Best The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read [and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did] Quotes by Philippa Perry

"Children do not do what we say; they do what we do."

"You don't have to do everything that was done to you; you can ditch the things that were unhelpful."

"It's easy to fall into making instant judgements or assumptions about our emotional reaction without considering that it may be as much to do with what's being triggered in our own background as with what's happening now."

"Acknowledging a child's feeling as unimportant is potentially harmful to their future mental health."

"When we tell our children off for feeling bad we are giving them two things to cry about."

"Children, like the rest of us, tend to do as they are done to."

"Being sensitive to feelings and following rupture with repair is always better than stand-offs, battlegrounds, and winning and losing."

"It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found."

"We are formed into adults by our childhood experiences – it’s the fundamental way in which we humans develop."

"All parents make mistakes, and it is putting these right that matters more than the mistakes themselves."

"When you feel anger – or any other difficult emotions – in response to something your child has done or requested, it’s a good idea to think of it as a warning."

"Facing up to the less acceptable ways we might want to act can also bring up feelings of shame."

"There is nothing like becoming a parent to teach us that human beings feel before they can think."

"If you were brought up being disapproved of for having inconvenient feelings, it is all too easy to revert to that same model with your own child."

"If we separate the content of what Elaine is doing into a process, it goes like this: First, recognize the voice. Don’t engage with it or argue with it. Expand your comfort zone."

"Denying your child’s feelings can start to alienate this person with whom you want a loving, life-long relationship."

"Denying unhappiness doesn’t make it go away, it just digs it in a layer deeper."

"When we feel bad, we don’t need to be fixed. We want to be felt with rather than dealt with."

"Realize that your child is only telling you what they feel and use this as an opportunity to connect with them."

"You do not have to wait until your child can talk to validate their feelings and take them seriously."

"The distinction between ‘silly’ and ‘not silly’ is so clear to us we might assume it is to a child as well."

"If you treat your child’s sadness, anger and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, then you will deepen your bond with them."

"Happiness, like all feelings, comes and goes."

"It isn’t possible to be scolded, or even distracted, into happiness."

"The more fully you accept and love your child no matter what their experience is and how they feel about it, the more capacity for happiness they will have."

"As a mother, I felt as if I was wrong all the time."

"When my baby cried it grated on me rather than making me want to soothe him."

"I thought if I told him or anyone just how useless I felt they would judge me."

"Realizing I wasn’t a freak and other people were going through the same thing was what made the depression begin to shift."

"Our sticky start doesn’t seem to have done much damage."

"Remember: your experience and your feelings after a baby comes into your life are not right and they are not wrong."

"What is so important is not to compare our own private room of difficult feelings to other people’s public face of parenting."

"We owe it to them and to ourselves to take a course that has the greatest likelihood of resulting in a healthy mind and body."

"The most primary bond of all is that of child and parent, parent and child."

"A child whose person and point of view is respected learns innately to respect others."

"In a dialogue, whether it’s just looks and gestures or includes sounds or speech, both parties affect each other."

"What creates your bond and your relationship is give and take."

"Where we feel most frustrated and find relationships to be the most unsatisfactory is when we do not have an impact."

"Being available to observe, listen and engage with your child in a way that makes them feel safe, loved and valuable is an investment in their default mood."

"Playing is your baby’s and your child’s work – and needs to be respected as such."

"Children thrive when they have multi-aged playmates."

"If you consistently behave with kind consideration towards your children and towards other people, then your children will probably follow suit … eventually."

"We all behave better when we’re not desperate for more contact and connection, when we feel we belong."

"Children learn their behaviour from how they are treated."

"The best way of getting your kids interested in chores, for example filling and emptying the dishwasher, is to let them play with whatever it is when they are toddlers."

"When your child acts out in frustration, it is probably due to similar circumstances [as adults]."

"Being a parent is always going to be time consuming. It is better to put in that time positively by pre-empting trouble rather than negatively, after the trouble has arisen."

"It’s helpful when we want a child to stop one behavior if we suggest an alternative way of being."

"It takes time to put things into words but when a child is upset they’ll find it even harder to find the words, so it is up to you."

"Everyone needs attention, whatever age they are."

"I’m happy to report that as Gina learned to slow down, Aoife’s behaviour became more convenient."

"You cannot just live your separate life and then barge into Matt’s life and say, ‘I want you to do this.’"

"The real work of parenting is not the tidying, it is being with your children and helping them to develop."

"If you are not a safe person to talk to, who can they turn to when they are being bullied at school, or feel spooked by the sexual overtones of their judo instructor?"

"The more judgemental you are, the more punitive you are, the more you will stop your child confiding in you."

"Our pride in our adult children means a lot to them, quite often more than the admiration and praise of others."