The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Quotes
"I wish either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me."
"Pray, my Dear, quoth my mother, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?"
"Then, positively, there is nothing in the question that I can see, either good or bad."
"The Homunculus, Sir, in however low and ludicrous a light he may appear, in this age of levity, to the eye of folly or prejudice;—to the eye of reason in scientifick research, he stands confess’d—a Being guarded and circumscribed with rights."
"That I should neither think nor act like any other man’s child."
"I know there are readers in the world, as well as many other good people in it, who are no readers at all, who find themselves ill at ease, unless they are let into the whole secret from first to last, of everything which concerns you."
"In the same village where my father and my mother dwelt, dwelt also a thin, upright, motherly, notable, good old body of a midwife."
"I solemnly declare to all mankind, that the above dedication was made for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Potentate."
"The fortunes of thy house shall totter,—thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it."
"The mind should be accustomed to make wise reflections, and draw curious conclusions as it goes along."
"My father had extensive views of things, and stood moreover, as he thought, deeply concerned in it for the publick good."
"There was little danger, he would say, of losing our liberties by French politicks or French invasions."
"I must beg leave, before I finish this chapter, to enter a caveat in the breast of my fair reader."
"This, he would say, look'd ill; and had, moreover, this particular aggravation in it, viz., That when once a vile name was wrongfully or injudiciously given, ’twas not like the case of a man’s character, which, when wrong'd, might hereafter be cleared."
"Trust me, dear Yorick, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties."
"Papist! You told me no such thing, Sir."
"How could you, Madam, be so inattentive in reading the last chapter?"
"Un Chirurgien Accoucheur, represente à Messieurs les Docteurs de Sorbonne."
"It is about an hour and a half’s tolerable good reading since my uncle Toby rung the bell."
"Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor Slop."
"You are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, had it been fifty times as much."
"Imagine to yourself, Obadiah mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horse."
"I'll not hurt thee, says my uncle Toby, rising from his chair."
"It is the consumption of our products, as well as the manufactures of them, which gives bread to the hungry."
"But pray, Dr. Slop, quoth my father, upon what principles was this selfsame chariot set a-going?"
"But the doctor, Sir, was a Papist. No matter; he had better have kept hold of the pummel."
"For in crossing himself he let go his whip."
"I would not, I would not, brother Toby, have my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, pallisadoes, ravelins, half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor of Namur."
"Brother Toby, you would try the patience of Job."
"Then, brother Toby, replied my father, I will tell you."
"We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him and make satisfaction."
"I wish, Dr. Slop, you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders."
"I have ever a strong propensity to look into things which cross my way, by such strange fatalities as these."
"I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle Toby, for such a thing as a sermon to have got into my Stevinus."
"May the Father who created man, curse him. May the Son who suffered for us, curse him. May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him."
"The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a mathematical exactness, does it not show us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?"
"Maledicat illumos sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illumos sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum."
"In the case of knots, then, and of the several obstructions which they cast in our way in getting through life, every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them."
"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour."
"Now don’t let us give ourselves a parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own."
"I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not a horse worth riding on, to kiss the hand of that man whose generous heart will give up the reins of his imagination into his author’s hands."
"Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humour—give me—I ask no more, but one stroke of native humour, with a single spark of thy own fire along with it."
"Of all the cants which are canted in this canting world—though the cant of hypocrites may be the worst⸺the cant of criticism is the most tormenting!"
"Human nature is the same in all professions."
"What a life of it has an author, at this pass!"
"Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enough, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow?"
"Generous souls!—God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too!"
"By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of _Shandy Hall_⸻the parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign."
"When I reflect, brother Toby, upon man; and take a view of that dark side of him which represents his life as open to so many causes of trouble—when I consider, brother Toby, how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the portion of our inheritance⸺I was born to nothing, quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting my father—but my commission."
"What a chapter of chances, said my father, turning himself about upon the first landing, as he and my uncle Toby were going downstairs—what a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us!"
"Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother Toby, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall upon and break down that one part, which should break down the fortunes of our house with it."
"It might have been worse, replied my uncle Toby.⸺I don’t comprehend, said my father.⸻Suppose the hip had presented, replied my uncle Toby, as Dr. Slop foreboded."
"Is it not a shame to make two chapters of what passed in going down one pair of stairs? for we are got no farther yet than to the first landing, and there are fifteen more steps down to the bottom; and for aught I know, as my father and my uncle Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters as steps."
