The Last Black Unicorn Quotes
"School was hard for me, for lots of reasons."
"Kids used to make fun of me all the time about shit related to my mom."
"You know—black women, we got complicated hair. If you do it right, it’s beautiful."
"Hurting myself made them stop hurting me and care about me."
"That’s how the Dirty Ass Unicorn died and the Last Black Unicorn was born."
"What was funny about high school was that all the things that got made fun of in elementary school, they were valued in high school."
"I thought I was stupid, so I guess I just didn’t think I could do it. I never tried."
"I started thinking, maybe all these years people been trying to tell me I was funny."
"It’s easy to game school, once you realize that the rules are bullshit and you can get around them."
"Once I could read, man, it was like I had a superpower! I wasn’t stupid! All them words made sense!"
"I think that’s the very first time I had an orgasm. I’m pretty sure I had one onstage."
"You see, I had made a bet. A week before the big competition, my aunt’s boyfriend was down on me."
"But there was one nickname that stuck for a long time: Dirty Ass Unicorn."
"My grandma: 'Girl, you better call him. That’s getting close to your people.'"
"I had thought 'Bar Mitzvah' meant you get on the bar and show your mitzvah—you know, like your cootchie."
"I was not allowed to stay in there, ’cause of the alcohol."
"I was talking too much in class, and my teacher was always sending me to the principal’s office."
"I didn’t want no drugs, I had seen how those fuck people up. So I went to the comedy camp."
"I’d have to catch the bus up there from 54th and Western, and I would ride all the way up to the Laugh Factory camp."
"Tiffany: 'I’m trying to be on the news. I need to be on the news.'"
"My grandma eventually got custody of me and my siblings when I was fourteen."
"I was in foster care from the time I was thirteen until I was eighteen."
"I started using my comedy skills, though."
"I remember watching that movie and feeling like, I know how this little girl feels. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t cry."
"I never understood my grandma. She would be so encouraging sometimes, and so mean at other times."
"I did not want to have an abortion, but at the same time, I did not want to have a baby with that man, in those circumstances."
"Tiffany: 'It’s a damn party, motherfucker! On a cruise! Why you think we’re here, this ain’t a fishing boat!'"
"Once we got back to the boat, they were saying that all the airports were shut down."
"I felt terrible, I felt like I was going to go to hell for this."
"Tiffany: 'I’m free!! I’m free!! Thank God almighty, I am free!!'"
"Titus: 'That’s all right. I’m going to just get you pregnant again in two months. You’re just going to be pregnant again.'"
"I didn’t need the car, because I was at work, anyway."
"Tiffany: 'I got to go to work. This is so stupid. I don’t get it. Why would you even do that? You just ruined my birthday. You ruined my birthday.'"
"I was ready to forgive him. I don’t know why I was, but I was."
"And most importantly, I was now healed up from my abortion, and we can have sex again, for the first time since I was dancing for joy."
"You need to just chill. You love this dude. You need to chill."
"I still didn’t know that I should listen to my gut and my feelings and my body."
"I was crying so much. You know how you do that quiet crying, like the tears are coming out and you’re breathing hard, but you don’t want nobody to hear you crying?"
"I remember I was just covering my face, just trying to hold it together, tears running through my hands."
"I knew everything was true. His sister was right. I could just feel it in my bones."
"I have no idea why I thought three cigarettes was going to kill me, but I did."
"I’m going to teach you how to suck a dick right."
"I cried hard. For a long time, I just cried and cried."
"I realized this motherfucker is giving this bitch all my fucking tricks. Ain’t that some bullshit?"
"I watched it probably about four times."
"I’m done with you. This relationship is over. I’m not fucking with you no more. I fucking hate you."
"I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like garbage—I literally had actual garbage all over me—but I had to find out what the hell was on this tape."
"I’m not about to have to change your diaper and the baby’s diaper. That’s too much work."
"I’m going to fuck the shit outta Roscoe."
"I felt like I really accomplished a lot."
"I should beat your ass. You better bring me every copy of that tape you got."
"I’m going to show youuu sucha good time, we gunna have so much fuuuuun."
"That’s what I need to do, just take this Herbalife."
"I’m about to go full-time in comedy, Roscoe."
"This motherfucker is ugly. He’s fat. He is not hot, and he is just not very attractive."
"You don’t want to be the chick on TMZ that killed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
"I’m a healer. That’s why I fuck, not for no roof over my head."
"I can’t live here, I cannot do that. You need to find me another place to sleep."
"I could do it classy. Get down and dirty, but do it classy."
"You’re gonna ruin my marriage. Your type, you too cute and shit, you gonna have to give up some pussy."
"I bought a $300 microscope, because I’m into science."
"My mom used to beat me out the closet all the time over that."
"I am fine. I am just fine. I’m about to go make murder."
"I might be. I might be crazy. Or maybe I’m just high as fuck."
"I don’t fuck with bunk beds. Bad shit happens in bunk beds."
"I know it came from me and my hard work, but still, Arsenio Hall gave me a platform to be able to be seen being me. And I’m so grateful to him for that. That was pretty huge."
"My mom is still alive. She is in a mental institution in Riverside... 'You look just like me, and I don’t like that.'"
"This is my Martin Luther King bag. The lock fell off, so it’s free at last. Get it?"
"You need to start wearing makeup. You’re a pretty girl, you need to let yourself look that way."
"I want my money to make me money, but what Jada is teaching me is that how you look in Hollywood can often make you money."
"I’m looking at him right now, his cremated remains, as I write this. He’s in a priority mail box, sitting on my dresser."
"When you’re like ten and a foster kid, nobody wants you around, because they think you’re done."
"I got into the entertainment business so I could feel accepted. And loved. And safe."
"I feel like, honestly, that’s the only reason I’m still alive. Because I’m willing to talk about my stuff."
"I believe my purpose is to bring joy to people, to make them laugh, and to share my story to help them."