."
"Menstruation always was the real red badge of courage."
"I guess I should have taken more of an interest."
"You’re supposed to know. You’re supposed to pay attention."
"It's not true," Teddy tries to explain. "It's a joke. He just likes to cause trouble."
"I know there's no need to respond to Tony when he introduces subjects in this fashion, so I work on my lock, which is tricky and usually requires two or three correct applications of the combination."
"We’re here on the campus of Podunk College speaking with an authority on every goddamn thing. And what is your name, sir?"
"I’m not easy," he reminds us, "but I can be had."
"You're not him at all," she repeats, and turns away.
"Are you all right?" I ask her, not sure what I mean by the question.
"Mind you, I don’t care how I myself am portrayed in your writings, but I do wish you wouldn’t give the impression that your father was a fool."
"The only thing real to you"—Solange puts Macbeth in her bag—"is her bloody snatch. Grow up."
"And then it dawns on me that I must be talking to the boy's father. Has he moved back in? Have he and Rachel reconciled?"
"There’s no denying the beauty of this brisk spring day in Pennsylvania, no denying that I now feel much, much better."
"When I was in school such language would have resulted in fistfights and a trip to the principal’s office."
"Mind if I ask you kind of a personal question?"
"I didn’t love to read until about then. It’s the love that makes the rut."
"If we don’t do it, somebody else will. Somebody who may be less discriminating than we are."
"Sometimes when he’s drinking, he remembers he’s got a son? Also he likes to drop by at night, to make sure I’m not seeing anyone?"
"I always discuss everything with Lila," I tell him. "Lila’s one shrewd cookie."
"You can’t stop a tidal wave. All you can do is find high ground and take your friends with you."
"Marriage is essentially a ball-busting experience."
"They’re that confident. They’re watching us scurry around like bugs."
"Mediocrity is a reasonable goal for our institution."
"If I could piss on that little prick's grave, I’d consider it my gift to higher education."
"I haven’t even had my coffee. What have I done?"
"We’re an English department. Let’s act like one."
"Most people who don’t call their doctors when they should, have perfectly good reasons."
"Regular checkups and you wouldn’t have these emergencies."
"Pain was last week. Discomfort, the week before that. This week my back teeth are floating."
"Getting married is something you do despite compelling reasons."
"How come you didn’t tell your friends? - I did."
"I can’t pee because I don’t want to play first base? That’s your diagnosis?"
"It’s the favorite organ of all intellectuals."
"Once dignity is surrendered, there are plenty of options."
"What he wants me to understand is how, under the right circumstances, a person you love can be ugly, repulsive."
"My point is that, when she had a choice between her husband and an inanimate object, she chose the chair."
"Actually, I was going to say it proves she knows where to plant the knife."
"I wanted my marriage and I wanted my wife. Hell, I even liked the damn chair."
"She just knows how much it will hurt you if she acts like she does."
"It was my inch to give, and I couldn’t give it."
"The image of Julie on the floor has burned onto the retina of his mind’s eye."
"Now it was her scene to play out as she chose."
"Because it can’t go forward, he can only keep going over and over how he got where he is."
"Whoever was sick, was sitting in this chair."
"I thought maybe you’d nodded off there for a minute."
"The mystery of human affection, especially as it pertains to desire, is a spiritual matter."
"You feel affection for your wife but also, if I’m not mistaken, for other women?"
"You begin to consider that you have a lot to offer women."
"You’re half in love with other women who are not your wife."
"For a man who’s suffered a major collapse, he’s still got a hell of a purpose to his stride."
"Something like this should never be abandoned. What possesses people?"
"I feel almost as though I had sinned against that man."
"If you have to fuck yourself over to surprise them, so be it."
"You are the physical embodiment of the perversity principle."
"Your mother says you’re going through a midlife crisis."
"For every complex problem, there is a simple solution. And it’s always wrong."
"Women are always telling me I can’t see anything from a woman’s point of view."
"Most people have a finite amount of meanness in them."