Is This Anything? Quotes
"Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things."
"You really find out what you’re made of on the Bumper Cars."
"I don’t even want to see what happens when they crank up some of that equipment."
"I have never needed a cotton ball. Never."
"They look over, 'This is nice. This is more like it. I think we should sit together like this all the time.'"
"What do they see in their little square oat cereal that makes them think that it should be named after our very existence?"
"‘Hey look, there’s a whole other room in there. There’s a guy in there that looks just like me.’"
"That would be the first roller coaster where the people scream on the flat part of the ride."
"The disguise? A pair of glasses. That’s it."
"‘Grandpa, you mean when you were a kid, no dogs could vote?’"
"‘You have a room. You have a bed. That’s your ride.’"
"‘Who touched the thermostat in here? You know, I set it there… for a reason.’"
"Adults touch every pocket on their clothes when they’re looking for something."
"Men love the suit so much, we’ve actually styled our pajamas to look like a tiny suit."
"Even if you ruin an appetite, there’s another appetite coming right behind it."
"You crawl in, ‘I think I’ll just live here from now on.’"
"It’s the only wallet where you take the time to fill out the I.D. card that comes with the wallet."
"‘Only 25¢ for a chance at serious injury? That’s good value.’"
"‘Are these the 9…? Or the 9½…? I… just… can’t… seem… to… feel… my… feet…’"
"I spent 99% of my time as a Cub Scout just trying to get my hat back."
"‘Come on, buddy, let’s go… You get past me, the guy behind me has a spoon.’"
"‘Where’s your suit? You can’t take gym without your suit.’"
"I was reading this article about how to dress for cold weather. And they said that 75% of all body heat is lost through the top of the head."
"‘Listen, son, you’re not really cutting the mustard out there on that lawn.’"
"To me, if it’s forcing you to use the door to get out of the room, it’s working."
"Legs get all tense and quivery. ‘What’s happening here…? What’s going on?’"
"‘You know god has given you a special talent.’"
"‘Boy, how about the foam balls on that guy?’"
"‘Whooosh… Yes. I see what they’re saying.’"
"We don’t know what we want. We only know that we don’t want what we have."
"You ever get to that point of watching TV where you’re so out of it… So beat. So wasted."
"The basic problem with TV is everybody you see on TV is doing something better than what you’re doing."
"If you see only one movie this year, why go at all? You obviously don’t like going to the movies."
"The whole reason you go there is for NOT TV."
"Why such heavy security? Who is stealing the old people?"
"You can signal this week, then turn any following year of your life."
"Nobody will explain anything to you in a movie theater once you get confused."
"They think we don’t notice them making these little changes on us, but we do."
"And the finger will be going like, 'Okay, I’m dead… Let’s see what else is on.'"
"Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel."
"You’re talking with somebody. Click the button. Get a new person."
"If you’re engaged and you don’t want to get married… It’s a little tense."
"It’s like the Mattress Store commercial, 'No Payments ’til June.'"
"Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today."
"My only theory is, when you’re driving: You’re outside and you’re inside."
"We’re rooting for laundry. That’s really all sports is."
"The Silver is like, 'Congratulations, you ALMOST won. Of all the losers, you were the best.'"
"If you’re a crook, how does it feel when you have to pay for something?"
"Who is stealing the old people? What are they worth?"
"The first time I could afford a maid I couldn’t handle the guilt."
"It’s like they feel we need a highlighter. Don’t tell me where to look."
"The tuxedo is the world’s most rented clothing. Needed only for quick scams and flimflams."
"Just once I would like to say to the doctor, 'You know what? I’m not ready for you yet.'"
"I think eventually fashion won’t even exist. And we’ll all just wear the same thing."
"Because any time you see a movie or TV show where there’s people from the future or another planet, they’re all wearing the same outfit."
"Nobody wants to go to your wedding. We’re not looking forward to it."
"Why is it necessary to ruin the day of 150 other people?"
"I don’t know how it got up that high in the first place. So, you’ve got to aim the showerhead… at the hair."
"That you have a piece of food on your face?"
"I don’t need to see people dance that have not otherwise moved in the past 5 years."
"The best part of the wedding, from the male perspective, is it’s the only possible situation where you’re essentially gathering this woman’s entire family together and announcing to them, 'I am now going to have sex with your daughter.'"
"Divorce is a big change. It’s rare that you hear about a divorce that didn’t work out."
"You can really get sick of yourself when you’re single."
"Marriage is a sacred bond, yes. But it’s also a nice way to tell a lot of people to get lost."
"It’s all about listening. A lot of wives complain that their husbands do not listen… I’ve never heard my wife say this… she may have… I don’t know."
"The other problem I have being married, is I can no longer pretend to be interested in the dating problems of my single friends."
"The female brain is one of the most competent and capable organs in all of the biological universe."
"Being married is like being on a game show and you’re always in the Lightning Round."
"A wife is not a relationship. A wife is an extra head mounted next to your head."
"I was not aware, how often I speak, in the incorrect tone."
"Men want the same thing from our underwear that we want from the women in our lives."
"Blindness is THE handicap to have in dating."
"We see your lips. You don’t need to put a ground marker."
"We live in a *69, caller ID, caller ID block, kind of world."
"The female brain is cooking all the time."
"What was I saying…? What was I saying…?"
"Here’s the mathematical equation of coffee."
"Orange juice is never 'like fresh squeezed' enough."
"Who got that assignment? Who had a can of almonds slammed on their desk?"
"Everyone’s trying to lose a little weight. Not one person has ever lost one ounce ever."
"I see the Raisin Bran people are still caught up in their own personal madness."
"I still can’t believe that every single day of my life I see people picking up their dog’s defecation with their hands."
"I’d like to say something to all the men in the audience about nose hair."
"My favorite suicide bomber’s the guy who accidentally blows himself up without injuring anyone else in the area."
"One of the things we do have on our side in this war is we seem to have a lot of films of terrorist groups in their training camps."
"There’s a particular motorcycle helmet I see a lot on the streets lately that I don’t get."
"People love the car horn because they know they could never think of enough curse words to last as long as they can just hold that button down."
"When people give you directions in the car they use different voices too."
"Or the OnStar service, available now on GM vehicles."
"For some reason humans like to dress in clothes that are the exact opposite of who they really are."
"Took the kids to the movies the other day."
"The cup holder. That is the object that defines our culture."
"I go in a public restroom I expect a motion detector on the toilet, sink, urinal."
"At moments like this, I like to quote my good friend Carl Reiner, who has often said to me, 'You don’t give awards to comedians.'"
"You all get to make the decision if something is funny or not."
"I don’t know the occupation of one person in this audience."
"I believe that all of the objects and possessions that we own really just exist at different stages of becoming garbage."
"My wife and I conceived sometime in January."
"So, the way they do it is they have this huge sheet."
"Why does every single baby product in the world have to have a picture of a baby on it?"