"The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myself by in this affair—and if I had one—as I do all things out of all rule—I would twist it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had done—Am I warm? I am, and the cause demands it⸺a pretty story! is a man to follow rules⸻or rules to follow him?"
"We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the landing.—This Trismegistus, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle _Toby_⸺was the greatest (Toby) of all earthly beings—he was the greatest king⸺the greatest lawgiver⸺the greatest philosopher⸺and the greatest priest⸺and engineer—said my uncle Toby."
"—And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to Susannah, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand—how does your mistress? As well, said Susannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.—What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back again—let things be as they will, brother Toby, ’tis ever the precise answer⸺And how is the child, pray?⸺No answer. And where is Dr. Slop? added my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the ballusters—Susannah was out of hearing."
"Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle _Toby_⸺of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state,⸺of which you may trust me, brother Toby, there are more asses loads than all Job’s stock of asses could have carried⸺there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this—that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady’s gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together."
"I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that ’tis we who sink an inch lower.—If I meet but a woman with child—I do it.—’Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy, said my uncle _Toby_—’Tis a piteous burden upon ’em, continued he, shaking his head—Yes, yes, ’tis a painful thing—said my father, shaking his head too⸺but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs."
"God bless ’em all—said my uncle Toby and my father, each to himself."
"My father was as proud of his eloquence as Marcus Tullius Cicero could be for his life."
"Philosophy has a fine saying for everything. For Death, it has an entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed into my father’s head."
"'Tis an inevitable chance—the first statute in Magna Charta—it is an everlasting act of parliament, my dear brother,⸺All must die."
"To die, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature."
"Where is Troy and Mycenæ, and Thebes and Delos, and Persepolis and Agrigentum? What is become of Nineveh and Babylon, of Cizicum and Mitylenæ?"
"Returning out of Asia, when I sailed from Ægina towards Megara, I began to view the country round about. Alas! that man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when so much as this lies awfully buried in his presence."
"There is not such great odds, brother Toby, betwixt good and evil, as the world imagines."
"Labour, sorrow, grief, sickness, want, and woe, are the sauces of life."
"My son is dead! So much the better; it’s a shame in such a tempest to have but one anchor."
"Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate of envy after it,—it unlooses the chain of the captive, and puts the bondsman’s task into another man’s hands."
"Show me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads it, and I’ll show thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty."
"Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from love and melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life, than, like a galled traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begin his journey afresh?"
"There is no terror, brother Toby, in its looks, but what it borrows from groans and convulsions."
"The world itself, brother Toby, must—must come to an end."
"The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a high metaphor."
"Sciences may be learned by rote, but Wisdom not."
"I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, to determine in which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in physiology or divinity."
"There are a thousand unnoticed openings, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man's soul."
"The accusing spirit blushed as he gave it in."
"Thou art a good-natured soul, I will answer for thee."
"I am as much in love, sister, I believe, as any man usually is."
"That of all the several ways of beginning a book which are now in practice throughout the known world, I am confident my own way of doing it is the best."
"Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs."
"There is nothing in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my uncle Toby, during the time he was in love."
"My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations."
"I think, an' please your honour, the fortifications are quite destroyed."
"I believe in my conscience I intercept many a thought which heaven intended for another man."
"Nature had moreover wrote Gentleman with so fair a hand in every line of his countenance."
"Nothing in this world could have cooperated more powerfully towards this, than my uncle Toby’s blue and gold."
"Now my uncle Toby did fear; and grievously too."
"As Tom’s place, an’ please your honour, was easy—and the weather warm—it put him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world."
"Poor fellow! said my uncle Toby, feelingly."
"A negro has a soul? an’ please your honour, said the corporal (doubtingly)."
"I am not much versed, corporal, quoth my uncle Toby, in things of that kind; but I suppose, God would not leave him without one, any more than thee or me."
"Every letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen."
"Nothing, _Trim_⸺said my uncle Toby, musing⸺"
"I dare say, quoth my mother⸻⸻But stop, dear Sir⸺for what my mother dared to say upon the occasion⸺and what my father did say upon it⸺with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon—or to say it all in a word, shall be thumb’d over by Posterity in a chapter apart⸺I say, by Posterity—and care not, if I repeat the word again—for what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses, or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?"